5 Reasons My Kids Watch As Much TV As They Want

The parenting web-sphere is often full of lamentations about kids watching too much TV or having too much "screen time" (a term meant to encompass TV, computers, tablets, phones, game systems, et. al.). Dire warnings about four hours of TV a day leading to reduced grades in school and of course will make them "obese zombies."

I wish I was making that up but those are the words this author uses. She also says, "But I don't let them [watch TV] because I love them." Wow. Hear that? If your kids watch TV you must not love them.

Unfortunately, TV has become the new litmus against which we can feel superior to other parents. "My kids are screen free," is an actual thing said between mothers (or worse, a shocked, "you let your kids watch TV??"). 

Meanwhile, my kids have their own TV in their playroom (not their bedroom - one of my few limits is that we don't fall asleep to TV.), access to Xbox and Wii, a tablet, and a phone. They choose when they use these devices and what they watch on them. 

Balancing the fearmongering in a way that lets you make the best decision for your family is difficult amongst the sanctimony and conflated-and-flawed research. The amount of screen time that is optimal for your family is something only you can decide.

I don't want to convince you to do it my way. I want to propose some decisions-making points you may not have thought of. Here's how I decided.

1. I love Computers and TV 

For me the place to start deciding how I feel about my kids and screen time is how I feel about myself and screen time. If you hate the internet and all TV and don't enjoy it at all then you probably won't make TV part of your life. Computers, particularly social media, was a huge part of my profession as a librarian. I taught classes on using Facebook and Twitter in science when I worked at NASA. The same sites also play a huge role in my social justice work today.

Do we really think that screens are a "waste of time" or "rots brains"? I sure don't. I've written before about how I love Facebook. Having information and personal connection at my fingertips is valuable to me and to the world, in my opinion. There are plenty of people who spend 8 hours a day in front of a screen and they aren't lesser people, right?

How do you know your child isn't a budding screenplay witter, director, game designer, or social media expert? How can you think that screen time is rotting their brains or a waste of time?

2. My kids aren't in school all day

This is a huge difference for me. Most of the studies are of children who go to modern schools. They spend 8 hours a day with very regimented and adult-directed activities. It doesn't surprise me at all that these kids want the mindless release of TV time after "working" all day at school.

My kids have TONS of unstructured and self-directed play and exploration every day. They have the choice to sit in front of a screen all day but they don't. My theory is that schooled kids habituate to unidirectional information flow. They are receptacles for learning all day so when they have free time they are either too exhausted or have simply lost the initiative to do something else. 

If my kids were in school I might feel they needed prodded out of reception mode and into transformative mode of learning.

3. My kids aren't inside all day.

I could have called this "my kids aren't in school all day part two" because this reason also stems from the fact that we don't school. One of the "dire consequences" of screen time that is always touted is childhood obesity.

Childhood obesity is complete bullshit. Beyond that studies on kids and screen time often conflate screen time with obesity without explaining that this correlation is not causation (don't they love to say that when it is about vaccines though?). The problem with too much screen time isn't the evil of the screen but the absence of what kids would be doing instead of sitting in front of a screen.

Once again let's do the math: 8 hours of school + homework + 3 hours (national average) of screen time = hardly any time for anything else. That means that besides the short recess (that schools are always shortening or eliminating) and physical education (ditto), kids are trapped in doors doing "work" nearly ALL DAY LONG. Of course they want to unwind the way the rest of the humans around them unwind: TV, games, social media.

My kids have a 12 hour day with nearly zero demands on their time. Besides eating and outing days where we go to the library or grocery shopping, my kids have seemingly infinite choice in how they spend their day. And, most often, if the weather is at all cooperating, we spend the bulk of our day outside.

4. We deeply engage in life - including screen time. 

When my kids were younger all their TV viewing was with me. We talked about what we saw and learned. Now this is a habit. I don't have to be watching with them constantly because they come and tell me what they learned or ask questions about something they saw. 

In this way my kids don't conceive of TV as "down time" or "empty learning calories". They see TV as a simple tool. Just like their blocks/bikes/dolls. TV is a tool and they use it about as much as they do other tools (how many hours a day do your kids play kitchen? Would you be worried if it were "too much"?)

They also see me and their Aunt Mandi and Daddy live fully outside of the TV too. We watch TV, we spend time on Facebook. We also spend time in the garden, and kitchen, and painting, and singing, and dancing. We Live. We model for them balanced use of screen and non-screen time. If your kids plop in front of the TV after school ask yourself, "do I plop myself in front of the TV after work?" I don't ask that like it is a character flaw or something to be ashamed of. My point is don't have a double standard. Don't ask your kids to limit their choices in entertainment when you don't limit yours the same way. 

Most importantly: If you want to limit screen time, limit it as a family, consensually, not as a special discrimination against people under the age of 15.

I've previously said that limiting screen time is an important part of unschooling. I don't mean that in the sense of forcing arbitrary limits on kids. I meant that we parents need to limit our screen time so we give our kids an example of a balanced life.

