You may have had this misfortune of hearing this story of a man who bought all the pies at Burger King to punish a child and his mother who was having an emotional breakdown in the line. Here's the story for background.
When I posted this to my Facebook page with a comment about how this guy was what was wrong with the world some of the comments I got were along the lines of "this guy rocks! Bad parents deserve this shit!"
Let's set aside for a moment the sexism inherent. Ask yourselves if the man's response would have been the same if it would have been a son and his father. Would he have felt sympathy? Would he maybe have thought it was *still* the mother's fault? Just think on that.
What I want to talk about is the "bad parenting" myth. The idea that children "misbehave" because of poor parenting and that the "problem" (aka the child) would be better off if the parent laid down the law and disciplined the bad behavior.
What is misbehavior? It is kind of an arbitrary term meaning "stuff I don't like". It changes from person to person and from culture to culture. It also is a term only used for children. Do we say our friends are misbehaving? Do we say our spouses are "disobedient"? You can read more about the meaning of misbehavior here.
Let's turn to the basis of "gentle parenting" and why people think it is permissive. There isn't much in the story about how the mother was interacting with her son but the implication that it was "bad parenting" usually implies she was wrong for not putting her foot down and shutting him up post haste. So, the question is - is a child "misbehaving" BECAUSE his mother isn't cracking the whip?
A child who is having an emotional out burst isn't "misbehaving" or in need of "discipline" ( in the common misuse of the word to mean punishment) anymore than a mentally disabled adult or a Alzheimer's patient is "misbehaving". A child's brain is not developed enough to control lower-brain emotional triggers like it will be when the brain matures (see my explanation of human brain development in this issue of Natural Mother Magazine).
Parenting gently advocates that CHILDREN ARE HUMAN BEINGS and deserving of the same respect as other human beings. When a child is consumed by emotions they can't control (anger, hunger, exhaustion, etc. and even happiness when some kids bite because they can't handle the excitement) they need guidance (the real meaning of "discipline") on how to appropriately express their feelings and control them. Guidance is not punishment, shame, physical abuse or other negative forms of "good parenting".
Guidance means showing empathy and respect for a fellow human that is struggling. Sometimes it means saying no and setting limits. Sometimes it means no pie. But first and foremost it requires connection between two humans and not a power display from an authority figure.
If you saw a woman with her own mother in her 80s screaming that she refused to eat anything but a pie and was being angry and loud about it would you think "what a bad daughter she is. Why can't she control that bratty woman?" No, you'd feel sympathy for the mother that couldn't control herself (because being out of control feels scary) and for the woman who was trying so hard to provide a meal for her mentally impaired mother.
Why is one different than the other? Because we have respect for the Alzheimer's patient and zero respect for children. Children are supposed to fit our mold and "act right" despite their immature brains. When children display developmentally appropriate behavior they are misbehaving. When gma displays developmentally appropriate (developmentally declined) behavior it is simply a symptom of her brain development and we can easily continue to treat her as a human.
Of course someone is going to say "but I never acted like that so "good" parenting works". Yes, you can use physical and mental manipulation to have obedient children who do as their told out of either fear of punishment or want of a reward. They aren't patient or caring or sorry people but they act out being those things to avoid pain or gain favor. A child parented with respect will actually learn to BE patient, BE compassionate, and BE sorry because they've had those things modeled for them. Since most people are parented with the goal of obedience they grow up with a stunted sense of compassion for others.
Case in point: the guy who bought the pies could have thought one of these three things;
Instead he though; "that kid is annoying and it is that woman's fault. What an annoyance to me that I have to be subjected to a human that isn't on my level mentally or with someone daring to have a bad day. I'll show them! I'll buy all the fucking pies and then they'll learn their lesson that they better act the way that conveniences me or they'll get it again."
Yeah, that last guy is making the world a wonderful place. Can you hear the vindictiveness? The self-centeredness? Is this the type of person we want to be? Or, that we want our kids to grow up and be?
If he were a person thinking the first three things or something along those lines then he will reap the benefit of making someone else happy. Maybe he'll make that kid's day by talking to him. Maybe he'll make that mom's day by reminding her that parenting is hard and people appreciate the work she does. Maybe that mom will be calmed enough by a kind word to handle her son's next breakdown with more aplomb and compassion. Maybe she'll pay it forward to another mom one day. Maybe it will spread like wildfire and compassion will be the first thing that pops into people's minds instead of petty backstabbing. Maybe that kid will grow up to control the launch codes and maybe he'll stop and think with compassion instead of judgment and anger when "other people" annoy him (do you see the roots of racism, sexism, and homophobia in "otherness" beliefs?). If more people join him maybe the world could have some peace.
Or we can use our plentiful monetary resources and mental energy to buy a bunch of pies just to shit on a child and his mother trying to eat lunch.
read more "3 Ways To Repsond Rather Than "Buy ALL the Pies" "
When I posted this to my Facebook page with a comment about how this guy was what was wrong with the world some of the comments I got were along the lines of "this guy rocks! Bad parents deserve this shit!"
