5 Reasons My Kids Watch As Much TV As They Want

The parenting web-sphere is often full of lamentations about kids watching too much TV or having too much "screen time" (a term meant to encompass TV, computers, tablets, phones, game systems, et. al.). Dire warnings about four hours of TV a day leading to reduced grades in school and of course will make them "obese zombies."

I wish I was making that up but those are the words this author uses. She also says, "But I don't let them [watch TV] because I love them." Wow. Hear that? If your kids watch TV you must not love them.

Unfortunately, TV has become the new litmus against which we can feel superior to other parents. "My kids are screen free," is an actual thing said between mothers (or worse, a shocked, "you let your kids watch TV??"). 

Meanwhile, my kids have their own TV in their playroom (not their bedroom - one of my few limits is that we don't fall asleep to TV.), access to Xbox and Wii, a tablet, and a phone. They choose when they use these devices and what they watch on them. 

Balancing the fearmongering in a way that lets you make the best decision for your family is difficult amongst the sanctimony and conflated-and-flawed research. The amount of screen time that is optimal for your family is something only you can decide.

I don't want to convince you to do it my way. I want to propose some decisions-making points you may not have thought of. Here's how I decided.

1. I love Computers and TV 

For me the place to start deciding how I feel about my kids and screen time is how I feel about myself and screen time. If you hate the internet and all TV and don't enjoy it at all then you probably won't make TV part of your life. Computers, particularly social media, was a huge part of my profession as a librarian. I taught classes on using Facebook and Twitter in science when I worked at NASA. The same sites also play a huge role in my social justice work today.

Do we really think that screens are a "waste of time" or "rots brains"? I sure don't. I've written before about how I love Facebook. Having information and personal connection at my fingertips is valuable to me and to the world, in my opinion. There are plenty of people who spend 8 hours a day in front of a screen and they aren't lesser people, right?

How do you know your child isn't a budding screenplay witter, director, game designer, or social media expert? How can you think that screen time is rotting their brains or a waste of time?

2. My kids aren't in school all day

This is a huge difference for me. Most of the studies are of children who go to modern schools. They spend 8 hours a day with very regimented and adult-directed activities. It doesn't surprise me at all that these kids want the mindless release of TV time after "working" all day at school.

My kids have TONS of unstructured and self-directed play and exploration every day. They have the choice to sit in front of a screen all day but they don't. My theory is that schooled kids habituate to unidirectional information flow. They are receptacles for learning all day so when they have free time they are either too exhausted or have simply lost the initiative to do something else. 

If my kids were in school I might feel they needed prodded out of reception mode and into transformative mode of learning.

3. My kids aren't inside all day.

I could have called this "my kids aren't in school all day part two" because this reason also stems from the fact that we don't school. One of the "dire consequences" of screen time that is always touted is childhood obesity.

Childhood obesity is complete bullshit. Beyond that studies on kids and screen time often conflate screen time with obesity without explaining that this correlation is not causation (don't they love to say that when it is about vaccines though?). The problem with too much screen time isn't the evil of the screen but the absence of what kids would be doing instead of sitting in front of a screen.

Once again let's do the math: 8 hours of school + homework + 3 hours (national average) of screen time = hardly any time for anything else. That means that besides the short recess (that schools are always shortening or eliminating) and physical education (ditto), kids are trapped in doors doing "work" nearly ALL DAY LONG. Of course they want to unwind the way the rest of the humans around them unwind: TV, games, social media.

My kids have a 12 hour day with nearly zero demands on their time. Besides eating and outing days where we go to the library or grocery shopping, my kids have seemingly infinite choice in how they spend their day. And, most often, if the weather is at all cooperating, we spend the bulk of our day outside.

4. We deeply engage in life - including screen time. 

When my kids were younger all their TV viewing was with me. We talked about what we saw and learned. Now this is a habit. I don't have to be watching with them constantly because they come and tell me what they learned or ask questions about something they saw. 

In this way my kids don't conceive of TV as "down time" or "empty learning calories". They see TV as a simple tool. Just like their blocks/bikes/dolls. TV is a tool and they use it about as much as they do other tools (how many hours a day do your kids play kitchen? Would you be worried if it were "too much"?)