5. I have Advertising Free (or advertising light) screens. 

My view seems dangerously laizze faire to mainstream parents who gauge their parenting "goodness" by how much they limit their kids' choices. However, I am downright militant about commercial free screen time.

My kids have unlimited access to so much digital material and I want them to make those decisions for themselves. In order to do that in a way that doesn't also indoctrinate them into consumer culture, I only have commercial-free programming available. Thank the goddess for Netflix and Amazon Prime! (As a side note I think the adults have benefited greatly from commercial-free TV as well. The only commercial TV we currently watch is The Americans on FX and seeing the sexism and classism used to sell products is startling if you've been away from it for a while.)

My kids recently got obsessed with those YouTube videos where people open tiny toys. You know which ones I mean? Honestly they make me ill. They are so material, ya know? This gave me a great opportunity to talk about consumerism and the desire to collect stuff that is endemic in our culture. 

But what do they do all day?

Right now I'm writing on my laptop. It is cold outside so we are all inside (boo, April in Ohio). The TV in the living room (where I am) is playing Guardians of the Galaxy because I love the soundtrack and like noise in the background. The kids usually run in for the dance scenes (you know the "it's a dance off you big turd blossom") and run back to what they were doing.

Aellyn is watching cat videos on one of our phones. Boston is building a plane with bristle blocks. Asher is combing his new My Little Pony's hair and pretending to give her a bath. 

At about 10AM when I'm fully awake (I'm unashamedly NOT a morning person so even though I get up at 6 I do "screen time" myself until a much more humane hour like 10) I go start dinner, do dishes, take care of the seedlings we are sprouting, and do laundry. I play music while I do this and the kids tend to hover near me. Sometimes they help. Sometimes they play near me. Sometimes they are off building a fort out of pillows or being animal explorers (thanks Wild Kratz!). Often we have awesome conversations about everything from why kitty liter clumps to what happens when we die. 

They decide. There are very little demands on what they can do and when. As a result the ideas of "work" and "play" bleed together and my kids don't crave TV any more than they crave riding their bikes. Both options are equally available and equally valid. Without externally imposed judgments about how they *should* be spending their time they actually balance their activities in a healthy way.

That's really what consensual parenting (sometimes called radical unschooling) is all about. I trust that, if I give them the benefit of my faith in them, my kids will naturally have a life of balance. Humans are animals and they want to thrive. We thrive in balance and when we are out of balance we have dis-ease - mental and physical. 

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Unschooling Demystified: 5 Facts For the Homeschool Savvy

This article was originally published in Natural Mother Magazine, a free bi-monthly publication for parents. Check it out here.

The conversation began in a benign enough way,

“Will she start kindergarten in the fall?” My new neighbor inquired.

“Yes, she is five and would start kindergarten this fall, but we homeschool.” This question is often asked to gauge age since our culture uses school grade as a shorthand for age. I cross my fingers for an “oh, that’s nice,” and moving on to another topic.

No such luck.

“Oh, my mother’s cousin's neighbor’s dog’s breeder’s daughter homeschools. What curriculum do you use?”

Oh, boy. I gird my loins hoping this doesn’t end badly. “We don’t use a curriculum. We are unschoolers.”

Her face drops and her eyes dart between my chin (she’s no longer looking me in the eye) and my kids with a look of sympathy bordering on pity in her eyes. She quickly finds she has other things to do and scurries away. I wonder how quickly this news will spread around our new neighborhood.

You see, more often than not, when I say “unschool” people hear something else. Neglect. Abuse. Lazy. Stupid. They look at my kids with sympathy because they believe they will never amount to anything as a result of my “weird” choices.

The worst part is that the reactions are from people who understand and at least accept homeschooling as a valid option. If you haven’t heard the word unschool then I have a chance to tell you about it without preconceptions. But, it seems, if you have heard of the word then it is already so laden with misconceptions that I never stand a chance to explain otherwise.

I’ve had homeschooling groups tell me, “we don’t allow unschoolers.” Most are more subtle, requiring on their application that you provide the name of the curriculum you use. Membership in the Home School Legal Defense Fund (a large lobbying group in the US) requires you to sign that you use, “a clearly organized program of education to instruct [your] children.”

Why all the fear?

The right to educate your children at home has been hard won in many states. Being a “responsible” homeschooler is very important and homeschool groups want to protect their status as a socially acceptable alternative to traditional schooling. Proving educational excellence is a big part of the homeschool movement’s success at changing public opinion. Seeing homeschooled kids get into Harvard and go on to successful careers has been a positive influence on the public perception of homeschooling.

Unschooling, that amorphous philosophy without a curriculum, seems way too counter culture to the suddenly kinda-mainstream idea of homeschooling. I had a homeschool group leader tell me that homeschoolers have way more in common with traditional school than they do with unschoolers.

I disagree! Unschooling is a type of homeschooling and we share the same goals and difficulties that other homeschoolers face (Socialization? check. Prom? check. Sports? check.). We too made the decision to forgo traditional school because we want the best education possible for our kids.

