Gender Neutral Parenting Book

Our culture has strict rules for acceptable behavior for men and women. But what about kids who fall outside the boundaries of prescribed roles? This book is a guide for parents in the practical application of Gender Neutral Parenting – a parenting style based on respect for a child’s self-identity and providing latitude in exploring their own version of gender and gender expressions.

In Gender Neutral Parenting you’ll learn the Five Skills Essential for GNP:

[lists style="6" title="5 Essential Skills For the Gender Neutral Parent" tag="h2"] [lists_item]Skill #1: Become Aware of Genderization[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #2: Become Aware of Your Gender Bias[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #3: Create a Gender Diverse Environment[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #4: Start a Dialog About Gender[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #5: Dealing With Family and Friends and Dispelling Myths[/lists_item] [/lists] With practical examples and real world scenarios, this book will give you the strong foundation needed to implement GNP in your home and with your children. You’ll learn about gender stereotypes for boys and girls and how to counteract them as a parent. Stereotypes covered include;

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Girl Genderization Stereotypes:

• Stereotype: Girls Are More Social and Less Physical


• Stereotype: Girls Are Princesses


• Stereotype: Girls Are Boy Crazy, Sexual Temptresses


• Stereotype: Girls Are Pure and Virginal

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Boy Genderization Stereotypes:

• Stereotype: Boys Are Physically Active But Behind Socially and Verbally


• Stereotype: Boys Are Emotionally Stunted


• Stereotype: Boys Are Slaves To Their Sex Drive


• Stereotype: Boys Will Be Boys

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You’ll also learn how to deal with family and friends (and strangers) that don’t understand your parenting approach. I’ll answer questions like; [notice type="error" title="Dispelling Myths Like..." tag="h4"]

“Won’t that make him gay?”

“Why are you so anti-feminine/anti-masculine?”

“Do you think she’s trans*?”

“You’re raising a person not a social experiment.”

“She’s going to hate you and need therapy.” Or, “He’ll be bullied.”

“I can’t believe you let her play with Barbies! Don’t you even care about her future?”

[/notice]   This book is for any parent, grandparent, or childcare teacher that wants a guide to raising kids without the strict limitations of gender roles and who wants to engage kids in conversations that will make them savvy media consumers and critical problem solvers around issues or gender and equality. Click to enlarge:

   

[dividers style="4"]

 3 Ways To Buy:

[animated_button align="none" animation="pulse" color="pink" size="medium" text="Buy PDF" url="http://shop.parentinggently.com/?product=gender-neutral-parenting-ebook"][animated_button align="none" animation="pulse" color="blue" size="medium" text="Buy for Kindle" url="http://www.amazon.com/Gender-Neutral-Parenting-Raising-themselves-ebook/dp/B00FRKSLO0/ref=reg_hu-rd_dp_img"][animated_button align="none" animation="pulse" color="orange" size="medium" text="Buy Print" url="http://www.amazon.com/Gender-Neutral-Parenting-Raising-themselves/dp/0615903525/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_pap?ie=UTF8&qid=1383138187&sr=8-1&keywords=paige+lucas-stannard"]

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Alternatives to Punishment and Sternness

"It feels wrong to give my kid comfort while punishing/disciplining them. Shouldn't I be stern?"
~anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a common question because as our society plays it "discipline" or "punishment" require you to show your disapproval – not smiling, hugging, eye contact, etc.  Quite literally, Supernanny's method of "time out" requires you to remain cold and distant until the child apologizes and is brought back in line.

Gentle discipline though separates the unwanted action from the unconditionally loved kid.  If your child hits someone with a toy – you need to remove the toy.  When they flip out wanting their toy back IT IS OK TO COMFORT THEM AND SHOW EMPATHY!

They still can't have the toy back but you can say "I know you really want the toy back but hitting isn't ok so I think the toy needs a break (I use toy "time outs" and my kids think it is hilarious).  Would you like to play with this toy now or read a book?"

There is no advantage to letting your disapproval show through your words, like, "You are being bad and bad kids don't get their toys."  The disapproval here is on the child not on the action.

So our culture wants us to Punish and then be Stern.

Instead, what if we change Punishment to Solutions and Stern to Firm but Loving.  For example, this is what our actions sound like:


Punishment – "you did something wrong and you need to "pay" by feeling bad emotionally or physically so you remember it."

INSTEAD:

Solutions – "you are good but you did something that hurts others.  We need to find a solution where everyone's needs are met – meaning no one gets hurt.  So, I think this toy wasn't helping you play nicely so it needs a time out."