They also see me and their Aunt Mandi and Daddy live fully outside of the TV too. We watch TV, we spend time on Facebook. We also spend time in the garden, and kitchen, and painting, and singing, and dancing. We Live. We model for them balanced use of screen and non-screen time. If your kids plop in front of the TV after school ask yourself, "do I plop myself in front of the TV after work?" I don't ask that like it is a character flaw or something to be ashamed of. My point is don't have a double standard. Don't ask your kids to limit their choices in entertainment when you don't limit yours the same way. 

Most importantly: If you want to limit screen time, limit it as a family, consensually, not as a special discrimination against people under the age of 15.

I've previously said that limiting screen time is an important part of unschooling. I don't mean that in the sense of forcing arbitrary limits on kids. I meant that we parents need to limit our screen time so we give our kids an example of a balanced life.

5. I have Advertising Free (or advertising light) screens. 

My view seems dangerously laizze faire to mainstream parents who gauge their parenting "goodness" by how much they limit their kids' choices. However, I am downright militant about commercial free screen time.

My kids have unlimited access to so much digital material and I want them to make those decisions for themselves. In order to do that in a way that doesn't also indoctrinate them into consumer culture, I only have commercial-free programming available. Thank the goddess for Netflix and Amazon Prime! (As a side note I think the adults have benefited greatly from commercial-free TV as well. The only commercial TV we currently watch is The Americans on FX and seeing the sexism and classism used to sell products is startling if you've been away from it for a while.)

My kids recently got obsessed with those YouTube videos where people open tiny toys. You know which ones I mean? Honestly they make me ill. They are so material, ya know? This gave me a great opportunity to talk about consumerism and the desire to collect stuff that is endemic in our culture. 

But what do they do all day?

Right now I'm writing on my laptop. It is cold outside so we are all inside (boo, April in Ohio). The TV in the living room (where I am) is playing Guardians of the Galaxy because I love the soundtrack and like noise in the background. The kids usually run in for the dance scenes (you know the "it's a dance off you big turd blossom") and run back to what they were doing.

Aellyn is watching cat videos on one of our phones. Boston is building a plane with bristle blocks. Asher is combing his new My Little Pony's hair and pretending to give her a bath. 

At about 10AM when I'm fully awake (I'm unashamedly NOT a morning person so even though I get up at 6 I do "screen time" myself until a much more humane hour like 10) I go start dinner, do dishes, take care of the seedlings we are sprouting, and do laundry. I play music while I do this and the kids tend to hover near me. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they play near me. Sometimes they are off building a fort out of pillows or being animal explorers (thanks Wild Kratz!). Often we have awesome conversations about everything from why kitty liter clumps to what happens when we die. 

They decide. There are very little demands on what they can do and when. As a result the ideas of "work" and "play" bleed together and my kids don't crave TV any more than they crave riding their bikes. Both options are equally available and equally valid. Without externally imposed judgments about how they *should* be spending their time they actually balance their activities in a healthy way.

That's really what consensual parenting (sometimes called radical unschooling) is all about. I trust that, if I give them the benefit of my faith in them, my kids will naturally have a life of balance. Humans are animals and they want to thrive. We thrive in balance and when we are out of balance we have dis-ease - mental and physical. 

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Unschooling Demystified: 5 Facts For the Homeschool Savvy

This article was originally published in Natural Mother Magazine, a free bi-monthly publication for parents. Check it out here.

The conversation began in a benign enough way,

“Will she start kindergarten in the fall?” My new neighbor inquired.

“Yes, she is five and would start kindergarten this fall, but we homeschool.” This question is often asked to gauge age since our culture uses school grade as a shorthand for age. I cross my fingers for an “oh, that’s nice,” and moving on to another topic.

No such luck.

“Oh, my mother’s cousin's neighbor’s dog’s breeder’s daughter homeschools. What curriculum do you use?”

Oh, boy. I gird my loins hoping this doesn’t end badly. “We don’t use a curriculum. We are unschoolers.”

Her face drops and her eyes dart between my chin (she’s no longer looking me in the eye) and my kids with a look of sympathy bordering on pity in her eyes. She quickly finds she has other things to do and scurries away. I wonder how quickly this news will spread around our new neighborhood.

