Keeping Gentle Focus

If all my Facebook Friends and their networks are any indication, the world at large does not subscribe to the Gentle Discipline philosophy.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cringed when I’ve seen a friend calling out for help with an “issue” they are having with their child only to get pretty “hard core” disciplinarian answers back from a long list of friends.  (I usually message them directly with a much longer GD suggestion to try along with links to some blog posts or books to read to help lead them down a different path.).  So, in a world of “time-outs” and getting back to traditional values (aka spanking), it’s not always easy to stay on the Gentle Discipline path.

That’s where this great network of GD bloggers, authors and more comes in so handy.  There are times when I’ve felt I’ve lost my way and my “mean Mommy” is starting to creep back into daily life.  All it takes is a 30 minute reminder of some basic principles or a blog on exactly the issue I’m dealing with to get me back on track.  I started keeping a list of all the posts that really spoke to me.  I thought I’d share them with you here.  (Please note: I am not a big non-fiction, self-help book reader.  I’m more a “trashy, clear out the brain fiction reader to turn off my brain before bed” kind of book reader.  So, I really learn a lot more from others experiences and “best of” lists.  If you’ve got some wonderful books that have helped you, please add them to the list for others.)

1.  What is Gentle Discipline?

This is a great definition of what the heck we are talking about and a concise way to explain it to others, which I just had to do at lunch today.  Someone asked, “If you don’t punish, what do you do?”  Well, that’s not a short answer, my friends.

2.  The missing link in gentle discipline: Emotion

I love this one because it focuses on the feelings of the parents and the child and gives some great examples of how to tap into the emotions behind the behavior in many different situations.

3.  Creating a world of facts, instead of a world of commands

(This nugget is part of a larger post, that is all good, but I think this part at the end is the best!)

I admit it, I am a nag.  I pride myself in the fact that I can get people at work to do things they don’t want to just to make the nag go away.  I’m a nice nag, but a nag none the less.  But I absolutely hate having to tell my children a dozen times that they need to do something.  I caught myself doing this tonight, so this is a great post to come back to time and again for some good reminders about stating facts rather than commanding.  Like, “The dog is whining because she needs to go potty”, rather than “Take the dog outside, take the dog outside, please, take the dog outside…”

 4.  The problem with expecting kids to “co-operate”

This is my single favorite blog post I ever read on gentle discipline.  Wow, did it hit me like a zinger!  Just think about this, when you are asking your child to “co-operate”, do you really mean, “do what I say, now”?  I know that’s what I meant.  And sometimes that’s what has to happen, but I no longer kid myself into thinking I’m getting her to “co-operate”.  Read this one, it will rock your world!  Then, read this one:

5.  How Can We Work Toward Cooperation as a Family?

Some good tips to working towards actual co-operation, not the kind I was deluding myself I was achieving

6.  The Price of Denying Feelings

This one takes me back to my training about how all humans experience narcissistic wounding, by not being seen as they truly are by their parents and not having their emotional needs met.  Something I definitely want to avoid.  This post helps me remember why I’m taking the extra time and effort to be different and raise my children in a way that is a path less taken.

7.  Gentle Discipline How Tos

This blog post is a basic top ten list.  This is how I convinced my husband that I wasn’t performing voodoo on our kids.  I remember, we were on a long car trip and I printed this out and brought it along.  We chatted while the kids napped about each one of these.  At the end, he said to me, “OK, I think we do most of these anyway and I agree they make sense, we can just be more consistent and intentional about them.”  I think I saw a rainbow appear when he said those words and I knew I had him.  This is a great list for beginners to think about and to share with childcare providers as well.

8.  What are the basics of Win-Win parenting?

We talk a lot in GD circles about the “Gentle” part and what that means, but I had a harder time finding information about the “discipline” part.  I like this post, because it gives some good advice on setting the limits that are necessary and teaching our children.  This could be a great response to the “What do you do, if you don’t punish” question.

9.  5 Reasons to Stop Saying Good Job

This is probably the most controversial of the articles I’ve collected, and the hardest for me to actually follow.  It’s just such a natural tendency to blurt out, “Yeah!” or “Great Job!”  Makes a lot of sense to me though, so I try to insert some, “Looks like you worked really hard on that.” And “What’s your favorite part of the drawing you did?”.

10.     Encouraging things to say to kids.

So, if you don’t say “Good job”, what do you say.  Here’s a list of like 30 really encouraging things that focus on a child’s effort, problem solving skills, etc.  Every one of them would be really encouraging if someone said them to me.  In fact, I think it might be time to print this one for the fridge.

