Friday, July 1, 2011
How do you get your toddler to listen?
I am really struggling with my elder daughter in terms of disobedience at the moment. I do know that she is struggling because she doesn't get as much attention as she used to, since her sister (who is very high need) arrived 7 months ago. I try to give her special time on her own with me as much as possible, and try to do things together with her, like baking cookies etc, with her sister in the baby carrier. Nothing seems to change the rampant disobedience. I can deal with the floor or furniture getting scribbled on - it's frustrating, but I can handle it. What is really perturbing me are the safety issues. She will do her best to pull her hand out of mine crossing the street or in a car park; running up the driveway to the road; trying to go outside by herself, or into the garage ( which is a real concern as we get snakes in our garage during the summer, and our landscaper recently found a large copperhead a few yards from our garage. I try getting down to her level, looking her in the eye and explaining why I don't want her to do these things. I empathise, but what usually happens is she kicks and fights and then runs away or will block her ears and shout at me to "stop saying that". She will repeat the exact same thing that I have just explained to her that I don't want her to do for x or y reason, the minute I have finished explaining why. And, depending on how many times we have done the same cycle that day, eventually I sometimes put her in time out because I just don't know what else to do, even though I don't think it is effective parenting. Some suggestions would be really appreciated
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Patience, patience, patience. Seems to be the magical word. And sometimes it's the hardest thing to achieve!I'm also going through something quite similar with my 3.5 year old boy. He is quite the runner these days...runs way beyond me when we are out for walks while I can't run to catch up with my 7 month old being worn. It's tough!He also is fighting every step of the way in just getting out the door. So, we end up late for most things even if I leave a tonne of extra time for getting ready.I don't like how holding his hand to cross the street makes him scream "don't touch me!" Sometimes we just take half an hour to cross because I won't go if he's not next to me or if he's not holding my hand.Patience seems to be our biggest asset and often our biggest struggle.
ReplyDeleteI wish that there was magic answer for this. Just keep in mind that developmentally, toddlers are not ready to "listen." They have no concept of or interest in sound reasoning. They are simply acting on impulse. Have patience and do not make a big deal out of the little things. Try to create an environment that limits your toddler's chance of getting in harm's way. Continue being warm, gentle, and attentive to her as best you can. Perhaps she just needs a little one on one time with you, away from the baby. You might look into reading Your Two Year Old by Anne Louise Bates. She has a book for every age and they have been a fantastic resource for me. SHORT, EASY read. I got through it in anout an hour. There are some great tidbits on how to deal with your daughter's developmental stages. Good luck mama!
ReplyDelete(answer from Facebook)I want the same answers!! Actually I think this is just a phase your daughter is going through and even though it feels like you must be doing something wrong, you are doing everything right. Just because it isn't working, doesn't mean that... you are doing something wrong. Children act out for all kinds of reasons and as you continue to tell her calmly what behavior you want to see from her, sooner or later she will pick it up. It's consistency and patience. Our love and connection for our children motivates them to listen to our guidance and learn from us, not finding a way to force their compliance immediately. Look at you children not as they act or act out now, but for the people they are in a bigger sense. A three year old who throws constant tantrums will not be a 5 year old who does. A five year old who is sassy and talks back will not be a 7 year old who does. When their parents are firm and loving and consistent. But sometimes despite all our best efforts, our children are going to have to figure out right from wrong by pushing against our limits. Or maybe most of the time :)And sometimes time outs are helpful for Mommies too. I give myself time outs a lot :) timeouts to the gym, timeouts to dinner and a movie. Often when I feel like nothing is working with my parenting, I get myself out of the house and get some perspective :)
ReplyDeleteI think in addition to practical advice that some philosophical advice might help. You have framed your question using words like disobedience which normally implies a "control" frame of mind (I'm not being judgmental here, just pointing out the common way society talks about kids). I think it may help to stop thinking about what she's doing as misbehavior - which really means she isn't doing what you want her to do. Instead see what she does as normal behavior (you didn't mention her age though so I'm assuming toddler/preschool). This will lead to empathy.For example when we have to leave the playground and my daughter freaks out about it she DOES NOT want to hear why we have to leave or that we'll come back etc. But I hug her and say "you were having fun right? It is hard to leave when when you are having so much fun." It is surprising how this works.If I were you I would try this with everything you can. When you have to cross the street and she objects say "I know you would rather run free than hold mama's hand right?" Don't go on to explain why (at this time) just empathize. "It is a bummer to hold mom's hand." If she continues to pitch a fit "wow, you are really mad! How mad are you?" With something like safety that's all I'd do. There is no backing down or negotiating so I wouldn't try.You mention scribbling on the furniture and I wonder how you handle that. Do you say "wow, you made big scribbles! Let's get a sponge and clean it up now." If you catch her in the act you can say "oops, crayons are for paper and redirect her." Totally don't make it about misbehavior or scolding. To her it was just fun/pretty/a chance to push boundaries. Respect that and assume the best intentions and her responsibility to clean up after herself. I think if she feels less controlled in day to day things she may be less likely to act out when you get to those safety situations.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the input. I definitively am still working on that control frame of mind. I have always wanted to try and control things, from as far back as I can remember, and I see so much of me in my elder daughter ( who is almost three). In some ways this does help me, because I can understand where she is coming from when she wants things in separate bowls etc.With the scribbling on furniture etc, I did initially scold, but now, she helps us clean it up, but I do take her crayons away. I think that is a "real" consequence, and she knows that she is supposed to draw on paper, which she has a pile of. And I cannot repaint every wall in my house. I stopped scolding the day she told me, "But Mommy I made it look so pretty."I grew up getting spanked by both parents, and can still hear my mother's words in my head when she would see a child having a tantrum in public, about the child needing a swift hiding. I can see the absolute contradiction about spanking, and don't want to spank my child. Initially I used to put my daughter in timeout if she threw a tantrum, but realised that it didn't work at all. That's what started me on this journey, I have seen such a remarkable difference in just holding her and hugging her, and letting her cry vs timeout. I feel I am getting much better in terms of tantrums, but the not listening aspect really brings out the worst in me, I think, because I get so scared about the "what if".Thank you for the advice and input and support. It is appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI love this statement "I stopped scolding the day she told me, “But Mommy I made it look so pretty.” "Out of the mouth of babes!!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share this great resource about the concept of "misbehaving" http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/thomas_gordon2....
ReplyDeleteI think it's really important to stop labeling her actions as disobedience, because that in itself will create frustration. It sounds to me that she is an inquisitive little girl looking for autonomy. Try to give her as much autonomy and authentic choice as you can, so you can be firm on the things that are necessary.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post, and reply! I've been struggling with many of the same problems, and now I have a new way to look at it. Instead of trying to control my daughter by telling her that she's disobeying, I must empathize with her. My only problem is that my daughter has a very short attention span at this point and when she gets upset, it's hard to get through. I just hope I can get her calm enough to listen to me. I think it will all be about timing, jumping in before she's lost it. Thanks again!
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