Stern – "Mommy is mad at you for hitting.  I'm taking your toy from you now so you can feel the sting of disappointment and maybe you'll think twice before hitting again.  And you can cry all you want but you are the one in the wrong so I'm going to ignore you."

INSTEAD:

Firm – "Mommy is not giving you that toy back because hitting is just not ok, ever.  I understand you are upset and I'm willing to help you deal with that in a loving way that respects everyone's need."

Subtle? Yes. Semantics? Maybe.  But I think that slight shift in perspective can be a game changer.

The words we use frame our attitude toward a situation.  By simply changing the words we use to think about our parenting we can find a more peaceful and loving solution.

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3 Ways To Nurture Empathy In Your Kids

This article was originally published in 2010 on BabyDustDiaries.com

What are your parenting resolutions for 2010?  On the cusp of having a one-year-old, it seemed like a great time for thinking about what I want to theme my parenting on in the next year.  My theme for 2009 was definitely Attachment.  I wanted Aellyn to learn that the world was a safe place, mommy (or daddy) would always be there to take care of her needs.  Attachment is such an important base for any other parent-child interaction so of course I’ll continue that but for 2010 I think my theme will be Empathy.

em·pa·thy http://sp.ask.com/dictstatic/d/g/speaker.swf (ěm’pə-thē)  

n.  Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.

Empathy is for grown ups?

When you think of the myriad things that a child learn in their second year of life empathy may not seem to be at the forefront.  Walking, fine motor skills, rudimentary language, etc. probably come to mind.  The toys and books designed for this age are primarily to enforce these skills – blocks, shape sorters, books with first words like colors.  There isn’t anything wrong with these items and I plan on having a few around but, in all honesty, I think a parent would have to go out of their way to stop a child from learning these things.  At this age a baby has a driving need to explore and know their environment.  By ensuring a safe environment free of violence (yelling or physical punishment) and plenty of opportunity to say yes to her, Aellyn will surely learn her letters, numbers, and colors (it is, in fact, the primary philosophy of unschooling that learning is the natural state of children if left unimpeded by “teaching”).

Empathy, however, seems to be somewhat different.  Humans appear to be hardwired for empathy from birth (see below) but its development is based on interactions with other people and thus is highly dependent on the quality and quantity of those interactions.  Empathy has also traditionally been left to the school-age crowd since it was believed that pre-school children were not capable of Theory of Mind, or the understanding that others have different views than the self, a cornerstone of empathy.  Recent research, however, shows that  even infants have the rudimentary behavior needed for empathy.

• At 7-9 months of age infants understand the concept of attention to objects by others.  This shared-attention is result of the baby understanding that a person besides themselves finds an object of interest, and hence has a different thought.  (Baron-Cohen, S. (1991). Precursors to a theory of mind: Understanding attention in others. In A. Whiten (Ed.), Natural theories of mind: Evolution, development and simulation of everyday mindreading (pp. 233-251). Oxford: Basil Blackwell)


• At 12 months old infants can predict the behavior of someone else, an essential ingredient of empathy.  (Falck-Ytter, T., Gredebäck, G., & von Hofsten, C (2006). Infants predict other people’s action goals. Nature Neuroscience, 9 (7), 878-879. (PDF 138kB))


• 18 month olds show understanding of another person’s goals and intentions but do not do so for inanimate objects.  (Meltzoff, A. (1995). Understanding the intentions of others: Re-enactment of intended acts by 18-month-old children. Developmental Psychology, 31, 838-850.)


• 24 month olds display comforting behavior.
  “Recent developments in research cast doubt on early conceptions of young children as primarily egocentric and uncaring of others’needs. Studies reviewed indicate a broad range of social competencies children bring to their interpersonal relationships.  As early as 2 years of age, they show (a) the cognitive capacity to interpret, in simple ways, the physical and psychological states of others, (b) the emotional capacity to experience, effectively, the state of others, and (c) the behavioral repertoire that permits the possibility of attempts to alleviate discomfort in others.” (Zahn-Waxler, C., & Radke-Yarrow, M. (1990). The origins of empathic concern. Motivation and Emotion, 14, 107-130.)

Why Empathy?

Empathy is the foundation for a variety of skills/attitudes I aspire to for Aellyn.

• Empathy is necessary for successful social relationships (Marcus, Robert F. Empathy and popularity of preschool children.  Child Study Journal. Vol 10(3),1980, 133-145.).


• Empathy leads to increased academic achievement (see my reading list below).


• Empathy leads to creativity (Creativity and Cognition).