Homeschoolers don’t need to be afraid that we are setting the movement back or will reflect poorly on other homeschoolers. Unschooling is perfectly legal in the US and has a rich history. The term “unschooling” may be new (coined by John Holt’s publication, Growing Without Schooling, in the 1970s) but the concept of self-directed learning (called autodidacticism) was famously practiced by the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, and Frederick Douglas (to name a few).

Here are 5 facts about unschooling specifically designed for the homeschool savvy. I hope it shows what we all have in common and demystifies some of the seeming amorphousness of unschooling.

1. Everyone Unschools.

When I post on FB something I’m doing with my kids and tag it #unschool, I invariable get a slew of, “well, I do that too!”  These pleas sound almost defensive but really, that is my whole point. Unschooling is as natural as breathing and all parents do it - homeschooled and public schooled.

If you homeschool with a curriculum and your daughter skins her knee and starts asking about what a scab is, do you say “no! we are talking about the digestive system this week!” No. One of the best things about the one-on-one (or one-on-five) nature of homeschooling is taking the time to share your child’s natural wonder with learning new things. Most of us (and traditionally schooling parents too) would jump on Youtube and see if you can find a fascinating video about scabs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrmFIXBXikk).

As an unschooler, the major difference is I wouldn’t stop there. I’d toss out the curriculum about the digestive system and really, really get into this curiosity my kid expressed. A trip to the library for books about the immune system. A look at my kid’s own gross scab under a microscope. Maybe a subscription to Brain Pop to view their cute videos about blood (http://www.brainpop.com/health/bodysystems/blood/preview.weml). Does her interest move towards healthcare or towards cell biology? Do her eyes light up about the immune system, circulatory system, or skin system? Is she a natural documentarian that can photograph and collect data on her scab over time (changes in color/size)?

2. Unschoolers use the same resources you do.

I once bought my daughter a pre-math skills workbook. When I told people this I got lambasted for “not unschooling” because I bought a - gasp!- school book.  

Unschooling isn’t about avoiding traditional learning methods at all costs. Unschooling suffers from a confusing name. I’ve never liked that it uses “un” which denotes being anti-something. Unschooling is definitely NOT about being anti-school. Unschooling is all about being PRO natural learning. We think that “school” is not a very good way to learn because learning is best when it is sparked by natural curiosity. We believe that mandatory, teacher-dictated learning is the killer of natural curiosity.

None of that means we are against “teaching” or traditional teaching methods. I use a lot of Montessori manipulatives with my kids because they are fun! My daughter absolutely loved her math workbook because she found it fun. If she wanted to take a class to learn more about something I would happily encourage her.

3. Unschooling parents are not “hands-off”

Sometimes people confuse “child-led” with “parent-absent.” Nothing could be further from the truth! Unschooling isn’t the easy way simply because there is no curriculum. A curriculum tells you what to teach and how to teach it. It also gives you assurance that your child is learning approximately the same things as a public schooler.

As an unschooler, I will set the tone for how learning looks in my home and being a voracious learner is one of the best ways. I model using my curiosity as a springboard for learning. The way I approach my own hobbies will show my kids the plethora of resources that exist and the drive to seek out answers to my questions.

I have to be hyper-vigilant to notice my child’s interests and find suitable ways to feed their curiosity. Instead of directing my child’s learning I act as a provocateur, asking questions that both encourage and stretch my child’s perceptions of the world. In order to do this I often have to share in my child’s interests. I know many unschooling parents who have taught themselves minecraft or pokemon in order to be better able to engage with their child’s learning.

4. Unschooling parents are not rocket scientists.

The corollary to #3, that unschool parents are hands off, is that unschool parents are geniuses and thus it works “for them.”

Unschooling, in my opinion, can actually be hindered by the super-smart parent who knows all the answers. Unschooling is all about following your own curiosity and how to find answers to your questions. If a child asks about a scab and you happen to be a dermatologist and tell them all the answers, you really haven’t helped them become expert learners.

As an unschool mom my best phrase is “I don’t know. Let’s find out!” I happen to have way too many college degrees to my name so people often say, “oh, I can see how unschooling would work for you but most people couldn’t do it.” Our society has come to believe that learning is a transaction where an expert (teacher) gives knowledge to a novice (learner). Unschooling believes that giving knowledge is not learning. Discovering knowledge for yourself is true learning. Being an excellent unschool parent isn’t about being a teacher as much as it is about being a detective - you can be a high school graduate (or not) and help your child learn theoretical physics through encouragement and resource-sleuthing.

5. Unschoolers have a different path to the same point.

Homeschoolers sometimes point to studies that show unschoolers are not on par with their traditionally homeschooled peers as proof of unschooling’s failure.

It is true. Homeschoolers who use a curriculum will be more easily compared to their public schooled peers. They learn much of the same things on the same timetable as traditional school. Unschooling is different enough that it makes comparison impossible.

One of the tenants of unschooling is that children learn best when they are ready. This means my 8 year old might not know how to read yet. In public school this would be considered a big failure and reason for remediation. As an unschooler it means to me that he or she has been busily working on other skills and will get to reading when they’re ready.

