5 Reasons My Kids Watch As Much TV As They Want

The parenting web-sphere is often full of lamentations about kids watching too much TV or having too much "screen time" (a term meant to encompass TV, computers, tablets, phones, game systems, et. al.). Dire warnings about four hours of TV a day leading to reduced grades in school and of course will make them "obese zombies."

I wish I was making that up but those are the words this author uses. She also says, "But I don't let them [watch TV] because I love them." Wow. Hear that? If your kids watch TV you must not love them.

Unfortunately, TV has become the new litmus against which we can feel superior to other parents. "My kids are screen free," is an actual thing said between mothers (or worse, a shocked, "you let your kids watch TV??"). 

Meanwhile, my kids have their own TV in their playroom (not their bedroom - one of my few limits is that we don't fall asleep to TV.), access to Xbox and Wii, a tablet, and a phone. They choose when they use these devices and what they watch on them. 

Balancing the fearmongering in a way that lets you make the best decision for your family is difficult amongst the sanctimony and conflated-and-flawed research. The amount of screen time that is optimal for your family is something only you can decide.

I don't want to convince you to do it my way. I want to propose some decisions-making points you may not have thought of. Here's how I decided.

1. I love Computers and TV 

For me the place to start deciding how I feel about my kids and screen time is how I feel about myself and screen time. If you hate the internet and all TV and don't enjoy it at all then you probably won't make TV part of your life. Computers, particularly social media, was a huge part of my profession as a librarian. I taught classes on using Facebook and Twitter in science when I worked at NASA. The same sites also play a huge role in my social justice work today.

Do we really think that screens are a "waste of time" or "rots brains"? I sure don't. I've written before about how I love Facebook. Having information and personal connection at my fingertips is valuable to me and to the world, in my opinion. There are plenty of people who spend 8 hours a day in front of a screen and they aren't lesser people, right?

How do you know your child isn't a budding screenplay witter, director, game designer, or social media expert? How can you think that screen time is rotting their brains or a waste of time?

2. My kids aren't in school all day

This is a huge difference for me. Most of the studies are of children who go to modern schools. They spend 8 hours a day with very regimented and adult-directed activities. It doesn't surprise me at all that these kids want the mindless release of TV time after "working" all day at school.

My kids have TONS of unstructured and self-directed play and exploration every day. They have the choice to sit in front of a screen all day but they don't. My theory is that schooled kids habituate to unidirectional information flow. They are receptacles for learning all day so when they have free time they are either too exhausted or have simply lost the initiative to do something else. 

If my kids were in school I might feel they needed prodded out of reception mode and into transformative mode of learning.

3. My kids aren't inside all day.

I could have called this "my kids aren't in school all day part two" because this reason also stems from the fact that we don't school. One of the "dire consequences" of screen time that is always touted is childhood obesity.

Childhood obesity is complete bullshit. Beyond that studies on kids and screen time often conflate screen time with obesity without explaining that this correlation is not causation (don't they love to say that when it is about vaccines though?). The problem with too much screen time isn't the evil of the screen but the absence of what kids would be doing instead of sitting in front of a screen.

Once again let's do the math: 8 hours of school + homework + 3 hours (national average) of screen time = hardly any time for anything else. That means that besides the short recess (that schools are always shortening or eliminating) and physical education (ditto), kids are trapped in doors doing "work" nearly ALL DAY LONG. Of course they want to unwind the way the rest of the humans around them unwind: TV, games, social media.

My kids have a 12 hour day with nearly zero demands on their time. Besides eating and outing days where we go to the library or grocery shopping, my kids have seemingly infinite choice in how they spend their day. And, most often, if the weather is at all cooperating, we spend the bulk of our day outside.

4. We deeply engage in life - including screen time. 

When my kids were younger all their TV viewing was with me. We talked about what we saw and learned. Now this is a habit. I don't have to be watching with them constantly because they come and tell me what they learned or ask questions about something they saw. 

In this way my kids don't conceive of TV as "down time" or "empty learning calories". They see TV as a simple tool. Just like their blocks/bikes/dolls. TV is a tool and they use it about as much as they do other tools (how many hours a day do your kids play kitchen? Would you be worried if it were "too much"?)

They also see me and their Aunt Mandi and Daddy live fully outside of the TV too. We watch TV, we spend time on Facebook. We also spend time in the garden, and kitchen, and painting, and singing, and dancing. We Live. We model for them balanced use of screen and non-screen time. If your kids plop in front of the TV after school ask yourself, "do I plop myself in front of the TV after work?" I don't ask that like it is a character flaw or something to be ashamed of. My point is don't have a double standard. Don't ask your kids to limit their choices in entertainment when you don't limit yours the same way. 

Most importantly: If you want to limit screen time, limit it as a family, consensually, not as a special discrimination against people under the age of 15.

I've previously said that limiting screen time is an important part of unschooling. I don't mean that in the sense of forcing arbitrary limits on kids. I meant that we parents need to limit our screen time so we give our kids an example of a balanced life.

5. I have Advertising Free (or advertising light) screens. 

My view seems dangerously laizze faire to mainstream parents who gauge their parenting "goodness" by how much they limit their kids' choices. However, I am downright militant about commercial free screen time.

My kids have unlimited access to so much digital material and I want them to make those decisions for themselves. In order to do that in a way that doesn't also indoctrinate them into consumer culture, I only have commercial-free programming available. Thank the goddess for Netflix and Amazon Prime! (As a side note I think the adults have benefited greatly from commercial-free TV as well. The only commercial TV we currently watch is The Americans on FX and seeing the sexism and classism used to sell products is startling if you've been away from it for a while.)

My kids recently got obsessed with those YouTube videos where people open tiny toys. You know which ones I mean? Honestly they make me ill. They are so material, ya know? This gave me a great opportunity to talk about consumerism and the desire to collect stuff that is endemic in our culture. 

