What's Wrong with Time Outs?

Dear Paige,

I've heard you say you practice time "in" and not time "out". I don't understand the difference and since I stopped spanking time out is my only tool!

In and Out.

Dear In and Out,

Congratulations on making the decision to stop spanking! I think you'll be so happy you did!  Know that no one jumps from spanking to zen in one day (or one year).  There are stages so don't discouraged if you aren't where you expected to be.

Time Outs suffer from an image issue.  I honestly like the term "time out" since I think ALL humans need time outs!  I need to retreat and calm down and regroup and sometimes I need to help my kids do the same.  When I'm helping my kids calm down I often use the words "let's take a time out and calm down."

The problem is that Time Out is used in punishment-based parenting advice in a much different way.  For example, Jo Frost of Supernanny fame uses a version of time out that she calls 'The Naughty Step."  She describes it thusly,

1.  If she misbehaves, immediately put her on the Naughty Step. Explain clearly why she is there and how long she must stay there (one minute per year of her age). 


2. If she comes off the Naughty Step, put her back on using gentle but firm movements and keep putting her back onto the step until she realises that you’re committed to keeping her there for the agreed set time. 


3. Once your child has completed the agreed set time on the Naughty Step, crouch down so you’re on the same level, use a low and authoritative tone of voice, and explain why you put her there. Ask her to apologise, and when she does, praise her warmly with a kiss and a cuddle. Say ‘thank you’, go back to what you were doing and forget about the incident. 


4. If your child refuses to apologise (or does something like shouts ‘sorry’ in a way which makes you think she probably doesn’t mean it!), continue this technique until she realises that you need a proper apology. But don’t forget the kiss and cuddle at the end!

It doesn't sound that bad but if you've seen her show you know that step 2 is the real crux.  During this time if the child continually refuses to stay on the step the parent is supposed to firmly, and without any interaction (eye contact, talking, etc.) sit them back on the "naughty step."  Finally, it ends with kisses and cuddles only AFTER the child had completely acquiesced to the parent's demands.

Because this form of time out is exactly the opposite of gentle, non-punitive, connection-based parenting it is sometimes easier to call our version time in.  Confusing for sure!  Here's a breakdown of the two methods:

Time Out	Time In
An out of control child needs to be removed from the situation to stop the behavior	An out of control child needs to be removed from the situation to hlep him regulate his emotions
Parent displays calm displeasure	Parent displays calm empathy
Child is isolated by himself	Child gets one-on-one time with parent to discuss issue
Parent tells child why they are in trouble	Parent listens to child's concerns with empathy
Child forced to apologize	Child listened to and given alternative strategies
Parent returns affection only after apology	Parent never relents on unconditional affection

In the end the "Time Out" child has learned that his parent's approval/affection is based on his behavior. This may lead to an end to the behavior but hasn't taught anything about dealing with the problem in the future.

Meanwhile, the "Time In" child has learned that his parent's approval/affection is completely unconditional. His behavior may need modified but this doesn't label him as bad (the whole point of the "naughty step" which you can actually buy to use in your house). He may slip many times in this behavior but he is learning new skills to help him regulate his emotions in a more positive way.

Semantics? Yes. The words we use for this process aren't as important as our intent.

The great thing is, when you begin to use this, you'll see wonderful changes. My daughter will sometimes tell me "I need a time out because I'm upset." And what does she mean? It is clear when she curls up on my lap and hugs me.