You’ve probably figured out that I don’t have an original thought about gentle discipline.  I’m still a novice on this journey and there are many times when I have to be gentle and forgiving with myself.  I’ve gotten very good at apologizing for my behavior to my kids and asking their forgiveness and understanding when I lose my temper.  As a coach, the thing I most want to help my clients become is “self-correcting”, so this list and the reminders that are offered, help me self-correct when I get off track.

And did you notice?  Most of the posts came from the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline.  Can’t wait to see what I add to my list this year!

What are your favorite books, blog posts, or resources for Gentle Discipline?  Help make our top 10 list even bigger!  Enter your own favorite resource at the very bottom of this post (it can be by you or someone else and you can enter as many as you like!)

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What a Carnival!  So many great posts and inspiration for our parenting journey!  Thank you to all of our bloggers who shared so freely of themselves.

3 things you can do right now to continue your Gentle Parenting journey:

1.  Subscribe to all the Carnival of Gentle Discipline blogs at once with this combined RSS feed!  I’ll be adding last year’s Carnival authors soon.  With this one subscription you can quickly browse some of the best gentle parenting blogging in the world.  I use Google Reader and read mine on my iPhone with the MobileRSS app whenever I have down time (waiting rooms, for example).  You could subscribe by email and quickly browse once a day.  There are tons of ways to integrate this into your routine. Find yours.

2.  Follow the Carnival of Gentle Discipline Twitter list:@babydust/parenting-gently-mamas If you are a twitter user you might prefer this to RSS.  You can follow the list and have one place where all the best gentle discipline tweeps are tweeting.

3.  Get your own Parenting Gently gear to spread the word that there is a better way!  Proceeds help us run Parenting Gently and keep it ad free.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.   We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win! This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Keeping Gentle Focus"

Dealing with the tough stuff

Welcome to carnival day 4!  We hope you have read something that spoke to you and you are ready to try some new gentle techniques in your home.  Today's authors look at some specific situations that many parents face and give us a gentle approach to resolution.

In "Parenting Gently through the Preschool Phase", Attached Moms discuss the transition from an attached parent of a baby to a gentle parent of a preschooler, complete with a sense of self and the ability to carry out their actions.

The Natural Parenting Mentors at Natural Parents Network address a reader's challenging question in "Toddler Discipline and Balancing Needs".  See three different answers chock full of practical examples to this question:

"...I am struggling right now with the fact that sometimes [my son's] wants and needs conflict with mine. I want to be able to say yes most of the time, and I want to model for him that both of our needs matter. He’s too little to understand reasoning though, and he doesn’t have much patience for waiting at this stage. For instance, I would like to be able to sit down on the floor next to him and eat a meal for at least five minutes, but I almost never get to do that because he pulls on my hand and says, “Mama up,” and tries to get me to go somewhere else in the house, hold him, or both. Also, sometimes I need to cook, do laundry, or check my email (with my attention diverted from him for literally five minutes at the most) but he wants all of my attention all of the time he’s awake. Any thoughts, ideas, or comments? ..."

In "With Spit onMy Face and Love in My Heart", by MomeeZen and "3 Common Preschooler Behaviors and 3 Ways to Deal with Them (While Connecting with Your Child) by Dionna at Code Name: Mama we learn how to put Gentle Discipline to the test in challenging situations and come out on the other end maintaining the connection to our kids and teaching them something along the way (and don't forget you can enter to win Dionna's book! Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes).

And finally, join the discussion with Jennifer at PracticalOHMommy about the things that you find challenging about Gentle Discipline and why all the extra work is so worth it in the end in "The Hardest Part of Gentle Discipline is...".

Enjoy!
[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"]Today we are giving away3 copies of Help Your Child Want to Behave by Dr. Laura Markham!    Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes[/box]

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Dealing with the tough stuff"

Moving Beyond Punishment (or, does "gentle" mean "permissive"?)

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow curved curved-hz-1" align="left" color="yellow"]I'd like to introduce my good friend and our newest author at Parenting Gently, Jennifer.  Jennifer blogs at Practical OH Mommy and is mama to two wonderful daughters.  She is also a professional coach and OAMCer (check out her blog if you don't know what that is!). [/box]Welcome to Carnival Day #3!  Did you check out day 1 and day 2's wonderful posts?  Now that you have a great basis for the principles of gentle parenting let's look at one of the trickier parts of implementation.  Punishment.  Consequences.  Regardless of how mainstream parents talk about it this is the "big scary" thing that many parents worry will make their parenting permissive.  Today's authors talk about this important issue.