• Empathy decreases violence and aggression, including tantrums (Feshbach, Norma D.; Feshbach, Seymour. The relationship between empathy and aggression in two age groups.  Developmental Psychology. Vol 1(2), Mar 1969, 102-107.).


• Empathy is the root of a global worldview (Lisa A. Hollingsworth, Mary J. Didelot, Judith O. Smith; REACH beyond Tolerance: A Framework for Teaching Children Empathy and Responsibility.  Journal of Humanistic Counseling, Education and Development, Vol. 42, 2003).


• Empathy reduces prejudice (http://www.onfiction.ca/2009/11/research-bulletin-reducing-prejudice.html)


• Empathy is the root of environmentalism (a great article about biophilia in children:Nurturing Children’s Biophilia: Developmentally Appropriate Environmental Education for Young Children.)

Clearly, empathy is at least as important as the cultivation of the other skills Aellyn will learn in the next year.

Nurturing Empathy in a Toddler

My parenting goal for 2010 is to find ways to nurture Aellyn’s natural tendencies toward empathy through play.

1.  Books

I’ve recently read several great articles about the influence of children’s literature on the development of empathy (Children’s Literature and Empathy).

Feelings for Little Children Series.  This series come in Mad, Happy, Silly, and Sad versions and is designed for 1-3 year olds.  From the publisher website:

“Mad, Happy, Silly, and Shy are charming beginner’s introductions to a feelings vocabulary. The sooner parents start using language to express feelings with their babies, the sooner toddlers will be able to say how they feel. Parents know how much easier their job is when their toddlers can make themselves understood!  Mad, Happy, Silly, and Shy will give the youngest children a head start on the road to healthy expression of feelings. These unique board books fill an unmet need in a most engaging way.”

My Many Colored Days by Dr. Suess.  This is a classic that provides many different ways to express feelings.  For example, “On Purple Days/ I’m sad./ I groan./ I drag my tail./ I walk alone.”  A marriage retreat that DH and I went to stressed the importance of finding a variety of ways to describe our feelings and one was color.  Clearly they were on to something.

Baby Faces.  This is a favorite of mine because it uses photographs of real babies which Aellyn always seems to respond to more.

Feelings (Reading Rainbow Book).  This book has several short stories that each highlight a feeling.

I’m Gonna Like Me: Letting Off a Little Self-Esteem by Jamie Lee Curtis. I love this book. It doesn’t deal with empathy per se but I think self-esteem is such an important part of empathy. If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others, right?

2.  Toys and Games

For Aellyn’s first birthday I simply must get this wonderful toy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dycRR4rjXg&w=425&h=344

It is called a Kimochis (Japanese for feelings) and there are several styles (adorable website btw).  I really want the one in the video – Cloud.  I think I might be able to sew some additional feeling pieces for him but they do sell the kits and each one comes with instructions on how to engage your child with the doll.

Do2Learn has printable emotion cards that I plan to make into flash cards for Aellyn (although I could probably just draw something myself).  If you have older kids that can use the computer they have a great interactive Feelings Game too that is free. Also, check out Emotions Bingo andFaceland.

I Never Forget A Face. This is a memory game, which is probably a few years away for Aellyn but I think exposure to multicultural images from a young age is also important.  I want Aellyn’s empathy to reach beyond people that are like her.

3. Modeling for Mommy

“Our children are watching us live, and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say.”
Wilferd A. Peterson quotes

I love this quote. It is so true. Teaching empathy isn’t just about helping children develop feeling words but about showing them empathy and displaying empathy for others in my own actions.  When someone cuts me off in traffic I can let road rage take over or I can say “they must be in a hurry.  That must be frustrating for them.” I also want to name my own emotions. “Mommy is frustrated because traffic is bad.” And reflect Aellyn’s emotions by giving them a name. “I know you are sad that bathtime is over.”

My Reading List

Some books (and online resources) I want to read this year that will help me focus on parenting with empathy.  (I also love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, which I’ve already read.)Canada seems to be a step ahead of us in the importance of empathy in parenting and education. I found the following 2 sites that I want to explore further. Empathetic Parenting from the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children and Seeds of Empathy (Roots of Empathy for older children).Roots of Empathy: Changing the World Child by Child by Mary Gordon

Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others by Marco Iacoboni

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by Daniel Goleman

I hope to blog about this more throughout the year(s) since I think it is just so core to many of my other parenting choices.

How do you nurture empathy in yourself and your kids?

