3 Ways To Repsond Rather Than "Buy ALL the Pies"

You may have had this misfortune of hearing this story of a man who bought all the pies at Burger King to punish a child and his mother who was having an emotional breakdown in the line.  Here's the story for background.

So a while ago I had decided to treat myself and go to Burger King. I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, shes still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much. Things immediately go back to the they were and I wait another 5 minutes before getting to the front of the line. It turns out it was so slow because they had 1 trainee on cash during the lunch hour rush. All I can think of is how the people behind me ruined my splurge and gave me this headache. I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

When I posted this to my Facebook page with a comment about how this guy was what was wrong with the world some of the comments I got were along the lines of "this guy rocks! Bad parents deserve this shit!"

Let's set aside for a moment the sexism inherent. Ask yourselves if the man's response would have been the same if it would have been a son and his father. Would he have felt sympathy? Would he maybe have thought it was *still* the mother's fault? Just think on that.

What I want to talk about is the "bad parenting" myth. The idea that children "misbehave" because of poor parenting and that the "problem" (aka the child) would be better off if the parent laid down the law and disciplined the bad behavior.

What is misbehavior? It is kind of an arbitrary term meaning "stuff I don't like". It changes from person to person and from culture to culture. It also is a term only used for children.  Do we say our friends are misbehaving? Do we say our spouses are "disobedient"? You can read more about the meaning of misbehavior here.

Let's turn to the basis of "gentle parenting" and why people think it is permissive. There isn't much in the story about how the mother was interacting with her son but the implication that it was "bad parenting" usually implies she was wrong for not putting her foot down and shutting him up post haste. So, the question is - is a child "misbehaving" BECAUSE his mother isn't cracking the whip?

A child who is having an emotional out burst isn't "misbehaving" or in need of "discipline" ( in the common misuse of the word to mean punishment) anymore than a mentally disabled adult or a Alzheimer's patient is "misbehaving". A child's brain is not developed enough to control lower-brain emotional triggers like it will be when the brain matures (see my explanation of human brain development in this issue of Natural Mother Magazine). 

Parenting gently advocates that CHILDREN ARE HUMAN BEINGS and deserving of the same respect as other human beings. When a child is consumed by emotions they can't control (anger, hunger, exhaustion, etc. and even happiness when some kids bite because they can't handle the excitement) they need guidance (the real meaning of "discipline") on how to appropriately express their feelings and control them. Guidance is not punishment, shame, physical abuse or other negative forms of "good parenting".

Guidance means showing empathy and respect for a fellow human that is struggling. Sometimes it means saying no and setting limits. Sometimes it means no pie. But first and foremost it requires connection between two humans and not a power display from an authority figure.

If you saw a woman with her own mother in her 80s screaming that she refused to eat anything but a pie and was being angry and loud about it would you think "what a bad daughter she is. Why can't she control that bratty woman?"  No, you'd feel sympathy for the mother that couldn't control herself (because being out of control feels scary) and for the woman who was trying so hard to provide a meal for her mentally impaired mother.

Why is one different than the other? Because we have respect for the Alzheimer's patient and zero respect for children. Children are supposed to fit our mold and "act right" despite their immature brains. When children display developmentally appropriate behavior they are misbehaving. When gma displays developmentally appropriate (developmentally declined) behavior it is simply a symptom of her brain development and we can easily continue to treat her as a human.

Of course someone is going to say "but I never acted like that so "good" parenting works". Yes, you can use physical and mental manipulation to have obedient children who do as their told out of either fear of punishment or want of a reward. They aren't patient or caring or sorry people but they act out being those things to avoid pain or gain favor. A child parented with respect will actually learn to BE patient, BE compassionate, and BE sorry because they've had those things modeled for them. Since most people are parented with the goal of obedience they grow up with a stunted sense of compassion for others.

Case in point: the guy who bought the pies could have thought one of these three things;

1. "Wow, that mother has her hands full. How could I help her?" Maybe just eye contact and a sympathetic smile to let her know she's not alone. 
2. "That poor kid really wants a pie he must really be having a hard time dealing with the waiting. I hate waiting too but I have years of experience." 
3. That mom looks really frazzled and embarrassed that her kid is being loud. I should engage the kid to ease her job of raising the next generation of the species. Maybe I'll ask him what kind of pie he wants." A big grown up asking a direct question to a child? Children love this because they know when they are being treated like people - you know, regular people.