If you are new to the world of Gentle Discipline, it's important to know what the real meaning of the word "Discipline" really is. Merriam-Webster gives several definitions for the word discipline. Training that corrects and molds the mental faculties and moral character is the definition that is most in line with the basic concepts of gentle discipline.  Today's posts focus on tools and techniques gentle parents can use to shape and mold our children gently, while still setting limits and boundaries.

In "We Don't Do Discipline", muminsearch describes the 6 foundational elements of the relationship with her children that take the place of punishment.

I remember having a conversation with my husband. He was wondering, "Shouldn't we be doing what other people are doing - discipline our children, set consequences and use time-outs?"

My answer to that was, "We don't need to"

Read more about why punishment and discipline aren't the focus for them.

Paige is also talking about punishment today in Punishment in Perspective where she compares how we treat our children to how we treat our spouses.

In "Gentle Discipline Basics: Teaching Skills", The Hippie Housewife provides a great set of tools that can be modified to all ages and stages of child development.  She reminds us that:

This idea of teaching skills applies throughout childhood. For example:

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  babies can be taught to touch gently rather than hitting,


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  toddlers can be taught how to express and work through their big emotions rather than being sent for a time-out, and


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  children can be taught the skills of conflict resolution and making amends rather than having an arbitrary privilege removed as punishment after an altercation.

In "The Fine Art of Natual Consequences and Logical Consequences", Hybird Rasta Mama breaks down the two main types of consequences that can be used in a gentle household and when each might be appropriate to call on.

Gentle parenting relies on two type of consequences: natural consequences and logical consequences. Natural and logical consequences help children learn responsibility. They also learn how to solve their own problems. With this method, parents can raise children without anger or threats. Children learn what happens when they misbehave and what they should do differently next time.

And finally, tune into PracticalOHmommy to learn how to "Save Time-Outs for the Soccer Field".  She describes the use of various techniques including redirection, validation, and time-ins to teach children problem solving skills that they can carry with them into their grown-up years.

What are some tools in your gentle discipline toolkit that have been effective for you?

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"]You can win one of two copies of Positive Parenting in Action by Rebecca Eanes and Laura Ling.   Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes[/box]

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Moving Beyond Punishment (or, does "gentle" mean "permissive"?)"

Punishment in Perspective

Parenting gently does not come naturally to me.  Yes, I started the site and the carnival but that is passion not ease.  Although I don't consider my parents abusive they did parent punitively and I was spanked.  I struggle often with yelling, controlling, and even wanting to spank.  That is why the invigoration of the carnival is so welcome to me.  I want to share with you one of the techniques I most often use when I need a "gentle" nudge back onto the gentle path.

Imagine your child is your spouse

I've been married to a wonderful man for 13 years.  We fight, we argue, but we love each other very much.  We've even been through dark times due to infertility that almost tore us apart.  We do not blithely float through our marriage.  We actively evaluate and adjust course to keep us on the track to a happy and fulfilling marriage.  I think to say that we try to treat each other gently is an understatement.  We love each other, recognize each other as unique, wonderful, flawed people who we chose to build a strong relationship with.

Imagine defining your relationships with your child that way.  My child is a unique, wonderful, flawed person who I love and choose to build a strong relationship with.

What would this look like and what wouldn't it look like.  Let's look at common parenting practices in this light.

Spanking

Punishment - My husband disobeys me, smarts off, or makes me mad.  I hit him.

Reality - this is called assault or spousal abuse.  It is not ok.  And it doesn't work.  I"m sure it would NOT strengthen our relationship but make him want to go very far away from me.  This is a breach of trust - disrespecting his whole person and body.

Non-punitive -  If my husband hurt my feelings (smarted off) or did something I asked him not to do (disobeyed) I would tell him how I felt and what I thought should happen.  I would say "that hurt my feelings/upset me and I don't feel comfortable with you when you do ____."

Time Out

Punishment - My husband write on my wall with a sharpie.  I ignore him and won't talk to him to show him I'm angry.

Reality - this is called the silent treatment and is really immature and passive aggressive.  It is selfish - it says I'm not happy and I want you to figure it out and fix it and I don't care to hear your side.  My love is contingent on your actions and you aren't getting any (sometimes in that way) until you shape up!

Non-punitive -  Being passive aggressive does not help me get what I need and it erodes the relationship.  What I want is not to have to clean sharpie off the wall and I *do* (or should) care what his reasoning was.  I can respect his point of view (writing on the wall was fun!) AND disagree with his implementation (behavior) and ask for an alternate plan that meets both our needs.

Consequences

Punishment - My husband leaves his socks on the floor so I won't let him watch football.

