How Do I Get My Child To Do Something NOW?

 

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Dear Paige,

How do I get my child to do something that has to be done right now? Like get in the car when we have to be somewhere?  This always turns into a fight here.

Help!

Always Late

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Dear Always Late,

I get asked this question a lot!  When you live a life of compromise and mutual consent suddenly needing your child to get in the car LIKE NOW can cause a huge breakdown.  Here's what I would do:

First, have you planned enough time to get ready and be on time? I think sometimes we feel that kids should get ready on our schedule.  We can want this to be true until we're blue in the face but the reality is it just takes longer to get ready with kids.  So, think again, could this problem be solved by leaving more time to not be rushed?

How much time would you leave if you were taking your grandmother with dementia to a doctor appt? Would you expect her to be on your timetable?  Would you scream and yell for her to hurry? Probably not.

Next, is there a reason behind your child's reluctance to get in the car?  They might just be a slow poke or there might be an underlying reason like fear of the destination, hunger, anger/sadness about missing Super Why! or something like that.  Taking the time to check in with your child's feelings creates a connection that makes the next part more palatable.

Lastly, it is important sometimes to GET IN THE CAR! If grandma needs to see the doctor it is going to happen even if she doesn't want to, right? (Sometimes? Maybe not. When you are doing something to someone that they are literally kicking and screaming about always take a moment to question the necessity: is this task worth the disconnection that force is creating?)

When getting in the car is mandatory follow these steps:  Plan, Prep, Present.

Plan - Do you have a snack/lovey/drink/pillow/other item whose absence could cause a meltdown? Do your kids know where they're going and where they're going after that? Is there something fun there? "We're going to the doctor and then to the library."

Prep - Talk about when you're leaving early and often.  "When the big hand is on the 3" or "After Syd the Science Kid" or "5 more minutes."  And then keep it up.  Kids have difficulty with transitions so make sure they know it is coming.  I also think it is important to do this with TRUST.  Saying "5 more minutes and then we are leaving so you better get your shoes on" in a snarky tone creates disconnection.  Saying "5 more minutes of Candyland and then you need to put your shoes on" said in a happy, or at least neutral, voice makes a world of difference.  Kids don't become responsible to make us happy they become responsible because we show faith that they will.

Present - Give options.  I'm not usually a fan of lose-lose options like "eat your dinner or starve" - that's not really a choice!  But, when it is really important I do say things like "Do you want to climb up in your seat or do you want me to lift you?" (happy or neutral not as a threat!) or "Do you want to walk or skip to the car?" works with little kids who will be happy to try skipping.

Presenting options shouldn't be a reason to use threats but should be an authentic chance for them to make some decision in the process.  Keeping this interaction authentic and not threatening keeps the connection strong.

With a little forethought you can turn car trips into a smooth transition and maintain connection with your kids.

~Paige

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