This is how we talk about toddlers learning to talk and walk. If a child is “behind” in walking we point to how advanced their verbal skills are and vice versa. We rarely worry that they’ll never learn to walk. The same applies to reading, writing, and arithmetic. We don’t worry they’ll never learn because we know that eventually their curiosity will come to a point where learning those things becomes necessary to satisfy them.

In the meantime, my child won’t compare well to yours. That doesn’t mean he is stupid or that unschooling is disadvantageous to him. Children who read “late,” but when they are ready, often pick it up quite quickly and end up right on par with their age-peers within a year.

Let me tell you, as an unschooler this is the hardest part. We see our children learning everyday and feel confident in our path. Then we see an age-peer doing things our child doesn’t do yet and it is hard. I’m not immune to worry about my child’s progress and it can be scary and fill me with self doubt. I have to remind myself that the goal of my education for my children is not to have competitive 10 year olds. My goal is to have well rounded adults. The path of the tortoise and the hare might be different but they all end up at the finish line!

Unschoolers are not neglectful, lazy, or a bad influence on the homeschool movement. We are conscientious parents who, like you, are trying to provide the best education for our kids.

read more "Unschooling Demystified: 5 Facts For the Homeschool Savvy"

Answering Questions about GNP

I often field questions from students persuing psychology or child development degrees about Gender Neutral Parenting. I'm happy to do this! I wanted to share this recent Q&A I did from a Brazilian PhD student.

1. Can you conceptualize what is Gender Neutral Parenting?

Gender Neutral Parenting (GNP) is a parenting philosophy that seeks to raise kids without the strict cultural rules that come with gender. The goal is not to create gender neutral children but for children to be able to find their own comfort-spot on the continuum on gender expression without the external pressures associated with the gender binary. For example, allowing boys the freedom to explore play with dolls or dressing up as a princess or allowing girls to explore traditionally male roles. The basis behind the philosophy is that the concept of gender is a cultural construct - that is, it is only minimally innate from our DNA but largely a conditioned response taught by our environment. This false dicotomy of "girl" things and "boy" things forces people to identify with their gender in a negative way. E.g. being "male" is more about NOT doing "girl" things than about a natural expression of personal masculinity. The benefits of GNP are both personal - a child has freedom to explore their own gender identity without shame - and societal - children learn that gender can be fluid and a person's value is not defined by their gender expression. This makes the world a safer place for gender non-conforming individuals, trans* individuals, and others by breaking down the barriers that gender expression rules creates.

2. What is the best and the worse about GNP?

The hardest thing about GNP is the misconceptions that exist. It is often mis-understood to be about gender neutral children instead of gender neutral parenting. Since GNP is about providing freedom for gender exploration that means that forbidding a gender-conforming activity is just as damaging as forbidding a gender non-conforming activity. So, for example, traditional parenting says to discourage your girls from getting dirty playing ball - GNP would reject this and allow the child to do what they enjoy. At the same time if a girl wants to wear princess dresses and play with dolls that would also not be discouraged, allowing the child to do what they enjoy without shame. 

For me the best part of GNP is that it will make the world a more tolerant place. Much talk about GNP centers around trans* kids or gender non-conforming kids (previously "tomboys" and "sissy boys") and, of course, GNP will help these children immeseaurably.  The vast majority of kids, however, will naturally align with socially-approved gender roles and gender advocacy often forgets these kids. GNP benefits kids that are gender-conforming as much as gender non-conforming because they learn that gender is their choice and not a strict rule system imposed on them. As a result they grow up with greater tolerance for gender variances and thereby reduced sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and general intolerance for differences amongst people. In this way, I feel GNP is less about gender and more about creating a more diverse and tolerant world.

3. Will GNP make my children gay? 

Many organizations, such as Focus on the Family, specifically conflate gender-bending behavior in children as “signs of pre-homosexuality” and recommend interventions to promote “gender-proper” behaviors.

Reality: Most ongoing research points to a strong genetic component to homosexuality. Therefore, being gay is not something a parent can “train” a child to be. Even children raised by lesbian mothers or gay fathers aren’t more likely to be gay themselves.  A child’s sexual orientation will be what it will be. Nothing a parent does will change that.

GNP will not influence their final sexual preferences but it can have a profound effect on how traumatizing their upbringing is. A child with the freedom to choose their own comfort level on the gender spectrum and the sexuality spectrum will be less likely to be crushed under parental expectations that conflict with their inner life.

The whole point of GNP is that sex – e.g. the assignment at birth based on external genitalia – should not dictate “allowable” behaviors. If you like pink tutus, you should be able to like them with acceptance regardless of your sex.

According to TransActive, 85% of gender nonconforming children/youth are cisgender and identify as heterosexual in adulthood. So, you heard it here. Johnny (or Beckett) wearing nail polish will not make him gay.

4. Brazilian culture sexualize boys and girls since early years (pop culture, dressing, dirty words and behavior). How do you think GNP can help this kind of culture?