Reality - I hope this sounds silly to you.  The problem with "consequences" in traditional parenting is that they are arbitrary and don't teach anything.  And even though it does sound weird I do want to teach my husband.  If I've decided that socks is a big issue for me (optional, don't forget) then I need to talk to him about my needs.  Honestly he probably doesn't care about socks as much as me and wasn't trying to spite me when he did it.  He just forgot.  If I can focus on his wonderful qualities and not make a deal out of socks, better yet.  I was on my way to the hamper anyway.

Non-punitive -  What do you want a husband that obeys your every command for fear of you taking away his privileges?  Or do you want the socks in the hamper?  If it really frustrates me: "honey, can you go in the room and pick up your socks, please?"  If it moderately frustrates me: "honey, I picked up your socks.  Can you use the hamper next time?"  Or, just do it and don't say anything.  It is just a sock.

Yelling

Punishment - My husband spills his juice on the floor.  I launch into a tirade about what a slob he is and how he always does this and now he better clean it up.

Reality - Jumping from juice on the floor to a character assassination is a far leap.  How does that make him feel?  Like a failure and like I don't even like him let alone love him right now.  I guarantee when you freak out about a spill it is your emotions spilling over about something else.  You don't feel appreciated for all the cleaning you do?  You wanted him to wait till dinner to have some juice?  Something else.

Non-punitive -  "oh man, I hate it when that happens.  Here's a towel.  Need some help?"  I empathized, offered help and implied that I trust him to clean up his own messes.  In other words he is a strong and capable man.  If you have an underlying emotion then see "time out" above.

The next time you think about punishing your kids stop and think a minute about if you would do the same to your significant other.  Of course there are some differences due to age - like preparing you child for transitions, offering choices, etc. - but when they do something you find "wrong" treat them as a unique, wonderful, flawed person who you love and choose to build a strong relationship with and see what unfolds.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Punishment in Perspective"

Paradigm Shifts in Gentle Parenting

Welcome to day 2 of the carnival!  Take a moment to check out yesterday's wonderful posts.  Today we are continuing to look at some of the basic principles of gentle discipline.  Specifically these posts focused on compassion, cooperation, and empathy three words that are so important in gentle parenting.

First up we have Dr. Laura Markham @AhaParenting.com talking about When Empathy Doesn't "Work".  I know, for me, that empathy seemed too good to be true as a panacea for all my difficult situations.  It just couldn't work as well as people said!  Dr. Laura points out,

When parents begin using gentle guidance, they're often amazed by how well empathy "works" to calm their child. For most people, just having our views and feelings acknowledged makes us feel better, so we're more cooperative. So once parents get past their fear of "agreeing" with their child's "negative emotions" they quickly learn to empathize when their child is having a hard time.

She goes on to talk about some of the concerns parents raise about using empathy.

A lot of her answers are a change of paradigm; of living in harmony and respect with your children.  Our next author Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children talks about this topic of consensual living in One Size Doesn't Fit All.

One of the biggest hang-ups about consensual living I hear from parents is that there is no cut and dry answer. There isn't a pre-set formula which says that the child did X so the parent must do Y. Differing from traditional authoritarian parenting, when an infraction by the child must result in a punishment by the parent, consensual living challenges the parent to observe what happened, communicate with the child, and work with the child to find a solution which is acceptable to all. For those of us who grew up with traditional American dogma concerning the treatment of children, it can be a siwtch in thinking.

A Teachable Mom also looks at this difference from mainstream thoughts on parenting in To me, Gentle Discipline Means...  She shares several great concepts (nurture YOU!) but I really loved this;

Gentle Parenting to me means choices. When I am able to take a deep breath before I respond to my kids, I find I have more choices in how I interact with them. You’d think breathing would be an easy task, given that I’m presumably doing it regularly. You’d be wrong! When something isn’t going my way or is different from my plan, my typical reaction is to control, not breathe; tighten, not soften. When I’m able to remember to breathe, slow down and be gentle with myself, I tend to enjoy family interactions more. I’m guessing my kids do too!

Yesterday Practical OH Mommy talked about her beginnings in gentle parenting.  In today's post she talks about the concepts that rang most true with her in the early days.  I really loved what she had to say about the importance of play in So You're Thinking of Trying a Different Way?;

This is hard for me, because I’m a planner. I know how many things are on my to do list and just how much time there is to do them. And I work 40-50 hours a week outside of the home, want to feed them nutritious meals, keep things neat and tidy, spend quality time with my husband, etc. So, I had to add “playtime” to the top of my to do list every day. Selfishly, I find that when we get in a few good giggles together, it’s not so difficult when I do have to herd out the door, etc. And I can certainly tell by the behavior I get back from my kids if they’ve had their quota of funtime with Mom and Dad that week or not.