But what do they do all day?

Right now I'm writing on my laptop. It is cold outside so we are all inside (boo, April in Ohio). The TV in the living room (where I am) is playing Guardians of the Galaxy because I love the soundtrack and like noise in the background. The kids usually run in for the dance scenes (you know the "it's a dance off you big turd blossom") and run back to what they were doing.

Aellyn is watching cat videos on one of our phones. Boston is building a plane with bristle blocks. Asher is combing his new My Little Pony's hair and pretending to give her a bath. 

At about 10AM when I'm fully awake (I'm unashamedly NOT a morning person so even though I get up at 6 I do "screen time" myself until a much more humane hour like 10) I go start dinner, do dishes, take care of the seedlings we are sprouting, and do laundry. I play music while I do this and the kids tend to hover near me. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they play near me. Sometimes they are off building a fort out of pillows or being animal explorers (thanks Wild Kratz!). Often we have awesome conversations about everything from why kitty liter clumps to what happens when we die. 

They decide. There are very little demands on what they can do and when. As a result the ideas of "work" and "play" bleed together and my kids don't crave TV any more than they crave riding their bikes. Both options are equally available and equally valid. Without externally imposed judgments about how they *should* be spending their time they actually balance their activities in a healthy way.

That's really what consensual parenting (sometimes called radical unschooling) is all about. I trust that, if I give them the benefit of my faith in them, my kids will naturally have a life of balance. Humans are animals and they want to thrive. We thrive in balance and when we are out of balance we have dis-ease - mental and physical. 

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Unschooling Demystified: 5 Facts For the Homeschool Savvy

This article was originally published in Natural Mother Magazine, a free bi-monthly publication for parents. Check it out here.

The conversation began in a benign enough way,

“Will she start kindergarten in the fall?” My new neighbor inquired.

“Yes, she is five and would start kindergarten this fall, but we homeschool.” This question is often asked to gauge age since our culture uses school grade as a shorthand for age. I cross my fingers for an “oh, that’s nice,” and moving on to another topic.

No such luck.

“Oh, my mother’s cousin's neighbor’s dog’s breeder’s daughter homeschools. What curriculum do you use?”

Oh, boy. I gird my loins hoping this doesn’t end badly. “We don’t use a curriculum. We are unschoolers.”

Her face drops and her eyes dart between my chin (she’s no longer looking me in the eye) and my kids with a look of sympathy bordering on pity in her eyes. She quickly finds she has other things to do and scurries away. I wonder how quickly this news will spread around our new neighborhood.

You see, more often than not, when I say “unschool” people hear something else. Neglect. Abuse. Lazy. Stupid. They look at my kids with sympathy because they believe they will never amount to anything as a result of my “weird” choices.

The worst part is that the reactions are from people who understand and at least accept homeschooling as a valid option. If you haven’t heard the word unschool then I have a chance to tell you about it without preconceptions. But, it seems, if you have heard of the word then it is already so laden with misconceptions that I never stand a chance to explain otherwise.

I’ve had homeschooling groups tell me, “we don’t allow unschoolers.” Most are more subtle, requiring on their application that you provide the name of the curriculum you use. Membership in the Home School Legal Defense Fund (a large lobbying group in the US) requires you to sign that you use, “a clearly organized program of education to instruct [your] children.”

Why all the fear?

The right to educate your children at home has been hard won in many states. Being a “responsible” homeschooler is very important and homeschool groups want to protect their status as a socially acceptable alternative to traditional schooling. Proving educational excellence is a big part of the homeschool movement’s success at changing public opinion. Seeing homeschooled kids get into Harvard and go on to successful careers has been a positive influence on the public perception of homeschooling.

Unschooling, that amorphous philosophy without a curriculum, seems way too counter culture to the suddenly kinda-mainstream idea of homeschooling. I had a homeschool group leader tell me that homeschoolers have way more in common with traditional school than they do with unschoolers.

I disagree! Unschooling is a type of homeschooling and we share the same goals and difficulties that other homeschoolers face (Socialization? check. Prom? check. Sports? check.). We too made the decision to forgo traditional school because we want the best education possible for our kids.

Homeschoolers don’t need to be afraid that we are setting the movement back or will reflect poorly on other homeschoolers. Unschooling is perfectly legal in the US and has a rich history. The term “unschooling” may be new (coined by John Holt’s publication, Growing Without Schooling, in the 1970s) but the concept of self-directed learning (called autodidacticism) was famously practiced by the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, and Frederick Douglas (to name a few).

Here are 5 facts about unschooling specifically designed for the homeschool savvy. I hope it shows what we all have in common and demystifies some of the seeming amorphousness of unschooling.

1. Everyone Unschools.

When I post on FB something I’m doing with my kids and tag it #unschool, I invariable get a slew of, “well, I do that too!”  These pleas sound almost defensive but really, that is my whole point. Unschooling is as natural as breathing and all parents do it - homeschooled and public schooled.

If you homeschool with a curriculum and your daughter skins her knee and starts asking about what a scab is, do you say “no! we are talking about the digestive system this week!” No. One of the best things about the one-on-one (or one-on-five) nature of homeschooling is taking the time to share your child’s natural wonder with learning new things. Most of us (and traditionally schooling parents too) would jump on Youtube and see if you can find a fascinating video about scabs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrmFIXBXikk).

As an unschooler, the major difference is I wouldn’t stop there. I’d toss out the curriculum about the digestive system and really, really get into this curiosity my kid expressed. A trip to the library for books about the immune system. A look at my kid’s own gross scab under a microscope. Maybe a subscription to Brain Pop to view their cute videos about blood (http://www.brainpop.com/health/bodysystems/blood/preview.weml). Does her interest move towards healthcare or towards cell biology? Do her eyes light up about the immune system, circulatory system, or skin system? Is she a natural documentarian that can photograph and collect data on her scab over time (changes in color/size)?