By not enforcing these rules in the kids' environment parents can expand the view of gender they get from the outside world. However, we can't and wouldn't want to shelter kids from the realities of sexism in our society. As kids get older GNP helps parents navigate the difficult conversations that arise around sexualization and sexism in media. The goal isn't to shelter kids from reality but help them learn to be savvy consumers of media that question the sexist status quo and formulate their own ideas through critical thinking. One of the worries people sometimes express about GNP is that kids will grow up and be awkward adults because they won't fit in with others in their own gender. I say GOOD! GNP raises adults that say "why can't I like ___ just because I'm a girl/boy" instead of "I better pretend to like ___ so everyone will think I'm normal." As more people stop conforming to the rules then our media will follow suit (slowly of course) and the next generation will have a wider view of gender in which to live and so on with each subsequent generation.

5. What is the difference between the GNP created by feminists in 1970, and the GNP new version, that ''hits'' 2012? 

In the early 1970 there was a brief time when androgyny was seen as desirable. This stemmed from early research about the cultural influence of gender. It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate. When science first recognized that nurture (i.e. the environment) played a much larger role than previously suspected some took that to its extreme to mean that without the environmental influence there would be no gender. In subsequent years science has found that gender, as with much of human development, is an intricate dance between nature (our DNA) and nurture (our environment). With this new knowledge we can separate what is a culturally constructed "rule" for gender and what is a true gender difference.  For example, science has shown that male babies are fussier.  They are slightly less developed and take longer to have a stable sleep pattern.  This is an example of a very small "nature" difference between the sexes. Possibly because of their fussiness plus social expectations parents inadvertently react to their male child's tears differently beginning the life-long rule that boys don't cry. This is a large "nurture" difference that grows between the sexes. With this knowledge we can be aware of this implicit sexism in parenting and compensate. Another example is that girls are less physical. Research has shown very little difference between baby girls and baby boy in physical ability but found a much larger difference between how often parents caution their girls to be careful vs. boys. This external "nurture" snowballs into girls that aren't as daring in sports not because of anything written into their DNA but because they've been conditioned by their environment.  You can read my article here for more detail on some of the fascinating research: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/11/gnp-avoid-implicit-sexism/

My point is, as we've learned more about the basis of gender differences we've adjusted our understanding of gender neutral parenting. We no longer seek androgyny which would need to be enforced as externally as traditional gender roles in favor of a more diverse and varied access to gender roles so kids can find their own sweet spot on the continuum.

read more "Answering Questions about GNP"

Unschooling Demystified

I have an article in the newest edition of Natural Mother Magazine called Unschooling Demystified. It is written for the homeschool savvy parent who wants to better understand what unschooling is all about. Check it out here.

The whole issue of Natural Mother Magazine is wonderful and you can read the whole issue for free here:

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New 'Ask Paige' - Time Outs, "Because I said so!" and Attention Span inBoys

The January Issue of Natural Mother Magazine has my first Ask Paige column (it's on page 38 but the other articles are a trove of information!) I answer three question asked by YOU! Do you have a burning parenting question? Email me at askpaige@naturalmothermagazine.com

read more "New 'Ask Paige' - Time Outs, "Because I said so!" and Attention Span inBoys"

How To Talk To Your Kids About the Miley Cyrus VMA Performance

So you may have heard about Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs.  Don't worry, I'm not going to add to the already robust discussion of sexism and racism that swirled around her act and the media's reaction to it (if you haven't read some of the discussion I have some link below.)

Instead, I thought this was a great example of the type of controversial media that invites meaningful conversation with our kids if we know how to talk about it in a way that encourages open dialog. Learn 4 techniques for open dialog with your kids!  I call it ARLO and it stands for:

• Ask


• Reflect


• Listen


• Observe

With these methods you can avoid lecturing, disagreeing, or other dialog ending habits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckwUhvOvu-4

Further Reading:

Miley's Need to Shock Was the Least Shocking Thing About It

On Miley Cyrus, Ratchet Culture and Accessorizing With Black People

MISAPPROPRIATING OUR ASSES MILEY AND THE WHITE GIRL TAKEOVER OF TWERKING

Solidarity is For Miley Cyrus: The Racial Implications of her VMA Performance

A sexologist’s two cents on the 2013 MTV VMAs

A Feminist Takedown of Robin Thicke, And Anyone Who Thinks There's Something "Blurry" About Sexism

Is the sexist backlash to Miley Cyrus worse than her twerking?

read more "How To Talk To Your Kids About the Miley Cyrus VMA Performance"

4 Ways Parents Teach Kids that Consent Doesn't Matter

Teaching kids about consent is sexual relationships is so important.  But I wonder if we might not be undermining the idea of consent inadvertently when we show a lack of respect for kids' bodies, feelings, and instincts.  How can we teach them from day one that they are entitled to consent in all of their relationships, including with their parents.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDSu2tyxmKE

Welcome to my first vlog! I really enjoyed doing it and I think it is a nice way to answer common gentle parenting problems.  If you have a question email me at Paige@parentinggently.com

read more "4 Ways Parents Teach Kids that Consent Doesn't Matter"

Alternatives to Punishment and Sternness

"It feels wrong to give my kid comfort while punishing/disciplining them. Shouldn't I be stern?"
~anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a common question because as our society plays it "discipline" or "punishment" require you to show your disapproval – not smiling, hugging, eye contact, etc.  Quite literally, Supernanny's method of "time out" requires you to remain cold and distant until the child apologizes and is brought back in line.