You see, more often than not, when I say “unschool” people hear something else. Neglect. Abuse. Lazy. Stupid. They look at my kids with sympathy because they believe they will never amount to anything as a result of my “weird” choices.

The worst part is that the reactions are from people who understand and at least accept homeschooling as a valid option. If you haven’t heard the word unschool then I have a chance to tell you about it without preconceptions. But, it seems, if you have heard of the word then it is already so laden with misconceptions that I never stand a chance to explain otherwise.

I’ve had homeschooling groups tell me, “we don’t allow unschoolers.” Most are more subtle, requiring on their application that you provide the name of the curriculum you use. Membership in the Home School Legal Defense Fund (a large lobbying group in the US) requires you to sign that you use, “a clearly organized program of education to instruct [your] children.”

Why all the fear?

The right to educate your children at home has been hard won in many states. Being a “responsible” homeschooler is very important and homeschool groups want to protect their status as a socially acceptable alternative to traditional schooling. Proving educational excellence is a big part of the homeschool movement’s success at changing public opinion. Seeing homeschooled kids get into Harvard and go on to successful careers has been a positive influence on the public perception of homeschooling.

Unschooling, that amorphous philosophy without a curriculum, seems way too counter culture to the suddenly kinda-mainstream idea of homeschooling. I had a homeschool group leader tell me that homeschoolers have way more in common with traditional school than they do with unschoolers.

I disagree! Unschooling is a type of homeschooling and we share the same goals and difficulties that other homeschoolers face (Socialization? check. Prom? check. Sports? check.). We too made the decision to forgo traditional school because we want the best education possible for our kids.

Homeschoolers don’t need to be afraid that we are setting the movement back or will reflect poorly on other homeschoolers. Unschooling is perfectly legal in the US and has a rich history. The term “unschooling” may be new (coined by John Holt’s publication, Growing Without Schooling, in the 1970s) but the concept of self-directed learning (called autodidacticism) was famously practiced by the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, and Frederick Douglas (to name a few).

Here are 5 facts about unschooling specifically designed for the homeschool savvy. I hope it shows what we all have in common and demystifies some of the seeming amorphousness of unschooling.

1. Everyone Unschools.

When I post on FB something I’m doing with my kids and tag it #unschool, I invariable get a slew of, “well, I do that too!”  These pleas sound almost defensive but really, that is my whole point. Unschooling is as natural as breathing and all parents do it - homeschooled and public schooled.

If you homeschool with a curriculum and your daughter skins her knee and starts asking about what a scab is, do you say “no! we are talking about the digestive system this week!” No. One of the best things about the one-on-one (or one-on-five) nature of homeschooling is taking the time to share your child’s natural wonder with learning new things. Most of us (and traditionally schooling parents too) would jump on Youtube and see if you can find a fascinating video about scabs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrmFIXBXikk).

As an unschooler, the major difference is I wouldn’t stop there. I’d toss out the curriculum about the digestive system and really, really get into this curiosity my kid expressed. A trip to the library for books about the immune system. A look at my kid’s own gross scab under a microscope. Maybe a subscription to Brain Pop to view their cute videos about blood (http://www.brainpop.com/health/bodysystems/blood/preview.weml). Does her interest move towards healthcare or towards cell biology? Do her eyes light up about the immune system, circulatory system, or skin system? Is she a natural documentarian that can photograph and collect data on her scab over time (changes in color/size)?

2. Unschoolers use the same resources you do.

I once bought my daughter a pre-math skills workbook. When I told people this I got lambasted for “not unschooling” because I bought a - gasp!- school book.  

Unschooling isn’t about avoiding traditional learning methods at all costs. Unschooling suffers from a confusing name. I’ve never liked that it uses “un” which denotes being anti-something. Unschooling is definitely NOT about being anti-school. Unschooling is all about being PRO natural learning. We think that “school” is not a very good way to learn because learning is best when it is sparked by natural curiosity. We believe that mandatory, teacher-dictated learning is the killer of natural curiosity.

None of that means we are against “teaching” or traditional teaching methods. I use a lot of Montessori manipulatives with my kids because they are fun! My daughter absolutely loved her math workbook because she found it fun. If she wanted to take a class to learn more about something I would happily encourage her.