2. Unschoolers use the same resources you do.

I once bought my daughter a pre-math skills workbook. When I told people this I got lambasted for “not unschooling” because I bought a - gasp!- school book.  

Unschooling isn’t about avoiding traditional learning methods at all costs. Unschooling suffers from a confusing name. I’ve never liked that it uses “un” which denotes being anti-something. Unschooling is definitely NOT about being anti-school. Unschooling is all about being PRO natural learning. We think that “school” is not a very good way to learn because learning is best when it is sparked by natural curiosity. We believe that mandatory, teacher-dictated learning is the killer of natural curiosity.

None of that means we are against “teaching” or traditional teaching methods. I use a lot of Montessori manipulatives with my kids because they are fun! My daughter absolutely loved her math workbook because she found it fun. If she wanted to take a class to learn more about something I would happily encourage her.

3. Unschooling parents are not “hands-off”

Sometimes people confuse “child-led” with “parent-absent.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Unschooling isn’t the easy way simply because there is no curriculum. A curriculum tells you what to teach and how to teach it. It also gives you assurance that your child is learning approximately the same things as a public schooler.

As an unschooler, I will set the tone for how learning looks in my home and being a voracious learner is one of the best ways. I model using my curiosity as a springboard for learning. The way I approach my own hobbies will show my kids the plethora of resources that exist and the drive to seek out answers to my questions.

I have to be hyper-vigilant to notice my child’s interests and find suitable ways to feed their curiosity. Instead of directing my child’s learning I act as a provocateur, asking questions that both encourage and stretch my child’s perceptions of the world. In order to do this I often have to share in my child’s interests. I know many unschooling parents who have taught themselves minecraft or pokemon in order to be better able to engage with their child’s learning.

4. Unschooling parents are not rocket scientists.

The corollary to #3, that unschool parents are hands off, is that unschool parents are geniuses and thus it works “for them.”

Unschooling, in my opinion, can actually be hindered by the super-smart parent who knows all the answers. Unschooling is all about following your own curiosity and how to find answers to your questions. If a child asks about a scab and you happen to be a dermatologist and tell them all the answers, you really haven’t helped them become expert learners.

As an unschool mom my best phrase is “I don’t know. Let’s find out!” I happen to have way too many college degrees to my name so people often say, “oh, I can see how unschooling would work for you but most people couldn’t do it.” Our society has come to believe that learning is a transaction where an expert (teacher) gives knowledge to a novice (learner). Unschooling believes that giving knowledge is not learning. Discovering knowledge for yourself is true learning. Being an excellent unschool parent isn’t about being a teacher as much as it is about being a detective - you can be a high school graduate (or not) and help your child learn theoretical physics through encouragement and resource-sleuthing.

5. Unschoolers have a different path to the same point.

Homeschoolers sometimes point to studies that show unschoolers are not on par with their traditionally homeschooled peers as proof of unschooling’s failure.

It is true. Homeschoolers who use a curriculum will be more easily compared to their public schooled peers. They learn much of the same things on the same timetable as traditional school. Unschooling is different enough that it makes comparison impossible.

One of the tenants of unschooling is that children learn best when they are ready. This means my 8 year old might not know how to read yet. In public school this would be considered a big failure and reason for remediation. As an unschooler it means to me that he or she has been busily working on other skills and will get to reading when they’re ready.

This is how we talk about toddlers learning to talk and walk. If a child is “behind” in walking we point to how advanced their verbal skills are and vice versa. We rarely worry that they’ll never learn to walk. The same applies to reading, writing, and arithmetic. We don’t worry they’ll never learn because we know that eventually their curiosity will come to a point where learning those things becomes necessary to satisfy them.

In the meantime, my child won’t compare well to yours. That doesn’t mean he is stupid or that unschooling is disadvantageous to him. Children who read “late,” but when they are ready, often pick it up quite quickly and end up right on par with their age-peers within a year.

Let me tell you, as an unschooler this is the hardest part. We see our children learning everyday and feel confident in our path. Then we see an age-peer doing things our child doesn’t do yet and it is hard. I’m not immune to worry about my child’s progress and it can be scary and fill me with self doubt. I have to remind myself that the goal of my education for my children is not to have competitive 10 year olds. My goal is to have well rounded adults. The path of the tortoise and the hare might be different but they all end up at the finish line!

Unschoolers are not neglectful, lazy, or a bad influence on the homeschool movement. We are conscientious parents who, like you, are trying to provide the best education for our kids.

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3 Ways To Repsond Rather Than "Buy ALL the Pies"

You may have had this misfortune of hearing this story of a man who bought all the pies at Burger King to punish a child and his mother who was having an emotional breakdown in the line.  Here's the story for background.

So a while ago I had decided to treat myself and go to Burger King. I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, shes still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much. Things immediately go back to the they were and I wait another 5 minutes before getting to the front of the line. It turns out it was so slow because they had 1 trainee on cash during the lunch hour rush. All I can think of is how the people behind me ruined my splurge and gave me this headache. I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

When I posted this to my Facebook page with a comment about how this guy was what was wrong with the world some of the comments I got were along the lines of "this guy rocks! Bad parents deserve this shit!"

Let's set aside for a moment the sexism inherent. Ask yourselves if the man's response would have been the same if it would have been a son and his father. Would he have felt sympathy? Would he maybe have thought it was *still* the mother's fault? Just think on that.

What I want to talk about is the "bad parenting" myth. The idea that children "misbehave" because of poor parenting and that the "problem" (aka the child) would be better off if the parent laid down the law and disciplined the bad behavior.

What is misbehavior? It is kind of an arbitrary term meaning "stuff I don't like". It changes from person to person and from culture to culture. It also is a term only used for children.  Do we say our friends are misbehaving? Do we say our spouses are "disobedient"? You can read more about the meaning of misbehavior here.