Gentle discipline though separates the unwanted action from the unconditionally loved kid.  If your child hits someone with a toy – you need to remove the toy.  When they flip out wanting their toy back IT IS OK TO COMFORT THEM AND SHOW EMPATHY!

They still can't have the toy back but you can say "I know you really want the toy back but hitting isn't ok so I think the toy needs a break (I use toy "time outs" and my kids think it is hilarious).  Would you like to play with this toy now or read a book?"

There is no advantage to letting your disapproval show through your words, like, "You are being bad and bad kids don't get their toys."  The disapproval here is on the child not on the action.

So our culture wants us to Punish and then be Stern.

Instead, what if we change Punishment to Solutions and Stern to Firm but Loving.  For example, this is what our actions sound like:


Punishment – "you did something wrong and you need to "pay" by feeling bad emotionally or physically so you remember it."

INSTEAD:

Solutions – "you are good but you did something that hurts others.  We need to find a solution where everyone's needs are met – meaning no one gets hurt.  So, I think this toy wasn't helping you play nicely so it needs a time out."


Stern – "Mommy is mad at you for hitting.  I'm taking your toy from you now so you can feel the sting of disappointment and maybe you'll think twice before hitting again.  And you can cry all you want but you are the one in the wrong so I'm going to ignore you."

INSTEAD:

Firm – "Mommy is not giving you that toy back because hitting is just not ok, ever.  I understand you are upset and I'm willing to help you deal with that in a loving way that respects everyone's need."

Subtle? Yes. Semantics? Maybe.  But I think that slight shift in perspective can be a game changer.

The words we use frame our attitude toward a situation.  By simply changing the words we use to think about our parenting we can find a more peaceful and loving solution.

read more "Alternatives to Punishment and Sternness"

Cortisol, T-Rex, and Your Baby

This article was originally published on BabyDustDiaries.com

The debate centered around "spoiling" a baby vs. cry-it-out (CIO) extinguishing methods normally focuses on parental life style.  Even when framed in an argument that children need to learn to "self-soothe" the primary argument still seems to be that sleeping through the night is the primary goal for the sanity of the parents and the maturity of the child.  (This idea that children need to learn self soothing is very flawed - see Authentic Parenting's great article Autonomous babies, babied children.)

I'd like to look at this question from a much more objective standpoint - that is how CIO affects the brain of an infant.

Your Baby's Brain - An Unwired House

At the moment of birth a baby has the most brain cells it will ever have.  Over the next two years the number of brain cells will decrease (and continue to decrease over your lifetime).  The important factor isn't really the number of neurons but the connections (called synapses).  The interesting thing about connections is that they are shaped by experience and thus are grown after birth through interactions with the world.  (In some of the most depressing research I've done - click at your own risk - children deprived of interaction, such as feral children, develop much fewer brain connections and can lose the ability to make connections).  So, even though a newborn has more neurons their brain is not very dense with connections - this is called synaptic density.  

Your baby's brain is like a house with all the outlets installed but none of the wiring.  Parents, through interacting with children and exposing them to experiences, help wire the brain and teach the brain how to wire - traits that last a lifetime.

Cortisol - Run From the T-Rex!

So how does stress effect the developing brain?  Cortisol gets bad press but it is useful in the human body.  When a dangerous situation happens cortisol alters key things in your body to help you respond (fight or flight) and remember.  However, our bodies were not designed to experience chronic stress.

The stress system in our bodies is really simple.  Yeah right!  Here's a graphic describing the interplay of brain, hormones, glands, and organs:

Did you get all that?  Yeah, me neither.  The important thing to note is (a) it is a loop - if you look at the circular path in the image (even without understanding the acronyms) you can see that prolonged stress response can increase stress response leading to a cycle of too much cortisol, and (b) it affects almost every system in your body:

• Cortisol counteracts insulin, contributing to hyperglycemia.


• Cortisol stimulates gastric acid secretion which increases loss of potassium.  Potassium is essential to neuron function.


• Cortisol inhibits loss of sodium from small intestines of mammals.


• Cortisol weakens the immune system. Cortisol prevents proliferation of T-cells by rendering the interleukin-2 producer T-cells unresponsive to interleukin-1 (IL-1)


• Cortisol lowers bone formation thus favoring development of osteoporosis in the long term.


• Cortisol reduces calcium absorption in the intestine.


• Cortisol works with adrenaline to create short-term memories of stressful events.  This is important in reminding cavemen not to taunt the T-rex the next time they are out hunting - hence the beneficial purpose of a short-term stress response.  However, long-term exposure to cortisol results in damage to cells in the hippocampus - your brain's long-term memory powerhouse. This damage results in impaired learning."