3. Unschooling parents are not “hands-off”

Sometimes people confuse “child-led” with “parent-absent.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Unschooling isn’t the easy way simply because there is no curriculum. A curriculum tells you what to teach and how to teach it. It also gives you assurance that your child is learning approximately the same things as a public schooler.

As an unschooler, I will set the tone for how learning looks in my home and being a voracious learner is one of the best ways. I model using my curiosity as a springboard for learning. The way I approach my own hobbies will show my kids the plethora of resources that exist and the drive to seek out answers to my questions.

I have to be hyper-vigilant to notice my child’s interests and find suitable ways to feed their curiosity. Instead of directing my child’s learning I act as a provocateur, asking questions that both encourage and stretch my child’s perceptions of the world. In order to do this I often have to share in my child’s interests. I know many unschooling parents who have taught themselves minecraft or pokemon in order to be better able to engage with their child’s learning.

4. Unschooling parents are not rocket scientists.

The corollary to #3, that unschool parents are hands off, is that unschool parents are geniuses and thus it works “for them.”

Unschooling, in my opinion, can actually be hindered by the super-smart parent who knows all the answers. Unschooling is all about following your own curiosity and how to find answers to your questions. If a child asks about a scab and you happen to be a dermatologist and tell them all the answers, you really haven’t helped them become expert learners.

As an unschool mom my best phrase is “I don’t know. Let’s find out!” I happen to have way too many college degrees to my name so people often say, “oh, I can see how unschooling would work for you but most people couldn’t do it.” Our society has come to believe that learning is a transaction where an expert (teacher) gives knowledge to a novice (learner). Unschooling believes that giving knowledge is not learning. Discovering knowledge for yourself is true learning. Being an excellent unschool parent isn’t about being a teacher as much as it is about being a detective - you can be a high school graduate (or not) and help your child learn theoretical physics through encouragement and resource-sleuthing.

5. Unschoolers have a different path to the same point.

Homeschoolers sometimes point to studies that show unschoolers are not on par with their traditionally homeschooled peers as proof of unschooling’s failure.

It is true. Homeschoolers who use a curriculum will be more easily compared to their public schooled peers. They learn much of the same things on the same timetable as traditional school. Unschooling is different enough that it makes comparison impossible.

One of the tenants of unschooling is that children learn best when they are ready. This means my 8 year old might not know how to read yet. In public school this would be considered a big failure and reason for remediation. As an unschooler it means to me that he or she has been busily working on other skills and will get to reading when they’re ready.

This is how we talk about toddlers learning to talk and walk. If a child is “behind” in walking we point to how advanced their verbal skills are and vice versa. We rarely worry that they’ll never learn to walk. The same applies to reading, writing, and arithmetic. We don’t worry they’ll never learn because we know that eventually their curiosity will come to a point where learning those things becomes necessary to satisfy them.

In the meantime, my child won’t compare well to yours. That doesn’t mean he is stupid or that unschooling is disadvantageous to him. Children who read “late,” but when they are ready, often pick it up quite quickly and end up right on par with their age-peers within a year.

Let me tell you, as an unschooler this is the hardest part. We see our children learning everyday and feel confident in our path. Then we see an age-peer doing things our child doesn’t do yet and it is hard. I’m not immune to worry about my child’s progress and it can be scary and fill me with self doubt. I have to remind myself that the goal of my education for my children is not to have competitive 10 year olds. My goal is to have well rounded adults. The path of the tortoise and the hare might be different but they all end up at the finish line!

Unschoolers are not neglectful, lazy, or a bad influence on the homeschool movement. We are conscientious parents who, like you, are trying to provide the best education for our kids.

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Learning Resources for Homeschool, Unschool, and Back-to-school

It's back to school — or back to homeschool for some.  For us unschoolers it really doesn't change.  However, the fall always reminds me of new learning opportunities.

I want to tell you about a new resource bundle focused on all things learning: the Mindful Learning eBundle

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• how to guide your kids' learning at home,


• how to teach early reading or nudge a reluctant reader,


• how to implement Montessori ideas into your home life,


• how to inject educational fun into your homeschooling,


• or how to have your questions about unschooling answered.

It's a collection of six carefully selected resources on learning and education. This is a practical bundle with over 1,200 pages of learning fun and numerous printables.

These six incredible e-resources at 75% off — only $12.50 for over $50 worth of learning materials!

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