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Keeping Gentle Focus

If all my Facebook Friends and their networks are any indication, the world at large does not subscribe to the Gentle Discipline philosophy.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cringed when I’ve seen a friend calling out for help with an “issue” they are having with their child only to get pretty “hard core” disciplinarian answers back from a long list of friends.  (I usually message them directly with a much longer GD suggestion to try along with links to some blog posts or books to read to help lead them down a different path.).  So, in a world of “time-outs” and getting back to traditional values (aka spanking), it’s not always easy to stay on the Gentle Discipline path.

That’s where this great network of GD bloggers, authors and more comes in so handy.  There are times when I’ve felt I’ve lost my way and my “mean Mommy” is starting to creep back into daily life.  All it takes is a 30 minute reminder of some basic principles or a blog on exactly the issue I’m dealing with to get me back on track.  I started keeping a list of all the posts that really spoke to me.  I thought I’d share them with you here.  (Please note: I am not a big non-fiction, self-help book reader.  I’m more a “trashy, clear out the brain fiction reader to turn off my brain before bed” kind of book reader.  So, I really learn a lot more from others experiences and “best of” lists.  If you’ve got some wonderful books that have helped you, please add them to the list for others.)

1.  What is Gentle Discipline?

This is a great definition of what the heck we are talking about and a concise way to explain it to others, which I just had to do at lunch today.  Someone asked, “If you don’t punish, what do you do?”  Well, that’s not a short answer, my friends.

2.  The missing link in gentle discipline: Emotion

I love this one because it focuses on the feelings of the parents and the child and gives some great examples of how to tap into the emotions behind the behavior in many different situations.

3.  Creating a world of facts, instead of a world of commands

(This nugget is part of a larger post, that is all good, but I think this part at the end is the best!)

I admit it, I am a nag.  I pride myself in the fact that I can get people at work to do things they don’t want to just to make the nag go away.  I’m a nice nag, but a nag none the less.  But I absolutely hate having to tell my children a dozen times that they need to do something.  I caught myself doing this tonight, so this is a great post to come back to time and again for some good reminders about stating facts rather than commanding.  Like, “The dog is whining because she needs to go potty”, rather than “Take the dog outside, take the dog outside, please, take the dog outside…”

 4.  The problem with expecting kids to “co-operate”

This is my single favorite blog post I ever read on gentle discipline.  Wow, did it hit me like a zinger!  Just think about this, when you are asking your child to “co-operate”, do you really mean, “do what I say, now”?  I know that’s what I meant.  And sometimes that’s what has to happen, but I no longer kid myself into thinking I’m getting her to “co-operate”.  Read this one, it will rock your world!  Then, read this one:

5.  How Can We Work Toward Cooperation as a Family?

Some good tips to working towards actual co-operation, not the kind I was deluding myself I was achieving

6.  The Price of Denying Feelings

This one takes me back to my training about how all humans experience narcissistic wounding, by not being seen as they truly are by their parents and not having their emotional needs met.  Something I definitely want to avoid.  This post helps me remember why I’m taking the extra time and effort to be different and raise my children in a way that is a path less taken.

7.  Gentle Discipline How Tos

This blog post is a basic top ten list.  This is how I convinced my husband that I wasn’t performing voodoo on our kids.  I remember, we were on a long car trip and I printed this out and brought it along.  We chatted while the kids napped about each one of these.  At the end, he said to me, “OK, I think we do most of these anyway and I agree they make sense, we can just be more consistent and intentional about them.”  I think I saw a rainbow appear when he said those words and I knew I had him.  This is a great list for beginners to think about and to share with childcare providers as well.

8.  What are the basics of Win-Win parenting?

We talk a lot in GD circles about the “Gentle” part and what that means, but I had a harder time finding information about the “discipline” part.  I like this post, because it gives some good advice on setting the limits that are necessary and teaching our children.  This could be a great response to the “What do you do, if you don’t punish” question.

9.  5 Reasons to Stop Saying Good Job

This is probably the most controversial of the articles I’ve collected, and the hardest for me to actually follow.  It’s just such a natural tendency to blurt out, “Yeah!” or “Great Job!”  Makes a lot of sense to me though, so I try to insert some, “Looks like you worked really hard on that.” And “What’s your favorite part of the drawing you did?”.

10.     Encouraging things to say to kids.

So, if you don’t say “Good job”, what do you say.  Here’s a list of like 30 really encouraging things that focus on a child’s effort, problem solving skills, etc.  Every one of them would be really encouraging if someone said them to me.  In fact, I think it might be time to print this one for the fridge.

