3 Ways To Repsond Rather Than "Buy ALL the Pies"

You may have had this misfortune of hearing this story of a man who bought all the pies at Burger King to punish a child and his mother who was having an emotional breakdown in the line.  Here's the story for background.

So a while ago I had decided to treat myself and go to Burger King. I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, shes still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much. Things immediately go back to the they were and I wait another 5 minutes before getting to the front of the line. It turns out it was so slow because they had 1 trainee on cash during the lunch hour rush. All I can think of is how the people behind me ruined my splurge and gave me this headache. I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

When I posted this to my Facebook page with a comment about how this guy was what was wrong with the world some of the comments I got were along the lines of "this guy rocks! Bad parents deserve this shit!"

Let's set aside for a moment the sexism inherent. Ask yourselves if the man's response would have been the same if it would have been a son and his father. Would he have felt sympathy? Would he maybe have thought it was *still* the mother's fault? Just think on that.

What I want to talk about is the "bad parenting" myth. The idea that children "misbehave" because of poor parenting and that the "problem" (aka the child) would be better off if the parent laid down the law and disciplined the bad behavior.

What is misbehavior? It is kind of an arbitrary term meaning "stuff I don't like". It changes from person to person and from culture to culture. It also is a term only used for children.  Do we say our friends are misbehaving? Do we say our spouses are "disobedient"? You can read more about the meaning of misbehavior here.

Let's turn to the basis of "gentle parenting" and why people think it is permissive. There isn't much in the story about how the mother was interacting with her son but the implication that it was "bad parenting" usually implies she was wrong for not putting her foot down and shutting him up post haste. So, the question is - is a child "misbehaving" BECAUSE his mother isn't cracking the whip?

A child who is having an emotional out burst isn't "misbehaving" or in need of "discipline" ( in the common misuse of the word to mean punishment) anymore than a mentally disabled adult or a Alzheimer's patient is "misbehaving". A child's brain is not developed enough to control lower-brain emotional triggers like it will be when the brain matures (see my explanation of human brain development in this issue of Natural Mother Magazine). 

Parenting gently advocates that CHILDREN ARE HUMAN BEINGS and deserving of the same respect as other human beings. When a child is consumed by emotions they can't control (anger, hunger, exhaustion, etc. and even happiness when some kids bite because they can't handle the excitement) they need guidance (the real meaning of "discipline") on how to appropriately express their feelings and control them. Guidance is not punishment, shame, physical abuse or other negative forms of "good parenting".

Guidance means showing empathy and respect for a fellow human that is struggling. Sometimes it means saying no and setting limits. Sometimes it means no pie. But first and foremost it requires connection between two humans and not a power display from an authority figure.

If you saw a woman with her own mother in her 80s screaming that she refused to eat anything but a pie and was being angry and loud about it would you think "what a bad daughter she is. Why can't she control that bratty woman?"  No, you'd feel sympathy for the mother that couldn't control herself (because being out of control feels scary) and for the woman who was trying so hard to provide a meal for her mentally impaired mother.

Why is one different than the other? Because we have respect for the Alzheimer's patient and zero respect for children. Children are supposed to fit our mold and "act right" despite their immature brains. When children display developmentally appropriate behavior they are misbehaving. When gma displays developmentally appropriate (developmentally declined) behavior it is simply a symptom of her brain development and we can easily continue to treat her as a human.

Of course someone is going to say "but I never acted like that so "good" parenting works". Yes, you can use physical and mental manipulation to have obedient children who do as their told out of either fear of punishment or want of a reward. They aren't patient or caring or sorry people but they act out being those things to avoid pain or gain favor. A child parented with respect will actually learn to BE patient, BE compassionate, and BE sorry because they've had those things modeled for them. Since most people are parented with the goal of obedience they grow up with a stunted sense of compassion for others.

Case in point: the guy who bought the pies could have thought one of these three things;

1. "Wow, that mother has her hands full. How could I help her?" Maybe just eye contact and a sympathetic smile to let her know she's not alone. 
2. "That poor kid really wants a pie he must really be having a hard time dealing with the waiting. I hate waiting too but I have years of experience." 
3. That mom looks really frazzled and embarrassed that her kid is being loud. I should engage the kid to ease her job of raising the next generation of the species. Maybe I'll ask him what kind of pie he wants." A big grown up asking a direct question to a child? Children love this because they know when they are being treated like people - you know, regular people.