Can you relate?

Lastly for today we have Momma On a Mission reminding us that Kids Are People Too!  Her post is one of my favorite ways of getting back on track with gentle parenting - thinking "what would I do with another adult in this situation?"  Usually that makes they way we treat kids seem ridiculous by comparison!

Just put yourself in their shoes, and ask yourself what you could do to help your child make a transition, or to help them accept doing something that's necessary but not particularly pleasant. When you do have to impose something on them, try to remember to empathyze with them and validate their feelings. These principles have gone a long way in helping me build my relationships with my kids, and it feels really good when we work together towards something that we can all be happy about.

I think that Dionna Ford of Code Name: Mama's new book For My Children is a great way to connect with your child in this way.  The book itself is so beautiful with adorable art throughout but more importantly really poignant questions and journaling prompts that go far beyond the average baby book.  For example; "What do you value most about your children?" and "What moments have made you most proud of your child?"  I guarantee this type of reflection will help you remember to have empathy and respect for the unique people your children are.

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"]You can win one of three copies of For My Children by Dionna Ford of Code Name: Mama.   Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes[/box]

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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read more "Paradigm Shifts in Gentle Parenting"

Let the Carnival Begin!

Welcome to the 3rd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!  I'm so excited to start this week of great advice and inspiration for parenting gently.  I really find this week to be a restoritive retreat for those of us parenting in a way that we probably aren't familiar with from our childhoods and which the media is always telling us is a bad idea!  Getting together for this week and talking about gentle ways of parenting really helps me stay on track!  How about you?

If you've been here for the past Carnivals then you know I like to feature a motherhood artist.  This year we got really lucky with the beautiful artwork of Ruth-Mary Smith of Patchwork Family Art (Etsy Shop).  Here art is what led me to her but I found out her family, like mine, was a result of "non-traditional" family building.  Here is her story;

[box type="box" width="620" template="drop-shadow lifted" align="left" color="yellow"]My name is Ruth-Mary Smith. I am based in Sydney Australia. I use watercolours and vintage material to create illustrations that celebrate families.Patchwork Family Art is the name I have chosen for my art biz because of the way my family has been formed. It's a patchwork..

Zoom back in time about 12 years. Dave and I had been planning a family for a long time but had been unable to fall pregnant ( eight years of story here I am zipping through).We decided to adopt our baby and looked into adoption. There was a long process to the time we finally were allocated our precious Jasmin from Taiwan! The story gets more blessed and more complicated but a couple of months after we were first allocated I fell pregnant! Double blessing! It wasn't exactly smooth sailing to bring our Jasmin home. The government department here in Australia were concerned we couldn't love the 2 babies ( unthinkable!!!) but after many tears and prayers we finally flew to Taiwan to collect our baby, then just 12 months old. Kiralee was born 6 weeks later. Life changing....

So we were a happy little family but had the idea that God wasn't finished with us yet... a not complete feeling.... a ' there's someone else out there' feeling. We started looking into fostering with a view to adoption. We went to the seminar, had the social worker visit and filled in the application. We were told the wait would be around 18 months however on the day of approval they asked us "Are you ready to proceed?" So precious number three arrives in our life around 3 weeks later.

So we are our patchwork family. Formed for us in a way we didn't expect, we are very blessed. When choosing the name Patchwork family Art I loved how that it tied together love of family with a suggestion of vintage ( cause I love that too!) I hope you enjoy my art work as I share love of motherhood and family with love of simpler times with you.[/box]

Isn't that a beautiful story?  I think it reminds me how precious this parenting gig is which is really the foundation of gentle parenting.  Before we get started with today's posts there is one other thing we do each year that I need to tell you about.

Giveaways!

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"]This year we have 9 different items to giveaway! That means you have nine chances to win for each entry you submit. One of the prizes is a print from Patchwork Family Art!  Click here to enter to win an art print and other prizes[/box]

Getting Started with Gentle Discipline

Today and tomorrow's posts are all about getting started with gentle parenting.  Maybe you are wondering what gentle parenting is or you already know you like the idea but don't know exactly what it means.  These posts are for you.

First we have Looking for a Better Way by Practical OH Mommy.  She tells us of how she came to gentle parenting a story I bet many of us can relate to!

from Samantha’s perspective, she didn’t really like me and told me that in just about every way she could.  She always preferred to spend time with her Daddy.  I would watch as he gave her undivided attention and played whatever she wanted.  I was jealous and thought if I just didn’t have so many darn things to get done, I could do that too.
At the end of one of the days I had Samantha with me, I sighed and thought what a good day it had been.  I only had to put her in time out 3 times and deal with major tantrums.  And now Daddy was home and they were giggling happily as he was tucking her in.  Something clicked for me and I realized that wasn’t really a good day.  I was tired of being “mean Mommy”.