You’ve probably figured out that I don’t have an original thought about gentle discipline.  I’m still a novice on this journey and there are many times when I have to be gentle and forgiving with myself.  I’ve gotten very good at apologizing for my behavior to my kids and asking their forgiveness and understanding when I lose my temper.  As a coach, the thing I most want to help my clients become is “self-correcting”, so this list and the reminders that are offered, help me self-correct when I get off track.

And did you notice?  Most of the posts came from the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline.  Can’t wait to see what I add to my list this year!

What are your favorite books, blog posts, or resources for Gentle Discipline?  Help make our top 10 list even bigger!  Enter your own favorite resource at the very bottom of this post (it can be by you or someone else and you can enter as many as you like!)

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What a Carnival!  So many great posts and inspiration for our parenting journey!  Thank you to all of our bloggers who shared so freely of themselves.

3 things you can do right now to continue your Gentle Parenting journey:

1.  Subscribe to all the Carnival of Gentle Discipline blogs at once with this combined RSS feed!  I’ll be adding last year’s Carnival authors soon.  With this one subscription you can quickly browse some of the best gentle parenting blogging in the world.  I use Google Reader and read mine on my iPhone with the MobileRSS app whenever I have down time (waiting rooms, for example).  You could subscribe by email and quickly browse once a day.  There are tons of ways to integrate this into your routine. Find yours.

2.  Follow the Carnival of Gentle Discipline Twitter list:@babydust/parenting-gently-mamas If you are a twitter user you might prefer this to RSS.  You can follow the list and have one place where all the best gentle discipline tweeps are tweeting.

3.  Get your own Parenting Gently gear to spread the word that there is a better way!  Proceeds help us run Parenting Gently and keep it ad free.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.   We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win! This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Keeping Gentle Focus"

Punishment in Perspective

Parenting gently does not come naturally to me.  Yes, I started the site and the carnival but that is passion not ease.  Although I don't consider my parents abusive they did parent punitively and I was spanked.  I struggle often with yelling, controlling, and even wanting to spank.  That is why the invigoration of the carnival is so welcome to me.  I want to share with you one of the techniques I most often use when I need a "gentle" nudge back onto the gentle path.

Imagine your child is your spouse

I've been married to a wonderful man for 13 years.  We fight, we argue, but we love each other very much.  We've even been through dark times due to infertility that almost tore us apart.  We do not blithely float through our marriage.  We actively evaluate and adjust course to keep us on the track to a happy and fulfilling marriage.  I think to say that we try to treat each other gently is an understatement.  We love each other, recognize each other as unique, wonderful, flawed people who we chose to build a strong relationship with.

Imagine defining your relationships with your child that way.  My child is a unique, wonderful, flawed person who I love and choose to build a strong relationship with.

What would this look like and what wouldn't it look like.  Let's look at common parenting practices in this light.

Spanking

Punishment - My husband disobeys me, smarts off, or makes me mad.  I hit him.

Reality - this is called assault or spousal abuse.  It is not ok.  And it doesn't work.  I"m sure it would NOT strengthen our relationship but make him want to go very far away from me.  This is a breach of trust - disrespecting his whole person and body.

Non-punitive -  If my husband hurt my feelings (smarted off) or did something I asked him not to do (disobeyed) I would tell him how I felt and what I thought should happen.  I would say "that hurt my feelings/upset me and I don't feel comfortable with you when you do ____."

Time Out

Punishment - My husband write on my wall with a sharpie.  I ignore him and won't talk to him to show him I'm angry.

Reality - this is called the silent treatment and is really immature and passive aggressive.  It is selfish - it says I'm not happy and I want you to figure it out and fix it and I don't care to hear your side.  My love is contingent on your actions and you aren't getting any (sometimes in that way) until you shape up!

Non-punitive -  Being passive aggressive does not help me get what I need and it erodes the relationship.  What I want is not to have to clean sharpie off the wall and I *do* (or should) care what his reasoning was.  I can respect his point of view (writing on the wall was fun!) AND disagree with his implementation (behavior) and ask for an alternate plan that meets both our needs.

Consequences

Punishment - My husband leaves his socks on the floor so I won't let him watch football.

Reality - I hope this sounds silly to you.  The problem with "consequences" in traditional parenting is that they are arbitrary and don't teach anything.  And even though it does sound weird I do want to teach my husband.  If I've decided that socks is a big issue for me (optional, don't forget) then I need to talk to him about my needs.  Honestly he probably doesn't care about socks as much as me and wasn't trying to spite me when he did it.  He just forgot.  If I can focus on his wonderful qualities and not make a deal out of socks, better yet.  I was on my way to the hamper anyway.