Let's set aside for a moment the sexism inherent. Ask yourselves if the man's response would have been the same if it would have been a son and his father. Would he have felt sympathy? Would he maybe have thought it was *still* the mother's fault? Just think on that.
What I want to talk about is the "bad parenting" myth. The idea that children "misbehave" because of poor parenting and that the "problem" (aka the child) would be better off if the parent laid down the law and disciplined the bad behavior.
What is misbehavior? It is kind of an arbitrary term meaning "stuff I don't like". It changes from person to person and from culture to culture. It also is a term only used for children. Do we say our friends are misbehaving? Do we say our spouses are "disobedient"? You can read more about the meaning of misbehavior here.
Let's turn to the basis of "gentle parenting" and why people think it is permissive. There isn't much in the story about how the mother was interacting with her son but the implication that it was "bad parenting" usually implies she was wrong for not putting her foot down and shutting him up post haste. So, the question is - is a child "misbehaving" BECAUSE his mother isn't cracking the whip?
A child who is having an emotional out burst isn't "misbehaving" or in need of "discipline" ( in the common misuse of the word to mean punishment) anymore than a mentally disabled adult or a Alzheimer's patient is "misbehaving". A child's brain is not developed enough to control lower-brain emotional triggers like it will be when the brain matures (see my explanation of human brain development in this issue of Natural Mother Magazine).
Parenting gently advocates that CHILDREN ARE HUMAN BEINGS and deserving of the same respect as other human beings. When a child is consumed by emotions they can't control (anger, hunger, exhaustion, etc. and even happiness when some kids bite because they can't handle the excitement) they need guidance (the real meaning of "discipline") on how to appropriately express their feelings and control them. Guidance is not punishment, shame, physical abuse or other negative forms of "good parenting".
Guidance means showing empathy and respect for a fellow human that is struggling. Sometimes it means saying no and setting limits. Sometimes it means no pie. But first and foremost it requires connection between two humans and not a power display from an authority figure.
If you saw a woman with her own mother in her 80s screaming that she refused to eat anything but a pie and was being angry and loud about it would you think "what a bad daughter she is. Why can't she control that bratty woman?" No, you'd feel sympathy for the mother that couldn't control herself (because being out of control feels scary) and for the woman who was trying so hard to provide a meal for her mentally impaired mother.
Why is one different than the other? Because we have respect for the Alzheimer's patient and zero respect for children. Children are supposed to fit our mold and "act right" despite their immature brains. When children display developmentally appropriate behavior they are misbehaving. When gma displays developmentally appropriate (developmentally declined) behavior it is simply a symptom of her brain development and we can easily continue to treat her as a human.
Of course someone is going to say "but I never acted like that so "good" parenting works". Yes, you can use physical and mental manipulation to have obedient children who do as their told out of either fear of punishment or want of a reward. They aren't patient or caring or sorry people but they act out being those things to avoid pain or gain favor. A child parented with respect will actually learn to BE patient, BE compassionate, and BE sorry because they've had those things modeled for them. Since most people are parented with the goal of obedience they grow up with a stunted sense of compassion for others.
Case in point: the guy who bought the pies could have thought one of these three things;
- "Wow, that mother has her hands full. How could I help her?" Maybe just eye contact and a sympathetic smile to let her know she's not alone.
- "That poor kid really wants a pie he must really be having a hard time dealing with the waiting. I hate waiting too but I have years of experience."
- That mom looks really frazzled and embarrassed that her kid is being loud. I should engage the kid to ease her job of raising the next generation of the species. Maybe I'll ask him what kind of pie he wants." A big grown up asking a direct question to a child? Children love this because they know when they are being treated like people - you know, regular people.
Instead he though; "that kid is annoying and it is that woman's fault. What an annoyance to me that I have to be subjected to a human that isn't on my level mentally or with someone daring to have a bad day. I'll show them! I'll buy all the fucking pies and then they'll learn their lesson that they better act the way that conveniences me or they'll get it again."
Yeah, that last guy is making the world a wonderful place. Can you hear the vindictiveness? The self-centeredness? Is this the type of person we want to be? Or, that we want our kids to grow up and be?
If he were a person thinking the first three things or something along those lines then he will reap the benefit of making someone else happy. Maybe he'll make that kid's day by talking to him. Maybe he'll make that mom's day by reminding her that parenting is hard and people appreciate the work she does. Maybe that mom will be calmed enough by a kind word to handle her son's next breakdown with more aplomb and compassion. Maybe she'll pay it forward to another mom one day. Maybe it will spread like wildfire and compassion will be the first thing that pops into people's minds instead of petty backstabbing. Maybe that kid will grow up to control the launch codes and maybe he'll stop and think with compassion instead of judgment and anger when "other people" annoy him (do you see the roots of racism, sexism, and homophobia in "otherness" beliefs?). If more people join him maybe the world could have some peace.
Or we can use our plentiful monetary resources and mental energy to buy a bunch of pies just to shit on a child and his mother trying to eat lunch.