Instead he though; "that kid is annoying and it is that woman's fault. What an annoyance to me that I have to be subjected to a human that isn't on my level mentally or with someone daring to have a bad day. I'll show them! I'll buy all the fucking pies and then they'll learn their lesson that they better act the way that conveniences me or they'll get it again."

Yeah, that last guy is making the world a wonderful place. Can you hear the vindictiveness? The self-centeredness? Is this the type of person we want to be? Or, that we want our kids to grow up and be?

If he were a person thinking the first three things or something along those lines then he will reap the benefit of making someone else happy. Maybe he'll make that kid's day by talking to him. Maybe he'll make that mom's day by reminding her that parenting is hard and people appreciate the work she does. Maybe that mom will be calmed enough by a kind word to handle her son's next breakdown with more aplomb and compassion. Maybe she'll pay it forward to another mom one day. Maybe it will spread like wildfire and compassion will be the first thing that pops into people's minds instead of petty backstabbing. Maybe that kid will grow up to control the launch codes and maybe he'll stop and think with compassion instead of judgment and anger when "other people" annoy him (do you see the roots of racism, sexism, and homophobia in "otherness" beliefs?). If more people join him maybe the world could have some peace.

Or we can use our plentiful monetary resources and mental energy to buy a bunch of pies just to shit on a child and his mother trying to eat lunch.

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How Do I Get My Child To Do Something NOW?

 

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Dear Paige,

How do I get my child to do something that has to be done right now? Like get in the car when we have to be somewhere?  This always turns into a fight here.

Help!

Always Late

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Dear Always Late,

I get asked this question a lot!  When you live a life of compromise and mutual consent suddenly needing your child to get in the car LIKE NOW can cause a huge breakdown.  Here's what I would do:

First, have you planned enough time to get ready and be on time? I think sometimes we feel that kids should get ready on our schedule.  We can want this to be true until we're blue in the face but the reality is it just takes longer to get ready with kids.  So, think again, could this problem be solved by leaving more time to not be rushed?

How much time would you leave if you were taking your grandmother with dementia to a doctor appt? Would you expect her to be on your timetable?  Would you scream and yell for her to hurry? Probably not.

Next, is there a reason behind your child's reluctance to get in the car?  They might just be a slow poke or there might be an underlying reason like fear of the destination, hunger, anger/sadness about missing Super Why! or something like that.  Taking the time to check in with your child's feelings creates a connection that makes the next part more palatable.

Lastly, it is important sometimes to GET IN THE CAR! If grandma needs to see the doctor it is going to happen even if she doesn't want to, right? (Sometimes? Maybe not. When you are doing something to someone that they are literally kicking and screaming about always take a moment to question the necessity: is this task worth the disconnection that force is creating?)

When getting in the car is mandatory follow these steps:  Plan, Prep, Present.

Plan - Do you have a snack/lovey/drink/pillow/other item whose absence could cause a meltdown? Do your kids know where they're going and where they're going after that? Is there something fun there? "We're going to the doctor and then to the library."

Prep - Talk about when you're leaving early and often.  "When the big hand is on the 3" or "After Syd the Science Kid" or "5 more minutes."  And then keep it up.  Kids have difficulty with transitions so make sure they know it is coming.  I also think it is important to do this with TRUST.  Saying "5 more minutes and then we are leaving so you better get your shoes on" in a snarky tone creates disconnection.  Saying "5 more minutes of Candyland and then you need to put your shoes on" said in a happy, or at least neutral, voice makes a world of difference.  Kids don't become responsible to make us happy they become responsible because we show faith that they will.

Present - Give options.  I'm not usually a fan of lose-lose options like "eat your dinner or starve" - that's not really a choice!  But, when it is really important I do say things like "Do you want to climb up in your seat or do you want me to lift you?" (happy or neutral not as a threat!) or "Do you want to walk or skip to the car?" works with little kids who will be happy to try skipping.

Presenting options shouldn't be a reason to use threats but should be an authentic chance for them to make some decision in the process.  Keeping this interaction authentic and not threatening keeps the connection strong.

With a little forethought you can turn car trips into a smooth transition and maintain connection with your kids.

~Paige

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Practical Tips for Gentle Discipline

[box type="box" width="600" template="drop-shadow perspective" align="left" color="yellow"]This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.[/box]I thought we’d start the week off with several authors who have written posts with great real life examples of gentle parenting.  First up is Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog who tells us to Watch Your Language; There are children around!  Last year, Mrs. Green reminded us to use the word YES! more often.  This year she reminds us of a word we should use less: NO!