Let's turn to the basis of "gentle parenting" and why people think it is permissive. There isn't much in the story about how the mother was interacting with her son but the implication that it was "bad parenting" usually implies she was wrong for not putting her foot down and shutting him up post haste. So, the question is - is a child "misbehaving" BECAUSE his mother isn't cracking the whip?

A child who is having an emotional out burst isn't "misbehaving" or in need of "discipline" ( in the common misuse of the word to mean punishment) anymore than a mentally disabled adult or a Alzheimer's patient is "misbehaving". A child's brain is not developed enough to control lower-brain emotional triggers like it will be when the brain matures (see my explanation of human brain development in this issue of Natural Mother Magazine). 

Parenting gently advocates that CHILDREN ARE HUMAN BEINGS and deserving of the same respect as other human beings. When a child is consumed by emotions they can't control (anger, hunger, exhaustion, etc. and even happiness when some kids bite because they can't handle the excitement) they need guidance (the real meaning of "discipline") on how to appropriately express their feelings and control them. Guidance is not punishment, shame, physical abuse or other negative forms of "good parenting".

Guidance means showing empathy and respect for a fellow human that is struggling. Sometimes it means saying no and setting limits. Sometimes it means no pie. But first and foremost it requires connection between two humans and not a power display from an authority figure.

If you saw a woman with her own mother in her 80s screaming that she refused to eat anything but a pie and was being angry and loud about it would you think "what a bad daughter she is. Why can't she control that bratty woman?"  No, you'd feel sympathy for the mother that couldn't control herself (because being out of control feels scary) and for the woman who was trying so hard to provide a meal for her mentally impaired mother.

Why is one different than the other? Because we have respect for the Alzheimer's patient and zero respect for children. Children are supposed to fit our mold and "act right" despite their immature brains. When children display developmentally appropriate behavior they are misbehaving. When gma displays developmentally appropriate (developmentally declined) behavior it is simply a symptom of her brain development and we can easily continue to treat her as a human.

Of course someone is going to say "but I never acted like that so "good" parenting works". Yes, you can use physical and mental manipulation to have obedient children who do as their told out of either fear of punishment or want of a reward. They aren't patient or caring or sorry people but they act out being those things to avoid pain or gain favor. A child parented with respect will actually learn to BE patient, BE compassionate, and BE sorry because they've had those things modeled for them. Since most people are parented with the goal of obedience they grow up with a stunted sense of compassion for others.

Case in point: the guy who bought the pies could have thought one of these three things;

1. "Wow, that mother has her hands full. How could I help her?" Maybe just eye contact and a sympathetic smile to let her know she's not alone. 
2. "That poor kid really wants a pie he must really be having a hard time dealing with the waiting. I hate waiting too but I have years of experience." 
3. That mom looks really frazzled and embarrassed that her kid is being loud. I should engage the kid to ease her job of raising the next generation of the species. Maybe I'll ask him what kind of pie he wants." A big grown up asking a direct question to a child? Children love this because they know when they are being treated like people - you know, regular people.

Instead he though; "that kid is annoying and it is that woman's fault. What an annoyance to me that I have to be subjected to a human that isn't on my level mentally or with someone daring to have a bad day. I'll show them! I'll buy all the fucking pies and then they'll learn their lesson that they better act the way that conveniences me or they'll get it again."

Yeah, that last guy is making the world a wonderful place. Can you hear the vindictiveness? The self-centeredness? Is this the type of person we want to be? Or, that we want our kids to grow up and be?

If he were a person thinking the first three things or something along those lines then he will reap the benefit of making someone else happy. Maybe he'll make that kid's day by talking to him. Maybe he'll make that mom's day by reminding her that parenting is hard and people appreciate the work she does. Maybe that mom will be calmed enough by a kind word to handle her son's next breakdown with more aplomb and compassion. Maybe she'll pay it forward to another mom one day. Maybe it will spread like wildfire and compassion will be the first thing that pops into people's minds instead of petty backstabbing. Maybe that kid will grow up to control the launch codes and maybe he'll stop and think with compassion instead of judgment and anger when "other people" annoy him (do you see the roots of racism, sexism, and homophobia in "otherness" beliefs?). If more people join him maybe the world could have some peace.

Or we can use our plentiful monetary resources and mental energy to buy a bunch of pies just to shit on a child and his mother trying to eat lunch.

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Answering Questions about GNP

I often field questions from students persuing psychology or child development degrees about Gender Neutral Parenting. I'm happy to do this! I wanted to share this recent Q&A I did from a Brazilian PhD student.

1. Can you conceptualize what is Gender Neutral Parenting?

Gender Neutral Parenting (GNP) is a parenting philosophy that seeks to raise kids without the strict cultural rules that come with gender. The goal is not to create gender neutral children but for children to be able to find their own comfort-spot on the continuum on gender expression without the external pressures associated with the gender binary. For example, allowing boys the freedom to explore play with dolls or dressing up as a princess or allowing girls to explore traditionally male roles. The basis behind the philosophy is that the concept of gender is a cultural construct - that is, it is only minimally innate from our DNA but largely a conditioned response taught by our environment. This false dicotomy of "girl" things and "boy" things forces people to identify with their gender in a negative way. E.g. being "male" is more about NOT doing "girl" things than about a natural expression of personal masculinity. The benefits of GNP are both personal - a child has freedom to explore their own gender identity without shame - and societal - children learn that gender can be fluid and a person's value is not defined by their gender expression. This makes the world a safer place for gender non-conforming individuals, trans* individuals, and others by breaking down the barriers that gender expression rules creates.

2. What is the best and the worse about GNP?

The hardest thing about GNP is the misconceptions that exist. It is often mis-understood to be about gender neutral children instead of gender neutral parenting. Since GNP is about providing freedom for gender exploration that means that forbidding a gender-conforming activity is just as damaging as forbidding a gender non-conforming activity. So, for example, traditional parenting says to discourage your girls from getting dirty playing ball - GNP would reject this and allow the child to do what they enjoy. At the same time if a girl wants to wear princess dresses and play with dolls that would also not be discouraged, allowing the child to do what they enjoy without shame. 