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"] She goes on to talk about the steps she took to turn it around, including reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish - which we are giving away as part of the Parenting Gently Starter Pack.  Click here to enter to win this book bundle and other prizes![/box]

Our next two posst look at gentle parenting from a Christian perspective.*  Dulce de Leche talks about Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent?

What often gets lost in the focus on spanking, though, is that the Bible has a great deal to teach parents in other passages, too. One of the principles of gentle discipline is that instead of just telling our children what not to do, that we give clear, positive direction of what they should do instead. I believe God does that with His Word.

And I won't spoil the surprise but head on over to see the biblical verses that talk directly about children and parenting.

Second, and similarly, is a post I wrote about nearly the same thing called Spare the Rod?  Does the Bible Promote Spanking?.  The scripture I look at deals less with parenting per se and more with the spirit of compassion impressed upon us by Jesus and how that relates to parenting.

Our next post is from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy and is called Want a Hug?  I really love her post because it is something I struggle with daily.  It is so easy to fall back into the parenting patterns we see all around us, and in my case was parented with.  She challenges some of our assumptions about children which is really the foundation on which gentle parenting is built.

 Before finding people with similar ideals when my son was almost 6 months, I never knew people who wanted to use gentle discipline. I have to work each and every time something comes up to react in a way I can be proud of. I don't often succeed. The point is that I keep trying.

The last post for today is by Amy from Presence Parenting writing for Natural Parents Network and is called 10 Principles of Unconditional Parenting which summarizes the ten principles from Alfie Kohn's seminal book Unconditional Parenting.  His book (which you could win in this week's drawing) talks a lot about they why of unconditional parenting but his ten principles are simple and concise and infinitely implementable ideas.  If you haven't read his book this is a great peak and if you have it is a great reminder.

[box type="box" width="400" template="drop-shadow lifted"  color="magenta"] You can win a copy of the book Unconditional Parenting as part of our grand prize giveaway Parenting Gently Starter Pack.  Click here to enter to win this book bundle and other prizes![/box]

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* Parenting Gently is actively seeking guest posts about gentle parenting and other cultures and religions. Contact us at parentinggently@gmail.com for more information.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting.  We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.  

We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week.  Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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Gentle Discipline: Love, Respect, and Cooperation

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.[/box]First up is Dionna of Code Name Mama‘s follow-up from yesterday’s post about cooperation.  In Working Toward Cooperation she give examples of ways to model cooperation from [amazon_link id="1892005220" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]Respectful Parents Respectful Kids’s[/amazon_link]  7 Keys to Cooperation and give several examples.  This one rang so true for me,

• “I am finishing a blog post, and Kieran asks me to play with him. I tell him “not right now.” Over the next twenty minutes, Kieran and I frustrate each other, because neither of us is willing to budge on what we want to do (I want to finish writing, he wants to play right now).


• Alternative that facilitates cooperation (Keys 2, 6, & 7): There are several ways I can handle this particular scenario (and I’m sure you have something similar in your own life – a work project, a task you need to regularly complete, etc.). Right now I am trying to create a time to do my work when Kieran is otherwise occupied. But in those moments when I really do need to work while Kieran is awake, I’m also using this as a time to encourage independent play. “Kieran, let’s start playing trains together.” When he is fully engrossed in trains, “Mama needs to do about 30 minutes of work. While you play with your trains, I will work in the next room. Where are you going to have your trains go? Who are they carrying?” etc. This is especially important to me, because Kieran has always balked at independent play, and I am going to need him to be more confident in this area when I have a newborn to parent as well.”

This is such and area I need growth in and you can bet I’ll be working these 7 keys into my repertoire soon!

I love Nada’s post at MiniMOMist; Loving Through Tantrums because she paints a picture beautifully.  She also describes so well how tantrums are not always something that we can or should stop.  Sometimes our kids need parented through them with understanding.

• “Gentle discipline in our home conveys love and patience.  It recognizes her opinions and her resistances.  She has the right to say when she is unhappy and wants a change in the situation.  However, when her wants and needs are not in her best interest, we, as the adults and the parents, gently sooth her and explain the situation and why it must take place this way.  We tell her that we have her best interests in heart, and that sometimes that doesn’t mean we let her do what she wants.”

Finally, Natural Parents Network talks about Loving Them Consistently, Just As They Are and the trap of showing love for our kids only when they “behave” or are convenient to us.

