Alternatives to Punishment and Sternness

"It feels wrong to give my kid comfort while punishing/disciplining them. Shouldn't I be stern?"
~anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a common question because as our society plays it "discipline" or "punishment" require you to show your disapproval – not smiling, hugging, eye contact, etc.  Quite literally, Supernanny's method of "time out" requires you to remain cold and distant until the child apologizes and is brought back in line.

Gentle discipline though separates the unwanted action from the unconditionally loved kid.  If your child hits someone with a toy – you need to remove the toy.  When they flip out wanting their toy back IT IS OK TO COMFORT THEM AND SHOW EMPATHY!

They still can't have the toy back but you can say "I know you really want the toy back but hitting isn't ok so I think the toy needs a break (I use toy "time outs" and my kids think it is hilarious).  Would you like to play with this toy now or read a book?"

There is no advantage to letting your disapproval show through your words, like, "You are being bad and bad kids don't get their toys."  The disapproval here is on the child not on the action.

So our culture wants us to Punish and then be Stern.

Instead, what if we change Punishment to Solutions and Stern to Firm but Loving.  For example, this is what our actions sound like:


Punishment – "you did something wrong and you need to "pay" by feeling bad emotionally or physically so you remember it."

INSTEAD:

Solutions – "you are good but you did something that hurts others.  We need to find a solution where everyone's needs are met – meaning no one gets hurt.  So, I think this toy wasn't helping you play nicely so it needs a time out."


Stern – "Mommy is mad at you for hitting.  I'm taking your toy from you now so you can feel the sting of disappointment and maybe you'll think twice before hitting again.  And you can cry all you want but you are the one in the wrong so I'm going to ignore you."

INSTEAD:

Firm – "Mommy is not giving you that toy back because hitting is just not ok, ever.  I understand you are upset and I'm willing to help you deal with that in a loving way that respects everyone's need."

Subtle? Yes. Semantics? Maybe.  But I think that slight shift in perspective can be a game changer.

The words we use frame our attitude toward a situation.  By simply changing the words we use to think about our parenting we can find a more peaceful and loving solution.