For me the best part of GNP is that it will make the world a more tolerant place. Much talk about GNP centers around trans* kids or gender non-conforming kids (previously "tomboys" and "sissy boys") and, of course, GNP will help these children immeseaurably.  The vast majority of kids, however, will naturally align with socially-approved gender roles and gender advocacy often forgets these kids. GNP benefits kids that are gender-conforming as much as gender non-conforming because they learn that gender is their choice and not a strict rule system imposed on them. As a result they grow up with greater tolerance for gender variances and thereby reduced sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and general intolerance for differences amongst people. In this way, I feel GNP is less about gender and more about creating a more diverse and tolerant world.

3. Will GNP make my children gay? 

Many organizations, such as Focus on the Family, specifically conflate gender-bending behavior in children as “signs of pre-homosexuality” and recommend interventions to promote “gender-proper” behaviors.

Reality: Most ongoing research points to a strong genetic component to homosexuality. Therefore, being gay is not something a parent can “train” a child to be. Even children raised by lesbian mothers or gay fathers aren’t more likely to be gay themselves.  A child’s sexual orientation will be what it will be. Nothing a parent does will change that.

GNP will not influence their final sexual preferences but it can have a profound effect on how traumatizing their upbringing is. A child with the freedom to choose their own comfort level on the gender spectrum and the sexuality spectrum will be less likely to be crushed under parental expectations that conflict with their inner life.

The whole point of GNP is that sex – e.g. the assignment at birth based on external genitalia – should not dictate “allowable” behaviors. If you like pink tutus, you should be able to like them with acceptance regardless of your sex.

According to TransActive, 85% of gender nonconforming children/youth are cisgender and identify as heterosexual in adulthood. So, you heard it here. Johnny (or Beckett) wearing nail polish will not make him gay.

4. Brazilian culture sexualize boys and girls since early years (pop culture, dressing, dirty words and behavior). How do you think GNP can help this kind of culture?

By not enforcing these rules in the kids' environment parents can expand the view of gender they get from the outside world. However, we can't and wouldn't want to shelter kids from the realities of sexism in our society. As kids get older GNP helps parents navigate the difficult conversations that arise around sexualization and sexism in media. The goal isn't to shelter kids from reality but help them learn to be savvy consumers of media that question the sexist status quo and formulate their own ideas through critical thinking. One of the worries people sometimes express about GNP is that kids will grow up and be awkward adults because they won't fit in with others in their own gender. I say GOOD! GNP raises adults that say "why can't I like ___ just because I'm a girl/boy" instead of "I better pretend to like ___ so everyone will think I'm normal." As more people stop conforming to the rules then our media will follow suit (slowly of course) and the next generation will have a wider view of gender in which to live and so on with each subsequent generation.

5. What is the difference between the GNP created by feminists in 1970, and the GNP new version, that ''hits'' 2012? 

In the early 1970 there was a brief time when androgyny was seen as desirable. This stemmed from early research about the cultural influence of gender. It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate. When science first recognized that nurture (i.e. the environment) played a much larger role than previously suspected some took that to its extreme to mean that without the environmental influence there would be no gender. In subsequent years science has found that gender, as with much of human development, is an intricate dance between nature (our DNA) and nurture (our environment). With this new knowledge we can separate what is a culturally constructed "rule" for gender and what is a true gender difference.  For example, science has shown that male babies are fussier.  They are slightly less developed and take longer to have a stable sleep pattern.  This is an example of a very small "nature" difference between the sexes. Possibly because of their fussiness plus social expectations parents inadvertently react to their male child's tears differently beginning the life-long rule that boys don't cry. This is a large "nurture" difference that grows between the sexes. With this knowledge we can be aware of this implicit sexism in parenting and compensate. Another example is that girls are less physical. Research has shown very little difference between baby girls and baby boy in physical ability but found a much larger difference between how often parents caution their girls to be careful vs. boys. This external "nurture" snowballs into girls that aren't as daring in sports not because of anything written into their DNA but because they've been conditioned by their environment.  You can read my article here for more detail on some of the fascinating research: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/11/gnp-avoid-implicit-sexism/

My point is, as we've learned more about the basis of gender differences we've adjusted our understanding of gender neutral parenting. We no longer seek androgyny which would need to be enforced as externally as traditional gender roles in favor of a more diverse and varied access to gender roles so kids can find their own sweet spot on the continuum.

read more "Answering Questions about GNP"

Unschooling Demystified

I have an article in the newest edition of Natural Mother Magazine called Unschooling Demystified. It is written for the homeschool savvy parent who wants to better understand what unschooling is all about. Check it out here.

The whole issue of Natural Mother Magazine is wonderful and you can read the whole issue for free here:

read more "Unschooling Demystified"

A Body Positive Doll

Do you remember this picture floating around?

It is a mock up of what Barbie would look like if she had the average American woman's measurements.

Aparently the artist wan inundated with requests to buy one. So, he is starting a project to make it a reality!

http://youtu.be/OfQu8pq0kok

His doll prototype is actually cuter than the original and I just love it! I would buy this doll for all of my kids. I hope they make some diverse versions too.

This is completely grassroots so, if you can, donate to his Kickstarter project to help make this a reality!

read more "A Body Positive Doll"

THE Everything Parenting eBook Bundle by Mindful Nurturing

I was so excited to be asked to include my book, Gender Neutral Parenting, in an upcoming parenting bundle planned by Mindful Nurturing. Well, today the sale goes live and I can't even believe what they've brought together. To say this is the "must have" parenting collection for 2014 is a gross understatement. They've put together over 30 different items (ebooks, ecourses, even a coloring book) by the top parenting experts. The retail value is $750! But they're selling the whole package for only $49.97.