• “As parents, it is sometimes easy to fall into the trap of seeing our children as just that: children. It often makes them seem like a “thing,” a possession. With that perspective, as our children grow and become older we get confused when our “thing” won’t behave as we want or be who we want them to be anymore. However, when we see our children as individuals, when we love them consistently for who they are, with their own opinions, perspectives, and reactions to the life they live, we get to experience their joys, frustrations, and in-betweens alongside them. We no longer want to control who they are, but allow who they are to shine through.”

And isn’t that the heart of Love? Respect, patience, cooperation. Unconditionally.

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A Fork in the Road: Turning Points in Gentle Discipline

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.[/box]Today’s posts all had wonderful Aha! moments in them.  Whether realizing what childhood moments shaped your parenting or an in-the-moment realization that your kids are reflecting you, these posts show how we become the parents we want to be.

Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis talks about the Moments of Gentle Discipline Inspiration like this one from her childhood,

• “The earliest one I can think of is I was not even two years old and I was crying, crying, crying. The warning phrase that came was “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” and then the swat on the bum. I don’t remember the spank hurting or having the anger and frustration come over me that I later would feel when being spanked. All I remember was being confused. How had that possibly hurt this person more than it hurt me? My bum was the one that got the swat! Being so young (and yet well within the window of “acceptable spanking age”), I had no idea what had just happened or why. To this day I look back on that, not with bitter feelings, but as a perfect example that children benefit much more from connection and logic than with punishment.”

She shares several more stories that shaped her approach and I particularly like how she learned to change herself and her approach rather than always finding ways to “manage” the child.

BeckyE at Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond had an aha! moment of her own in Mirror Mirror in My Bed,

• “I realized I’d become that mom, the one I’d sworn to never become. Don’t you hate when that happens??I had been short-tempered. I was snappy. I was…well..mouthy, bossy, and aggressive. Of course, I wasn’t growling or biting or hitting anyone, but my tone was aggressive, my anxiety made me moody, grouchy and fatigued. I was barking commands from across the room instead engaging like I should have. AHA!My children weren’t being defiant. They were being me.”

What a wonderful realization that I’ve definitely had myself!  I won’t spoil the ending but read how that realization changed her parenting for the better.

Dulce de leche admits she had always planned to spank her kids until 7 years ago in 7 Year Harvest. Her harvest, she found, was a profound change in herself.

• “When we decided to commit to gentle discipline, I only thought in terms of my children and their behavior.  I had no idea how deeply it would change me.  I have been forced to deal with a lot of things that I would have preferred to cover up.  Things like pride.  Anger.  Unhealthy boundaries.  Self-centeredness.  I have had to do some major weeding in my own heart…Gentle discipline is a lot of work.  It requires intentional parenting.  I have to get off my bum a lot.  This is NOT passively sitting by while floundering children terrorize everyone around.  It takes effort.  I have had to develop a lot of new discipline skills.”

It is one of the hidden benefits of gentle discipline – a peaceful, gentle spirit in the parents.

Our last post today is from Dionna at Code Name Mama (have you see her beautiful new blog design?) talks about The Problem with Expecting Children to “Cooperate”.

• “How often do parents expect kids to respond immediately to their demands? We might even say “I am asking you to cooperate with me to get the house clean (or get ready to leave, etc.).” But the error in this sentence is the word “cooperate.” If we expect kids to respond immediately, we are asking for compliance, not cooperation.”

Dionna gave me a little wake up call when she pointed out that we parents don’t give immediate compliance so why should children?  (I’m embarassed to say this scenario could have been written about my house exactly!)

• “I am finishing a blog post, and Kieran asks me to play with him. I tell him “not right now.” Over the next twenty minutes, Kieran and I frustrate each other, because neither of us is willing to budge on what we want to do (I want to finish writing, he wants to play right now).”

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Practical Tips for Gentle Discipline

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.[/box]I thought we’d start the week off with several authors who have written posts with great real life examples of gentle parenting.  First up is Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog who tells us to Watch Your Language; There are children around!  Last year, Mrs. Green reminded us to use the word YES! more often.  This year she reminds us of a word we should use less: NO!

• “Language is one of our most powerful tools. We can speak words of love or words of hatred. How we speak to our children becomes part of the foundation on which they build their lives. Fill them with loving, positive, empowering words and they have a platform on which to build confidence, self esteem, motivation and self love.”

What we need to do is reframe our language to ask for what we do want instead of what we don’t.

• “TRY THIS: Instead of saying ‘Don’t make a mess’ try ‘let’s tidy your room.’”

Mrs. Green’s post is chock full of specific advice and how to implement it.  This is literally advice you can implement today!  What are you waiting for?