Non-punitive -  What do you want a husband that obeys your every command for fear of you taking away his privileges?  Or do you want the socks in the hamper?  If it really frustrates me: "honey, can you go in the room and pick up your socks, please?"  If it moderately frustrates me: "honey, I picked up your socks.  Can you use the hamper next time?"  Or, just do it and don't say anything.  It is just a sock.

Yelling

Punishment - My husband spills his juice on the floor.  I launch into a tirade about what a slob he is and how he always does this and now he better clean it up.

Reality - Jumping from juice on the floor to a character assassination is a far leap.  How does that make him feel?  Like a failure and like I don't even like him let alone love him right now.  I guarantee when you freak out about a spill it is your emotions spilling over about something else.  You don't feel appreciated for all the cleaning you do?  You wanted him to wait till dinner to have some juice?  Something else.

Non-punitive -  "oh man, I hate it when that happens.  Here's a towel.  Need some help?"  I empathized, offered help and implied that I trust him to clean up his own messes.  In other words he is a strong and capable man.  If you have an underlying emotion then see "time out" above.

The next time you think about punishing your kids stop and think a minute about if you would do the same to your significant other.  Of course there are some differences due to age - like preparing you child for transitions, offering choices, etc. - but when they do something you find "wrong" treat them as a unique, wonderful, flawed person who you love and choose to build a strong relationship with and see what unfolds.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Punishment in Perspective"

Paradigm Shifts in Gentle Parenting

Welcome to day 2 of the carnival!  Take a moment to check out yesterday's wonderful posts.  Today we are continuing to look at some of the basic principles of gentle discipline.  Specifically these posts focused on compassion, cooperation, and empathy three words that are so important in gentle parenting.

First up we have Dr. Laura Markham @AhaParenting.com talking about When Empathy Doesn't "Work".  I know, for me, that empathy seemed too good to be true as a panacea for all my difficult situations.  It just couldn't work as well as people said!  Dr. Laura points out,

When parents begin using gentle guidance, they're often amazed by how well empathy "works" to calm their child. For most people, just having our views and feelings acknowledged makes us feel better, so we're more cooperative. So once parents get past their fear of "agreeing" with their child's "negative emotions" they quickly learn to empathize when their child is having a hard time.

She goes on to talk about some of the concerns parents raise about using empathy.

A lot of her answers are a change of paradigm; of living in harmony and respect with your children.  Our next author Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children talks about this topic of consensual living in One Size Doesn't Fit All.

One of the biggest hang-ups about consensual living I hear from parents is that there is no cut and dry answer. There isn't a pre-set formula which says that the child did X so the parent must do Y. Differing from traditional authoritarian parenting, when an infraction by the child must result in a punishment by the parent, consensual living challenges the parent to observe what happened, communicate with the child, and work with the child to find a solution which is acceptable to all. For those of us who grew up with traditional American dogma concerning the treatment of children, it can be a siwtch in thinking.

A Teachable Mom also looks at this difference from mainstream thoughts on parenting in To me, Gentle Discipline Means...  She shares several great concepts (nurture YOU!) but I really loved this;

Gentle Parenting to me means choices. When I am able to take a deep breath before I respond to my kids, I find I have more choices in how I interact with them. You’d think breathing would be an easy task, given that I’m presumably doing it regularly. You’d be wrong! When something isn’t going my way or is different from my plan, my typical reaction is to control, not breathe; tighten, not soften. When I’m able to remember to breathe, slow down and be gentle with myself, I tend to enjoy family interactions more. I’m guessing my kids do too!

Yesterday Practical OH Mommy talked about her beginnings in gentle parenting.  In today's post she talks about the concepts that rang most true with her in the early days.  I really loved what she had to say about the importance of play in So You're Thinking of Trying a Different Way?;

This is hard for me, because I’m a planner. I know how many things are on my to do list and just how much time there is to do them. And I work 40-50 hours a week outside of the home, want to feed them nutritious meals, keep things neat and tidy, spend quality time with my husband, etc. So, I had to add “playtime” to the top of my to do list every day. Selfishly, I find that when we get in a few good giggles together, it’s not so difficult when I do have to herd out the door, etc. And I can certainly tell by the behavior I get back from my kids if they’ve had their quota of funtime with Mom and Dad that week or not.

Can you relate?

Lastly for today we have Momma On a Mission reminding us that Kids Are People Too!  Her post is one of my favorite ways of getting back on track with gentle parenting - thinking "what would I do with another adult in this situation?"  Usually that makes they way we treat kids seem ridiculous by comparison!