Non-Responsiveness and Crying

Since cortisol was meant to be a short-lived condition the body reacts to chronically elevated levels by actually destroying synapses.  In response your body produces more cortisol.  Basically, the long-term effect is to wire the whole system for over-reaction so that every cortisol producing event causes your body to over-produce cortisol.  Hence, all the effects above are prolonged.

"By regulating affect, the caregiver is also regulating the release of neurohormones in the infant's brain. High levels of cortisol, a stress hormone that may well be released in the brain during states of distress, has been shown in some animal studies to destroy synapses (Schore, 1996 emphasis mine)."

This actually structurally changes the child's brain in a way similar to an adult with prolonged depression

"Stress early in life can alter the development multiple neurotransmitter systems and promote structural and functional alterations in brain regions similar to those seen in adults with depression (Kaufman and Charney, 2001)

Infants that experience persistent crying episodes were 10 times more likely to have ADHD and were also more prone to poor school performance, antisocial behavior, increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence Wolke, Rizzo, and Woods and Perry, B. (1997), “Incubated in Terror: Neurodevelopmental Factors in the Cycle of Violence,” Children in a Violent Society, Guilford Press, New York.)

Responsiveness - The Cortisol Antidote

As much as parents can effect brain development in a negative way they can also do so in a positive way,

"In the inevitable event of distress states in the infant, the caregiver's moving in to repair the connection and comfort the infant reduces the levels of cortisol and related stress hormones. As a result, the frontal cortex develops a greater concentration of glucocorticoid receptors that can modulate stress responses (Schore, 1996).

You can create a child that handles stress well, is less prone to depression, has a high-degree of emotional intelligence, and is better able to self-soothe as an adult.

The only question you have to ask yourself is - do you want your baby to self-soothe now or when they are an adult?

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3 Ways To Nurture Empathy In Your Kids

This article was originally published in 2010 on BabyDustDiaries.com

What are your parenting resolutions for 2010?  On the cusp of having a one-year-old, it seemed like a great time for thinking about what I want to theme my parenting on in the next year.  My theme for 2009 was definitely Attachment.  I wanted Aellyn to learn that the world was a safe place, mommy (or daddy) would always be there to take care of her needs.  Attachment is such an important base for any other parent-child interaction so of course I’ll continue that but for 2010 I think my theme will be Empathy.

em·pa·thy http://sp.ask.com/dictstatic/d/g/speaker.swf (ěm’pə-thē)  

n.  Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.

Empathy is for grown ups?

When you think of the myriad things that a child learn in their second year of life empathy may not seem to be at the forefront.  Walking, fine motor skills, rudimentary language, etc. probably come to mind.  The toys and books designed for this age are primarily to enforce these skills – blocks, shape sorters, books with first words like colors.  There isn’t anything wrong with these items and I plan on having a few around but, in all honesty, I think a parent would have to go out of their way to stop a child from learning these things.  At this age a baby has a driving need to explore and know their environment.  By ensuring a safe environment free of violence (yelling or physical punishment) and plenty of opportunity to say yes to her, Aellyn will surely learn her letters, numbers, and colors (it is, in fact, the primary philosophy of unschooling that learning is the natural state of children if left unimpeded by “teaching”).

Empathy, however, seems to be somewhat different.  Humans appear to be hardwired for empathy from birth (see below) but its development is based on interactions with other people and thus is highly dependent on the quality and quantity of those interactions.  Empathy has also traditionally been left to the school-age crowd since it was believed that pre-school children were not capable of Theory of Mind, or the understanding that others have different views than the self, a cornerstone of empathy.  Recent research, however, shows that  even infants have the rudimentary behavior needed for empathy.

• At 7-9 months of age infants understand the concept of attention to objects by others.  This shared-attention is result of the baby understanding that a person besides themselves finds an object of interest, and hence has a different thought.  (Baron-Cohen, S. (1991). Precursors to a theory of mind: Understanding attention in others. In A. Whiten (Ed.), Natural theories of mind: Evolution, development and simulation of everyday mindreading (pp. 233-251). Oxford: Basil Blackwell)


• At 12 months old infants can predict the behavior of someone else, an essential ingredient of empathy.  (Falck-Ytter, T., Gredebäck, G., & von Hofsten, C (2006). Infants predict other people’s action goals. Nature Neuroscience, 9 (7), 878-879. (PDF 138kB))


• 18 month olds show understanding of another person’s goals and intentions but do not do so for inanimate objects.  (Meltzoff, A. (1995). Understanding the intentions of others: Re-enactment of intended acts by 18-month-old children. Developmental Psychology, 31, 838-850.)


• 24 month olds display comforting behavior.
  “Recent developments in research cast doubt on early conceptions of young children as primarily egocentric and uncaring of others’needs. Studies reviewed indicate a broad range of social competencies children bring to their interpersonal relationships.  As early as 2 years of age, they show (a) the cognitive capacity to interpret, in simple ways, the physical and psychological states of others, (b) the emotional capacity to experience, effectively, the state of others, and (c) the behavioral repertoire that permits the possibility of attempts to alleviate discomfort in others.” (Zahn-Waxler, C., & Radke-Yarrow, M. (1990). The origins of empathic concern. Motivation and Emotion, 14, 107-130.)