Pearl in Oyster builds on this idea through correcting negative behavior by showing what they *can* do instead of enacting arbitrary consequences and punishment.  In her post, Rubber Meets the Road, she says,

• I don’t believe that punishment (doing something TO C as a negative reinforcement with the purpose of making her hurt or feel bad about what she has done/said with the intention that she might then avoid doing whatever it was again) ever needs to be one of my tools.

Instead she uses playful parenting, scripting, and do overs.

• What I can do at this point is teach her to redirect the aggressive energy she feels into a more socially acceptable channel.

I don’t want to give it away but you have to hear her very practical examples!  She also addresses the difference between time-out and, what I call time-in.  Once again – very applicable techniques you can add to your gentle repertoire today.

The Hippie Housewife continues with her post Gentle Discipline for Toddlers where she shares her top 5 tips for toddlerhood.  Her first tip “Don’t take it too seriously” has invaluable advice for parents struggling with the sometimes frustrating job of parenting toddlers,

• Take a deep breath.  This is just a stage; it will pass.  They shriek because they can’t talk.  They melt down because they don’t know what else to do with these huge feelings.  They persist because they want what they want and don’t yet have the developmental ability to reason much beyond that.  The more worked up you get, the more they feed off of your negative energy, so take that deep breath and stay calm.

Amen!  I know this will be my new mantra to help me center in moments of frustration.  Click over to read her other wonderful tips.

Lastly, Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now talks about an oft puzzling aspect of parenting – the negative effects of praise and rewards – and how Montessori approaches the issue.

• As a matter of fact, telling our children how smart and talented they are can create the opposite of what we want. It can make our children afraid to attempt new things, afraid of failure, afraid to not meet everyone’s expectations. What does the research suggest? When we praise, it’s best for the praise to be related to the effort our children made. For praise to be effective, it also needs to be specific and sincere.

She provides 5 specific tools that Montessorians use to meet this goal that we can all start using.

 

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I hope this first day of the Carnival gave you some practical techniques that will help you practice parenting gently.  If you have questions about specific issues, please submit your Question here!

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It’s All About Feelings: Respecting Emotions and Consensual Living

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.  Submissions due June 18th![/box]First up is Dr. Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting talking about the Missing Link in Gentle Discipline: Emotion.  She offers 10 tools for dealing with emotions in your child.  For example,

• “Remember that little ones can’t differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. (“You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don’t hit, but let’s tell him in words that he isn’t to hurt you.”)”

I love that example because it validates the feeling in the child – something that is difficult to do when aggressive behavior is involved because it triggers such a strong reaction in you as the parent.  Letting the child know that the hitting was a no-no but not the emotion is so important because, as Dr. Markham goes on to say,

• “Anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt, or sadness.  Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions.”

Not only is this an important piece of the gentle parenting puzzle but by modeling this empathy you can raise empathetic children – adults that can understand how others are feeling and respond with compassion.

Melissa at The New Mommy Files talks about A Respectful Approach to Discipline.  Her own experiences with discipline growing up have helped shape how she approaches discipline with her daughter.

• “My own experiences with growing into a somewhat disciplined adult have served to validate my personal views on discipline in parenting. It is my belief that the most important quality of any person who wishes to care for children is an attitude of respect, and I try to cultivate this attitude in myself and apply it in my role as a parent at all times. Because I respect my daughter and trust in her ability to learn from her own experiences, I don’t feel that punishment is necessary. Ditto moralizing, lecturing, and strict rule-setting.”

Instead Melissa sees her role as,

• “Respect[ing] her need tom ess up and giv[ing] her space to do so.  My job is to trust her to take valuable lessons away from her experiences.”

Our final post today is at the Natural Parents Network and it is on Consensual Living.  Consensual living is something I’ve just come to start learning about but, like me, if you are already practicing gentle parenting you’ll find yourself nodding “ah, yes” quite often.  Then again, there are many misconceptions about it!  Like this article from ParentDish that says “these parents almost always give in at the first sign of resistance. You might call a parent like this lazy, but maybe there is more to it than that. Perhaps they are proponents of a new parenting movement called consensual living.” Natural Parents Network defines consensual living with some examples,

• “Consensual living is about living peacefully with each other and working together to find solutions that satisfy everyone involved while still allowing for individual autonomy and dignity…Instead of going into a situation with an adversarial attitude, which can set you up for power struggles and arguments, you go in with the assumption that all parties want to find a solution that makes everyone happy. It is about parenting who your child is now, rather than who you want your child to be.”

The post also talks about child-centered vs. family-centered and offers resources for learning more about consensual living.

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