• “Language is one of our most powerful tools. We can speak words of love or words of hatred. How we speak to our children becomes part of the foundation on which they build their lives. Fill them with loving, positive, empowering words and they have a platform on which to build confidence, self esteem, motivation and self love.”

What we need to do is reframe our language to ask for what we do want instead of what we don’t.

• “TRY THIS: Instead of saying ‘Don’t make a mess’ try ‘let’s tidy your room.’”

Mrs. Green’s post is chock full of specific advice and how to implement it.  This is literally advice you can implement today!  What are you waiting for?

Pearl in Oyster builds on this idea through correcting negative behavior by showing what they *can* do instead of enacting arbitrary consequences and punishment.  In her post, Rubber Meets the Road, she says,

• I don’t believe that punishment (doing something TO C as a negative reinforcement with the purpose of making her hurt or feel bad about what she has done/said with the intention that she might then avoid doing whatever it was again) ever needs to be one of my tools.

Instead she uses playful parenting, scripting, and do overs.

• What I can do at this point is teach her to redirect the aggressive energy she feels into a more socially acceptable channel.

I don’t want to give it away but you have to hear her very practical examples!  She also addresses the difference between time-out and, what I call time-in.  Once again – very applicable techniques you can add to your gentle repertoire today.

The Hippie Housewife continues with her post Gentle Discipline for Toddlers where she shares her top 5 tips for toddlerhood.  Her first tip “Don’t take it too seriously” has invaluable advice for parents struggling with the sometimes frustrating job of parenting toddlers,

• Take a deep breath.  This is just a stage; it will pass.  They shriek because they can’t talk.  They melt down because they don’t know what else to do with these huge feelings.  They persist because they want what they want and don’t yet have the developmental ability to reason much beyond that.  The more worked up you get, the more they feed off of your negative energy, so take that deep breath and stay calm.

Amen!  I know this will be my new mantra to help me center in moments of frustration.  Click over to read her other wonderful tips.

Lastly, Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now talks about an oft puzzling aspect of parenting – the negative effects of praise and rewards – and how Montessori approaches the issue.

• As a matter of fact, telling our children how smart and talented they are can create the opposite of what we want. It can make our children afraid to attempt new things, afraid of failure, afraid to not meet everyone’s expectations. What does the research suggest? When we praise, it’s best for the praise to be related to the effort our children made. For praise to be effective, it also needs to be specific and sincere.

She provides 5 specific tools that Montessorians use to meet this goal that we can all start using.

 

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I hope this first day of the Carnival gave you some practical techniques that will help you practice parenting gently.  If you have questions about specific issues, please submit your Question here!

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How do you get your toddler to listen?

I am really struggling with my elder daughter in terms of disobedience at the moment. I do know that she is struggling because she doesn't get as much attention as she used to, since her sister (who is very high need) arrived 7 months ago. I try to give her special time on her own with me as much as possible, and try to do things together with her, like baking cookies etc, with her sister in the baby carrier. Nothing seems to change the rampant disobedience. I can deal with the floor or furniture getting scribbled on - it's frustrating, but I can handle it. What is really perturbing me are the safety issues. She will do her best to pull her hand out of mine crossing the street or in a car park; running up the driveway to the road; trying to go outside by herself, or into the garage ( which is a real concern as we get snakes in our garage during the summer, and our landscaper recently found a large copperhead a few yards from our garage. I try getting down to her level, looking her in the eye and explaining why I don't want her to do these things. I empathise, but what usually happens is she kicks and fights and then runs away or will block her ears and shout at me to "stop saying that". She will repeat the exact same thing that I have just explained to her that I don't want her to do for x or y reason, the minute I have finished explaining why. And, depending on how many times we have done the same cycle that day, eventually I sometimes put her in time out because I just don't know what else to do, even though I don't think it is effective parenting. Some suggestions would be really appreciated

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Recent wild tantrums

Hi, I am new here so I hope this question hasn't been asked a million times already. I have twin two year olds and recently one of them has been having awful tantrums for no reason I can figure out. I know he knows what's wrong, he just can't communicate it to me. I'm just not sure how to handle the tantrums--do I just let him flail on the floor wildly, rolling about and flopping all av the room? He won't let me hold him, or if he does he still screams and flails around like a floppy fish. He also likes to bang his head against the wall and sometimes he even head butts me! I'm just not sure what to do. I consider myself an attached parent and use gentle/positive discipline and I try to learn more everyday as none of my family or friends around me really parent this way. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks!!

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