This Mother’s Day I was waiting for a table at Applebee’s with my husband, my parents, and my three kids - ages 4, 2, and 2 (yep, twin toddlers!). We had a 30 minute wait that turned into 85 minutes due to a mistake.
Are you feeling me yet? Three hungry kids, confined to a small space, surrounded by other people coming and going. Can you say disaster?
My kids were saying hi to everyone (I love that about them) and dancing and giggling. When someone needed through the walkway and they didn’t see them, I’d alert them and they’d move out of the way and say hi to the person trying to get through.
I was feeling pretty good about my children. They are happy, friendly kids. What more could you want?
Then I overheard a woman say “I guess Jesus wasn’t the only one born in a barn.”
I was flabbergasted. Embarrassed. And then angry! My whole body tensed up and I started trying to curb my kids’ enthusiasm, telling them to be quiet and sit down. My anger started to focus on the kids. Why couldn’t they sit still and be quiet like everyone else’s kids? Were they growing up to be brats?
Wait a minute! That isn’t me! I don’t believe kids should be “seen and not heard.” I think kids are part of society and deserve to have their place. Sitting still is not the best skill a 4 year old has to show and 2 year olds don’t even understand the concept. They weren’t being rude, loud, or having a tantrum that they were hungry.
So why was I letting what someone else’s opinion change my interactions with my kids?
It took me a few deep breaths to realize I was reacting to an external voice. The voices of the media and society-at-large that say my parenting is judged based on my children’s behavior and that my children’s worth is in their ability to act like adults.
That wasn’t my voice. My voice knows that brow beating my kids into false-politeness in order to appease society wasn’t going to help them grow up to be the compassionate people I knew they could be. My voice knows that kids who are kind and joyful is much preferable to kids who are silent and sullen.
Luckily, because I’ve had a lot of practice, I was able to turn off the external voices of perfect mom-dom and tune in to my inner authentic parent. I smiled and asked my 4 year old to show me that tap step she learned in class the other day again.
It wasn’t always so. I used to “crack down” on my kids for days just because of a repeating voice in my head saying I was doing it wrong. I would “get my act together” and implement some parenting strategy I saw on TV.
I was miserable. My kids were miserable. I’m not sure there was anyone winning in the situation. It was joyless.
Once I learned to tune in to my authentic voice the joy came back to my parenting! My kids were happy. I was happy. My kids “listened” to me because they knew I listened to them. When problems came up I could easily go to my parenting values and find a solution.
In tune, my kids could have a tantrum in public and instead of shaming them or ignoring them and leaving I could kneel down and connect with their pain. My inner voice knew it wasn’t about being embarrassed that my child had gotten loud but about teaching her that Mom is here to help her deal with her big emotions.
When my dad complained about my kids being outside barefoot; I was in tune to my authentic voice and I said “my desire for them to make decisions about what they wear is more powerful than my fear of splinters.”
When we were at a restaurant and my daughter took some time to tell the waitress her order; I was in tune to my authentic voice and I waited patiently because my desire for my daughter to have a voice was more important than being in a hurry.
Would you too like to learn to silence the “noise” of outside pressures on your parenting and find your own inner voice?
Yours won’t look just like mine - yours will be aligned with what matters most to you. It will be unique and authentic and that’s what makes it work.
Instead of finding a parenting “type” from the examples society gives us on TV (Supernanny?) and books (Feber or Attachment Parenting?) you’ll find that only you know the best way to parent your kids. You need only take the time to find out what that way is.
That’s what Transformative Parenting is all about. It’s about identifying and learning to cope with external messages and find our own authentic parent based on our values and vision for our family.
Then taking that new found voice and using it to make goals, learn new skills, and implement a new parenting roadmap that will help you stay in control of your parenting playbook.
After all, if you aren’t writing it someone else is.
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