- “Remember that little ones can’t differentiate between their emotions and their “selves.” Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. (“You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don’t hit, but let’s tell him in words that he isn’t to hurt you.”)”
I love that example because it validates the feeling in the child – something that is difficult to do when aggressive behavior is involved because it triggers such a strong reaction in you as the parent. Letting the child know that the hitting was a no-no but not the emotion is so important because, as Dr. Markham goes on to say,
- “Anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt, or sadness. Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions.”
Not only is this an important piece of the gentle parenting puzzle but by modeling this empathy you can raise empathetic children – adults that can understand how others are feeling and respond with compassion.
Melissa at The New Mommy Files talks about A Respectful Approach to Discipline. Her own experiences with discipline growing up have helped shape how she approaches discipline with her daughter.
- “My own experiences with growing into a somewhat disciplined adult have served to validate my personal views on discipline in parenting. It is my belief that the most important quality of any person who wishes to care for children is an attitude of respect, and I try to cultivate this attitude in myself and apply it in my role as a parent at all times. Because I respect my daughter and trust in her ability to learn from her own experiences, I don’t feel that punishment is necessary. Ditto moralizing, lecturing, and strict rule-setting.”
Instead Melissa sees her role as,
- “Respect[ing] her need tom ess up and giv[ing] her space to do so. My job is to trust her to take valuable lessons away from her experiences.”
Our final post today is at the Natural Parents Network and it is on Consensual Living. Consensual living is something I’ve just come to start learning about but, like me, if you are already practicing gentle parenting you’ll find yourself nodding “ah, yes” quite often. Then again, there are many misconceptions about it! Like this article from ParentDish that says “these parents almost always give in at the first sign of resistance. You might call a parent like this lazy, but maybe there is more to it than that. Perhaps they are proponents of a new parenting movement called consensual living.” Natural Parents Network defines consensual living with some examples,
- “Consensual living is about living peacefully with each other and working together to find solutions that satisfy everyone involved while still allowing for individual autonomy and dignity…Instead of going into a situation with an adversarial attitude, which can set you up for power struggles and arguments, you go in with the assumption that all parties want to find a solution that makes everyone happy. It is about parenting who your child is now, rather than who you want your child to be.”
The post also talks about child-centered vs. family-centered and offers resources for learning more about consensual living.
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