Even better, they've also divided it into mini bundles so you can pick your favorite one. Those are only $19.97.

This is the best gift you could give to a new parent. It is such a cornucopia of resources that there is something for every parent and every stage of parenting. You don't want to miss this one. PLUS, Parenting Gently will get a percentage of sales if you buy here through this page. I am so very thankful for your support of Parenting Gently's mission to bring joy to parents everywhere. Happy Reading!

(this page is long because it has information about ALL 35+ resources. If you're already in click this button)

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Welcome to the Essential Parenting Collection, the biggest online collection of Mindful Parenting products! This digital bundle offers a wide array of eProducts, including eBooks, audiobooks, eCourses, workbooks, audio, coloring pages.

The Essential Parenting Collection is offered at $49.97, fractions of the retail value of $751.48.

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We have divided the products into 5 categories. Scroll down the page to learn more about ALL of these wonderful resources.

Each mini bundle is available for $19.97.

• Pregnancy and Birth


• The Early Years


• Child Development


• Resources for Parents


• Mindful Guidance


• Free Gifts with purchase of the Full Collection

Dig into these amazing resources!

 

Pregnancy and Birth

From Maiden to Motherhood

 Stephanie Brandt Cornais, Mama and Baby Love, 46 pages, retail value $6.99

It's everything I know about conception, pregnancy, and postpartum. And I know a lot! I mentored hundreds of parents in childbirth classes when I was a Birthing From Within Mentor and in labor as a Certified Doula. I have also been a Licensed Massage Therapist for 14 years, specializing in pre-conception, pregnancy, and postpartum. And of course, my sweet Penelope, my oh so wanted, but oh so difficult baby (now almost 4!) has taught me a thing or two as well.

This ebook is just good, fast, easy-to-understand information about everything you absolutely must know as you begin your journey to motherhood. I am giving you all the juicy tidbits and lessons I have learned from working with pregnant couples for the past decade as well as my own experiences with being pregnant and a new mom.

It's everything I have ever told friends or clients, plus some things I wish I had known before getting pregnant with my daughter and other things I will do differently if I am blessed with another baby.

I have also included advice from my team of writers at Mama and Baby Love and some from other bloggers that I love, like The Pregnant Chicken, Code Name: Mama, Mother Rising, Dou-la-la, The Homeopathic Pregnancy, Naturally Knocked Up, Mommypotamus, and more.

As usual around here, I tell it straight, no beating around the bush or sugar coating things, which of course means there are a few curse words, but it’s a funny read. You will laugh out loud, I promise."

The Postpartum Herbal Guide

Laura Schuerwegen, Authentic Parenting, 18 pages, retail value $2.99

The Postpartum Herbal Guide is an introductory booklet to herbs for new mothers.

Topics include: how to make a herbal infusion, herbs for the postpartum time, traditional chinese postpartum bone broth recipe, herbs and breastfeeding and how to make your own sitz bath mix.

Learn how to use herbs to support and strengthen your postpartum body and to heal minor ailments. Make your postpartum time a nourishing one.

 

The Business of Baby: What Doctors Don't Tell You, What Corporations Try To Sell You, And How to Put Your Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Baby Before Their Bottom Line.

Jennifer Margulis, audiobook, retail value $20

Why does the USA have among the highest maternal and infant mortality rates in the industrialized world? Why do pregnant women who plan to breastfeed receive “free” samples of infant formula from American obstetricians? Why are American newborns given a vaccine at birth against hepatitis B, a sexually transmitted disease? This eye-opening work of investigative journalism exposes how our current cultural practices during pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year of a baby’s life are not based on the best evidence or the most modern science, revealing how American moms and their babies are being undermined by corporate interests.

Birth Relaxation Kit

Jeremy Dyen and Mavi Gupta, Birth Relaxation Kit, audio and booklet, retail value $79

The only hypnobirthing program by Board Certified Doctor; hypnosis mp3s, scripts, nutrition guide, birth music; less than half the price of most hypnobirth programs.

With all three Birth Relaxation Kitâ„¢ hypnobirthing programs you will overcome anxiety and fear so you can give birth confidently, feeling empowered and relaxed. You can enjoy a shorter, more comfortable and even pain-free birth!

Why Hypnosis For Pregnancy and Childbirth?

We are dedicated to serving moms and moms-to-be seeking an empowered, safe and more comfortable childbirth experience.  We Are On A Mission to empower you with real tools to birth confidently and without fear...And the movement is rapidly growing as thousands and thousands of women are successfully using hypnobirthing and self-hypnosis for birth, pregnancy and motherhood.

Simply Natural Pregnancy

Megan Kimmelshue, The Boho Mama, 40 pages, retail value $5.99

Simply Natural Pregnancy is a back-to-basics eBook for mothers who want to "go green" but are overwhelmed and stressed by all the alternatives available. Using concise information, actionable but powerful baby steps, and resources for digging deeper, Simply Natural Pregnancy is a transformative tool for every expectant mother.

Stay at Home Yoga

Jennifer Hoffman, Stay at Home Yoga, Every Breath I Take, 3-Month Premium Membership, retail value $23.97

Bundle purchasers will receive three months of unlimited access to four types of yoga classes and all membership bonuses! Your physical alignment plays a vital role in your pregnancy, labor and delivery, but very few prenatal exercise programs teach moms to restore healthy alignment. Each Stay-at-Home Yoga class is designed to provide you with both information and exercises to restore natural alignment, reduce pregnancy aches and pains and prepare you for a natural birth.

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Parenting the Early Years

The Colic Solution

Nicolette Roux, Powerful Mothering, 29 pages, value $9.95

The colic solution is an ebook to help new mothers with colic symptoms in their babies. I have detailed my experience with colic three times over, and given examples for what to look out for and how to start applying some tried and tested relief methods.