Just put yourself in their shoes, and ask yourself what you could do to help your child make a transition, or to help them accept doing something that's necessary but not particularly pleasant. When you do have to impose something on them, try to remember to empathyze with them and validate their feelings. These principles have gone a long way in helping me build my relationships with my kids, and it feels really good when we work together towards something that we can all be happy about.

I think that Dionna Ford of Code Name: Mama's new book For My Children is a great way to connect with your child in this way.  The book itself is so beautiful with adorable art throughout but more importantly really poignant questions and journaling prompts that go far beyond the average baby book.  For example; "What do you value most about your children?" and "What moments have made you most proud of your child?"  I guarantee this type of reflection will help you remember to have empathy and respect for the unique people your children are.

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"]You can win one of three copies of For My Children by Dionna Ford of Code Name: Mama.   Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes[/box]

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Paradigm Shifts in Gentle Parenting"

Let the Carnival Begin!

Welcome to the 3rd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!  I'm so excited to start this week of great advice and inspiration for parenting gently.  I really find this week to be a restoritive retreat for those of us parenting in a way that we probably aren't familiar with from our childhoods and which the media is always telling us is a bad idea!  Getting together for this week and talking about gentle ways of parenting really helps me stay on track!  How about you?

If you've been here for the past Carnivals then you know I like to feature a motherhood artist.  This year we got really lucky with the beautiful artwork of Ruth-Mary Smith of Patchwork Family Art (Etsy Shop).  Here art is what led me to her but I found out her family, like mine, was a result of "non-traditional" family building.  Here is her story;

[box type="box" width="620" template="drop-shadow lifted" align="left" color="yellow"]My name is Ruth-Mary Smith. I am based in Sydney Australia. I use watercolours and vintage material to create illustrations that celebrate families.Patchwork Family Art is the name I have chosen for my art biz because of the way my family has been formed. It's a patchwork..

Zoom back in time about 12 years. Dave and I had been planning a family for a long time but had been unable to fall pregnant ( eight years of story here I am zipping through).We decided to adopt our baby and looked into adoption. There was a long process to the time we finally were allocated our precious Jasmin from Taiwan! The story gets more blessed and more complicated but a couple of months after we were first allocated I fell pregnant! Double blessing! It wasn't exactly smooth sailing to bring our Jasmin home. The government department here in Australia were concerned we couldn't love the 2 babies ( unthinkable!!!) but after many tears and prayers we finally flew to Taiwan to collect our baby, then just 12 months old. Kiralee was born 6 weeks later. Life changing....

So we were a happy little family but had the idea that God wasn't finished with us yet... a not complete feeling.... a ' there's someone else out there' feeling. We started looking into fostering with a view to adoption. We went to the seminar, had the social worker visit and filled in the application. We were told the wait would be around 18 months however on the day of approval they asked us "Are you ready to proceed?" So precious number three arrives in our life around 3 weeks later.

So we are our patchwork family. Formed for us in a way we didn't expect, we are very blessed. When choosing the name Patchwork family Art I loved how that it tied together love of family with a suggestion of vintage ( cause I love that too!) I hope you enjoy my art work as I share love of motherhood and family with love of simpler times with you.[/box]

Isn't that a beautiful story?  I think it reminds me how precious this parenting gig is which is really the foundation of gentle parenting.  Before we get started with today's posts there is one other thing we do each year that I need to tell you about.

Giveaways!

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"]This year we have 9 different items to giveaway! That means you have nine chances to win for each entry you submit. One of the prizes is a print from Patchwork Family Art!  Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes[/box]

Getting Started with Gentle Discipline

Today and tomorrow's posts are all about getting started with gentle parenting.  Maybe you are wondering what gentle parenting is or you already know you like the idea but don't know exactly what it means.  These posts are for you.

First we have Looking for a Better Way by Practical OH Mommy.  She tells us of how she came to gentle parenting a story I bet many of us can relate to!

from Samantha’s perspective, she didn’t really like me and told me that in just about every way she could.  She always preferred to spend time with her Daddy.  I would watch as he gave her undivided attention and played whatever she wanted.  I was jealous and thought if I just didn’t have so many darn things to get done, I could do that too.
At the end of one of the days I had Samantha with me, I sighed and thought what a good day it had been.  I only had to put her in time out 3 times and deal with major tantrums.  And now Daddy was home and they were giggling happily as he was tucking her in.  Something clicked for me and I realized that wasn’t really a good day.  I was tired of being “mean Mommy”.

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"] She goes on to talk about the steps she took to turn it around, including reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish - which we are giving away as part of the Parenting Gently Starter Pack.  Click here to enter to win this book bundle and other prizes![/box]

Our next two posst look at gentle parenting from a Christian perspective.*  Dulce de Leche talks about Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent?