Instead he though; "that kid is annoying and it is that woman's fault. What an annoyance to me that I have to be subjected to a human that isn't on my level mentally or with someone daring to have a bad day. I'll show them! I'll buy all the fucking pies and then they'll learn their lesson that they better act the way that conveniences me or they'll get it again."

Yeah, that last guy is making the world a wonderful place. Can you hear the vindictiveness? The self-centeredness? Is this the type of person we want to be? Or, that we want our kids to grow up and be?

If he were a person thinking the first three things or something along those lines then he will reap the benefit of making someone else happy. Maybe he'll make that kid's day by talking to him. Maybe he'll make that mom's day by reminding her that parenting is hard and people appreciate the work she does. Maybe that mom will be calmed enough by a kind word to handle her son's next breakdown with more aplomb and compassion. Maybe she'll pay it forward to another mom one day. Maybe it will spread like wildfire and compassion will be the first thing that pops into people's minds instead of petty backstabbing. Maybe that kid will grow up to control the launch codes and maybe he'll stop and think with compassion instead of judgment and anger when "other people" annoy him (do you see the roots of racism, sexism, and homophobia in "otherness" beliefs?). If more people join him maybe the world could have some peace.

Or we can use our plentiful monetary resources and mental energy to buy a bunch of pies just to shit on a child and his mother trying to eat lunch.

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It’s All About Feelings: Respecting Emotions and Consensual Living

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.  Submissions due June 18th![/box]First up is Dr. Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting talking about the Missing Link in Gentle Discipline: Emotion.  She offers 10 tools for dealing with emotions in your child.  For example,

• “Remember that little ones can’t differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. (“You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don’t hit, but let’s tell him in words that he isn’t to hurt you.”)”

I love that example because it validates the feeling in the child – something that is difficult to do when aggressive behavior is involved because it triggers such a strong reaction in you as the parent.  Letting the child know that the hitting was a no-no but not the emotion is so important because, as Dr. Markham goes on to say,

• “Anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt, or sadness.  Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions.”

Not only is this an important piece of the gentle parenting puzzle but by modeling this empathy you can raise empathetic children – adults that can understand how others are feeling and respond with compassion.

Melissa at The New Mommy Files talks about A Respectful Approach to Discipline.  Her own experiences with discipline growing up have helped shape how she approaches discipline with her daughter.

• “My own experiences with growing into a somewhat disciplined adult have served to validate my personal views on discipline in parenting. It is my belief that the most important quality of any person who wishes to care for children is an attitude of respect, and I try to cultivate this attitude in myself and apply it in my role as a parent at all times. Because I respect my daughter and trust in her ability to learn from her own experiences, I don’t feel that punishment is necessary. Ditto moralizing, lecturing, and strict rule-setting.”

Instead Melissa sees her role as,

• “Respect[ing] her need tom ess up and giv[ing] her space to do so.  My job is to trust her to take valuable lessons away from her experiences.”

Our final post today is at the Natural Parents Network and it is on Consensual Living.  Consensual living is something I’ve just come to start learning about but, like me, if you are already practicing gentle parenting you’ll find yourself nodding “ah, yes” quite often.  Then again, there are many misconceptions about it!  Like this article from ParentDish that says “these parents almost always give in at the first sign of resistance. You might call a parent like this lazy, but maybe there is more to it than that. Perhaps they are proponents of a new parenting movement called consensual living.” Natural Parents Network defines consensual living with some examples,

• “Consensual living is about living peacefully with each other and working together to find solutions that satisfy everyone involved while still allowing for individual autonomy and dignity…Instead of going into a situation with an adversarial attitude, which can set you up for power struggles and arguments, you go in with the assumption that all parties want to find a solution that makes everyone happy. It is about parenting who your child is now, rather than who you want your child to be.”

The post also talks about child-centered vs. family-centered and offers resources for learning more about consensual living.

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