Why Empathy?

Empathy is the foundation for a variety of skills/attitudes I aspire to for Aellyn.

• Empathy is necessary for successful social relationships (Marcus, Robert F. Empathy and popularity of preschool children.  Child Study Journal. Vol 10(3),1980, 133-145.).


• Empathy leads to increased academic achievement (see my reading list below).


• Empathy leads to creativity (Creativity and Cognition).


• Empathy decreases violence and aggression, including tantrums (Feshbach, Norma D.; Feshbach, Seymour. The relationship between empathy and aggression in two age groups.  Developmental Psychology. Vol 1(2), Mar 1969, 102-107.).


• Empathy is the root of a global worldview (Lisa A. Hollingsworth, Mary J. Didelot, Judith O. Smith; REACH beyond Tolerance: A Framework for Teaching Children Empathy and Responsibility.  Journal of Humanistic Counseling, Education and Development, Vol. 42, 2003).


• Empathy reduces prejudice (http://www.onfiction.ca/2009/11/research-bulletin-reducing-prejudice.html)


• Empathy is the root of environmentalism (a great article about biophilia in children:Nurturing Children’s Biophilia: Developmentally Appropriate Environmental Education for Young Children.)

Clearly, empathy is at least as important as the cultivation of the other skills Aellyn will learn in the next year.

Nurturing Empathy in a Toddler

My parenting goal for 2010 is to find ways to nurture Aellyn’s natural tendencies toward empathy through play.

1.  Books

I’ve recently read several great articles about the influence of children’s literature on the development of empathy (Children’s Literature and Empathy).

Feelings for Little Children Series.  This series come in Mad, Happy, Silly, and Sad versions and is designed for 1-3 year olds.  From the publisher website:

“Mad, Happy, Silly, and Shy are charming beginner’s introductions to a feelings vocabulary. The sooner parents start using language to express feelings with their babies, the sooner toddlers will be able to say how they feel. Parents know how much easier their job is when their toddlers can make themselves understood!  Mad, Happy, Silly, and Shy will give the youngest children a head start on the road to healthy expression of feelings. These unique board books fill an unmet need in a most engaging way.”

My Many Colored Days by Dr. Suess.  This is a classic that provides many different ways to express feelings.  For example, “On Purple Days/ I’m sad./ I groan./ I drag my tail./ I walk alone.”  A marriage retreat that DH and I went to stressed the importance of finding a variety of ways to describe our feelings and one was color.  Clearly they were on to something.

Baby Faces.  This is a favorite of mine because it uses photographs of real babies which Aellyn always seems to respond to more.

Feelings (Reading Rainbow Book).  This book has several short stories that each highlight a feeling.

I’m Gonna Like Me: Letting Off a Little Self-Esteem by Jamie Lee Curtis. I love this book. It doesn’t deal with empathy per se but I think self-esteem is such an important part of empathy. If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others, right?

2.  Toys and Games

For Aellyn’s first birthday I simply must get this wonderful toy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dycRR4rjXg&w=425&h=344

It is called a Kimochis (Japanese for feelings) and there are several styles (adorable website btw).  I really want the one in the video – Cloud.  I think I might be able to sew some additional feeling pieces for him but they do sell the kits and each one comes with instructions on how to engage your child with the doll.

Do2Learn has printable emotion cards that I plan to make into flash cards for Aellyn (although I could probably just draw something myself).  If you have older kids that can use the computer they have a great interactive Feelings Game too that is free. Also, check out Emotions Bingo andFaceland.

I Never Forget A Face. This is a memory game, which is probably a few years away for Aellyn but I think exposure to multicultural images from a young age is also important.  I want Aellyn’s empathy to reach beyond people that are like her.

3. Modeling for Mommy

“Our children are watching us live, and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say.”
Wilferd A. Peterson quotes

I love this quote. It is so true. Teaching empathy isn’t just about helping children develop feeling words but about showing them empathy and displaying empathy for others in my own actions.  When someone cuts me off in traffic I can let road rage take over or I can say “they must be in a hurry.  That must be frustrating for them.” I also want to name my own emotions. “Mommy is frustrated because traffic is bad.” And reflect Aellyn’s emotions by giving them a name. “I know you are sad that bathtime is over.”

My Reading List

Some books (and online resources) I want to read this year that will help me focus on parenting with empathy.  (I also love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, which I’ve already read.)Canada seems to be a step ahead of us in the importance of empathy in parenting and education. I found the following 2 sites that I want to explore further. Empathetic Parenting from the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children and Seeds of Empathy (Roots of Empathy for older children).Roots of Empathy: Changing the World Child by Child by Mary Gordon

Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others by Marco Iacoboni

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by Daniel Goleman

I hope to blog about this more throughout the year(s) since I think it is just so core to many of my other parenting choices.

How do you nurture empathy in yourself and your kids?

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