What often gets lost in the focus on spanking, though, is that the Bible has a great deal to teach parents in other passages, too. One of the principles of gentle discipline is that instead of just telling our children what not to do, that we give clear, positive direction of what they should do instead. I believe God does that with His Word.

And I won't spoil the surprise but head on over to see the biblical verses that talk directly about children and parenting.

Second, and similarly, is a post I wrote about nearly the same thing called Spare the Rod?  Does the Bible Promote Spanking?.  The scripture I look at deals less with parenting per se and more with the spirit of compassion impressed upon us by Jesus and how that relates to parenting.

Our next post is from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy and is called Want a Hug?  I really love her post because it is something I struggle with daily.  It is so easy to fall back into the parenting patterns we see all around us, and in my case was parented with.  She challenges some of our assumptions about children which is really the foundation on which gentle parenting is built.

 Before finding people with similar ideals when my son was almost 6 months, I never knew people who wanted to use gentle discipline. I have to work each and every time something comes up to react in a way I can be proud of. I don't often succeed. The point is that I keep trying.

The last post for today is by Amy from Presence Parenting writing for Natural Parents Network and is called 10 Principles of Unconditional Parenting which summarizes the ten principles from Alfie Kohn's seminal book Unconditional Parenting.  His book (which you could win in this week's drawing) talks a lot about they why of unconditional parenting but his ten principles are simple and concise and infinitely implementable ideas.  If you haven't read his book this is a great peak and if you have it is a great reminder.

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"] You can win a copy of the book Unconditional Parenting as part of our grand prize giveaway Parenting Gently Starter Pack.  Click here to enter to win this book bundle and other prizes![/box]

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* Parenting Gently is actively seeking guest posts about gentle parenting and other cultures and religions. Contact us at parentinggently@gmail.com for more information.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Let the Carnival Begin!"

It’s All About Feelings: Respecting Emotions and Consensual Living

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.  Submissions due June 18th![/box]First up is Dr. Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting talking about the Missing Link in Gentle Discipline: Emotion.  She offers 10 tools for dealing with emotions in your child.  For example,

• “Remember that little ones can’t differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. (“You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don’t hit, but let’s tell him in words that he isn’t to hurt you.”)”

I love that example because it validates the feeling in the child – something that is difficult to do when aggressive behavior is involved because it triggers such a strong reaction in you as the parent.  Letting the child know that the hitting was a no-no but not the emotion is so important because, as Dr. Markham goes on to say,

• “Anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt, or sadness.  Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions.”

Not only is this an important piece of the gentle parenting puzzle but by modeling this empathy you can raise empathetic children – adults that can understand how others are feeling and respond with compassion.

Melissa at The New Mommy Files talks about A Respectful Approach to Discipline.  Her own experiences with discipline growing up have helped shape how she approaches discipline with her daughter.

• “My own experiences with growing into a somewhat disciplined adult have served to validate my personal views on discipline in parenting. It is my belief that the most important quality of any person who wishes to care for children is an attitude of respect, and I try to cultivate this attitude in myself and apply it in my role as a parent at all times. Because I respect my daughter and trust in her ability to learn from her own experiences, I don’t feel that punishment is necessary. Ditto moralizing, lecturing, and strict rule-setting.”

Instead Melissa sees her role as,

• “Respect[ing] her need tom ess up and giv[ing] her space to do so.  My job is to trust her to take valuable lessons away from her experiences.”

Our final post today is at the Natural Parents Network and it is on Consensual Living.  Consensual living is something I’ve just come to start learning about but, like me, if you are already practicing gentle parenting you’ll find yourself nodding “ah, yes” quite often.  Then again, there are many misconceptions about it!  Like this article from ParentDish that says “these parents almost always give in at the first sign of resistance. You might call a parent like this lazy, but maybe there is more to it than that. Perhaps they are proponents of a new parenting movement called consensual living.” Natural Parents Network defines consensual living with some examples,

• “Consensual living is about living peacefully with each other and working together to find solutions that satisfy everyone involved while still allowing for individual autonomy and dignity…Instead of going into a situation with an adversarial attitude, which can set you up for power struggles and arguments, you go in with the assumption that all parties want to find a solution that makes everyone happy. It is about parenting who your child is now, rather than who you want your child to be.”

The post also talks about child-centered vs. family-centered and offers resources for learning more about consensual living.

read more "It’s All About Feelings: Respecting Emotions and Consensual Living"