Every baby is different, unique, not one solution will work for every baby. That is why my ebook has many suggestions, angles of approach and views. One WILL work for your baby!

You will sleep again and you will be able to finely drink that cup of HOT tea or coffee that has been eluding you for weeks! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Twin Manibreasto: A Success Story of Milk and Multiples

Mercedes R. Donis, Project Procrastinot, 54 pages, retail value $6.99

A first time mom reflects on her journey of breastfeeding twins. “Don’t judge your entire experience based on the first three months,” she cautions, as she shares the challenges faced during the ‘fourth trimester’ and beyond. Part memoir, part manual, Mercedes shares her story as well as suggestions on what gear to buy (and what to skip), recipes, links for further reading and a printable feeding log. Topics include: positions for tandem feeding twins, pumping and milk supply, and scheduling feeds vs. feeding on-demand.

 

Oxytocin Parenting — Womb through the Terrible Twos.

Susan Kuchinskas and Bryan Post, The Post Institute, retail value $0.99

Did you know that a child's ability to love and connect is shaped after birth? The way you parent your child actually influences the way her brain cells wire together to form the circuits she’ll use in social situations throughout her life.

A key to forming healthy relationships is the oxytocin response. Oxytocin is naturally released inside the brain when we feel safe and can open to intimacy and connection. The oxytocin response probably begins to develop in the womb, is influenced by the birthing process and then continues to develop in the first three years of life. It’s shaped by the love and care a baby gets in this period.

This book is valuable reading no matter how old your child is. Parenting understanding of oxytocin and advice for all ages (works with spouses too!).

The Natural Parent's Guide to Babywearing.

Lauren Wayne, Hobo Mama, 154 pages, retail value $11.97

Babywearing gives you a convenient way to carry along a little one, keeping your child engaged while allowing you as the parent or caregiver to continue with the routines of life — walking, using your hands for tasks, and even breastfeeding — while keeping your child secure.

This book is a Babywearing 101 class, giving an introductory overview of babywearing, along with troubleshooting ideas for special circumstances. We'll talk about the benefits of babywearing, types of common carriers, how to babywear safely, pictorial how-tos for how to tie and wrap the most popular carriers, tutorials for making your own carrier, and a list of helpful resources for information and support on your babywearing journey.

What Not to Say - Tools for Talking with Young Children

Sarah MacLaughlin, Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW, 96 pages, value $12

Whether parent, teacher, grandparent, or nanny, this book will help you see the importance of not only your role as parent or caregiver, but the relationship, too. Changes in your approach, words, and tone can have lasting beneficial effects in your relationship with a child and on that child’s behavior as well.

JUNO Magazine

Juno Magazine (e-magazine), 1-year subscription: 4 issues, retail value $24.74

JUNO promotes a natural approach to family life that inspires and supports parents as they journey through the challenges of parenting. We have an ethos based on conscious parenting, sustainability, social justice, non-violence and a commitment to personal growth and spiritual awareness and share fresh perspectives in this fast-paced technological world, creating a non-judgemental community for those who are keen to follow "a natural approach to family life."

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Child Development

Reaching for the Moon

Lucy Pearce, The Happy Womb, 82 pages, value $3.99

Written for girls aged 9-14 introducing them to the menstrual cycle in simple, soulful language, taking the form of a gentle, meaningful initiation into womanhood.

Reaching for the Moon incorporates stories, real womens' experiences of their first periods, and answers girls' most burning practical questions about periods and their bodies in a loving, age-appropriate way. This is the guide that empowered and caring mothers, aunts and godmothers want for the girls in their lives.

How Children's Emotions Work

Hand in Hand Parenting, retail value $7

Your child has a vital need to connect with you. This booklet helps you understand your child's emotional life, and how you can best fill his needs.

 

Why Does He Do That? A Parent's Guide to ASD

Stella Waterhouse, stellawaterhouse.com, 32 pages, retail value $3.23

This book looks at the difficulties children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) have including lesser known problems such as sensory problems to anxiety and explores the effects these can have.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers

 Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, Post Hypnotic Press, audiobook (13 hrs 42 mins), retail value $26

A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children. A phenomenon they term peer orientation, it refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. Peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident - as do the solutions, none of which are impossible or even costly to undertake.

The Drama Years: Real Girls Talk About Surviving Middle School - Bullies, Brands, Body Image, and More

Haley Kilpatrick, Post Hypnotic Press, audiobook, retail value $16; 6 hrs 39 mins

"The Drama Years is a great overall primer for anyone with a young teen girl in there life. And the girls will love it too! I will highly recommend it to the parents, teachers, and girls I work with." (Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes)

The Drama Years is the definitive guide to the pressures that middle school girls experience every day. Speaking to parents of both middle school girls and high school girls alike (and the girls themselves), it is packed with the voices of middle school girls, who share their experiences, anecdotes and thoughts on everything from stress to body image, from frenemies to getting along with parents. Throughout the book, high school mentors share their own similar experiences—and offer parents advice for how to help their girls survive this tricky time.

Gender Neutral Parenting: Raising kids with the freedom to be themselves

Paige Lucas Stannard, Parenting Gently, 134 pages, retail value $9.99

Our culture has strict rules for acceptable behavior for men and women. But what about kids who fall outside the boundaries of prescribed roles? This book is a guide for parents in the practical application of Gender Neutral Parenting - a parenting style based on respect for a child's self-identity and providing latitude in exploring their own version of gender and gender expressions.

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Mindful Guidance

Positive Parenting in Action

Rebecca Eanes & Laura Ling, Positive Parents, 180 pages, value $7.49

There is an abundance of resources available which tell parents why traditional parenting practices are not optimal, but few help parents learn what to do in place of traditional practices. In this book, we'll discuss the principles of positive parenting, and then we will go through more than 40 scenarios to show you what it looks like when these principles are put into action.

Setting Limits with Young Children

Hand in Hand Parenting, 26 pages, retail value $7

What do you do when your child acts out? How do you tell a child "No" without triggering a power struggle? This booklet teaches you to set healthy boundaries, interact with both warmth and authority and create cooperation and closeness.

The ABCs of Conscious Parenting

Lori Petro, TEACH through Love, 47 pages + audio download, retail value $68

Create a stronger relationship with your kids by changing the way you speak. Lori Petro will show you how to create peace in your home without sacrificing your influence.

Raising Mindful Kids

Yvonne Woloszanskyj, Mindful Parenting Skills, 13 pages, retail value $27

Discover The Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Needs Your Child Has And How To Quench Their Thirst In Today's Society, A Guide To Developing And Nurturing Mindfulness In Children

Parenting Softly

Bryan Post, Post Institute, 44 pages, retail value: $9.95

Simple guidance for developing healthy attachments with your child from conception to age two, for raising a child who laughs lots, loves big, and learns exceptionally.

Taking a look at raising your baby from a neurological point of view, Bryan Post’s latest book will help by providing parents with what he calls "seven gifts of parenting softly." It is guaranteed to provide insights you may have never considered.  A perfect gift for new or expecting parents!

 

A Survival Guide. Positive Parenting for Children with ASD

Stella Waterhouse, stellawaterhouse.com, 35 pages, retail value $4.16

Following on from 'Why Does He Do That?', A Survival Guide suggests relatively simple ideas that, although they do not offer a 'quick fix' or a miracle cure, are easily implemented and can be very effective.

 

Keep Your Cool - How to Stop Yelling, Spanking and Punishing: What to Do Instead

Flo Gascon, 157 pages, retail value $25

Your kids are your pride and joy, but sometimes conflict arises and it can be overwhelming. You lose your temper when you don’t mean to. In this guide, I break down an interaction into 5 manageable pieces, making your issues easier to define and act upon effectively. There is not a one-fits-all solution, so you have opportunity to customize your Cool Down and Help Strategy. This is about knowing your individual triggers and your individual child and getting on a path to a strong and peaceful relationship.

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Resources for Parents

The Sane Parenting Challenge

Amy Phoenix, Presence Parenting, 6-week eCourse, retail value $50

Parenting kind of crazy? The Sane Parenting Challenge is a six week journey to transform how you respond when parenting feels intense. Each week you are invited to incorporate a simple, yet effective practice into your life to gradually begin choosing your response when parenting feels crazy so you can experience more ease - and still keep the joyful crazy parts that only parents can understand.

 

The Transgender Child

Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper, Post Hypnotic Press, audiobook: 8 hrs 11 mins, narrated by Michael Puttonen, retail value $20

"This beautifully written, meticulously well-researched book is a godsend for parents and professionals in search of clear, reliable, and up-to-date information about all facets of parenting and caring for transgender children. Combining real life experience with the latest research, Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper have written an indispensable guide that will save lives and empower families to ensure that transgender children receive the love and support they need to thrive." — Shannon Price Minter, Legal Director, National Center for Lesbian Rights

 

Liberation Parenting Program

Teresa Graham Brett, Parenting for Social Change, 131 pages plus 2+ hours of audio, retail value $47

The Liberation Parenting Program is a multimedia e-course that helps parents to do the inner work needed to move through blocks that keep them from sustaining relationships with children that are grounded in trust, respect, and freedom. Using tools for transformative learning, parents will experience greater wholeness and connection for themselves and support the children in their lives to do the same.

 

Calm Authority for Fathers

Marcy Axness, Parenting for Peace, audio coaching session, retail value $19.95

Parenting can blindside us when it pushes our buttons from how we were treated as a child. "Calm Authority for Fathers" is an easy, relaxing way to harness the latest scientific finding: the more you can make sense of your own past, the healthier and more successful you child will be! The bonus: It cultivates an inner calm and self-possession that’s essential for effective parenting, and that makes most discipline issues evaporate before they ever appear.

 

Embracing a Child-Centered Divorce: Because You Love Your Children

Rosalind Sedacca, Child-Centered Divorce, retail value $9.99

As a Divorce and Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca shares valuable advice, tips and insights for divorced parents on helping children cope with divorce and transition after divorce with the best possible outcome. She helps parents understand the emotional effects of divorce on children and how to protect their children from hurt, anxiety and long-term damaging consequences. Learn how to co-parent more effectively and become aware of your child’s needs at differing ages and stages during and after divorce.

 

12 Steps To A More Natural Family Home

Emma Weatherall, So Natural Baby, 15 pages, retail value $8.17

Many of the materials used in household items can leach chemicals into the air that we breathe and onto our children's delicate skin, causing problems and health issues that can affect your family's quality of life. This eBook will help you identify the 'nasties' in your home and give you ideas on what you can easily do to replace them or reduce their effects.

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Free gifts with purchase - exclusive to the Full Essential Parenting Collection

Gentle Parenting Coloring Pages

Hugo Smits, retail value $2.99

Conscious Communication

Lori Petro, TEACH through Love, 17 pages, retail value $20

Mindful Mondays: A collection of language examples exploring everyday parenting challenges using the process of compassionate communication

HighSelfEsteemKids

Dr. Joe Rubino, highselfesteemkids, audio, retail value $147

Learn the tools to champion children to build soaring self-esteem as a Certified Coach in Self-Esteem Elevation for Children.

Mama is Having a Baby - A Journey to Tandem Breastfeeding

Joni Rae Latham, Tales of a Kitchen Witch, coloring book, 15 pages, retail value $3.99

This is a 15-page coloring book with line drawings by Joni Rae Latham. The drawings depict a story done in coloring pictures of a nursing toddler who still spends much of his/her day breastfeeding, and the new baby that is suddenly in the house.

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read more "THE Everything Parenting eBook Bundle by Mindful Nurturing"