New 'Ask Paige' - Time Outs, "Because I said so!" and Attention Span inBoys

The January Issue of Natural Mother Magazine has my first Ask Paige column (it's on page 38 but the other articles are a trove of information!) I answer three question asked by YOU! Do you have a burning parenting question? Email me at askpaige@naturalmothermagazine.com

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Gender Neutral Parenting Book

Our culture has strict rules for acceptable behavior for men and women. But what about kids who fall outside the boundaries of prescribed roles? This book is a guide for parents in the practical application of Gender Neutral Parenting – a parenting style based on respect for a child’s self-identity and providing latitude in exploring their own version of gender and gender expressions.

In Gender Neutral Parenting you’ll learn the Five Skills Essential for GNP:

[lists style="6" title="5 Essential Skills For the Gender Neutral Parent" tag="h2"] [lists_item]Skill #1: Become Aware of Genderization[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #2: Become Aware of Your Gender Bias[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #3: Create a Gender Diverse Environment[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #4: Start a Dialog About Gender[/lists_item] [lists_item]Skill #5: Dealing With Family and Friends and Dispelling Myths[/lists_item] [/lists] With practical examples and real world scenarios, this book will give you the strong foundation needed to implement GNP in your home and with your children. You’ll learn about gender stereotypes for boys and girls and how to counteract them as a parent. Stereotypes covered include;

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Girl Genderization Stereotypes:

• Stereotype: Girls Are More Social and Less Physical


• Stereotype: Girls Are Princesses


• Stereotype: Girls Are Boy Crazy, Sexual Temptresses


• Stereotype: Girls Are Pure and Virginal

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Boy Genderization Stereotypes:

• Stereotype: Boys Are Physically Active But Behind Socially and Verbally


• Stereotype: Boys Are Emotionally Stunted


• Stereotype: Boys Are Slaves To Their Sex Drive


• Stereotype: Boys Will Be Boys

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You’ll also learn how to deal with family and friends (and strangers) that don’t understand your parenting approach. I’ll answer questions like; [notice type="error" title="Dispelling Myths Like..." tag="h4"]

“Won’t that make him gay?”

“Why are you so anti-feminine/anti-masculine?”

“Do you think she’s trans*?”

“You’re raising a person not a social experiment.”

“She’s going to hate you and need therapy.” Or, “He’ll be bullied.”

“I can’t believe you let her play with Barbies! Don’t you even care about her future?”

[/notice]   This book is for any parent, grandparent, or childcare teacher that wants a guide to raising kids without the strict limitations of gender roles and who wants to engage kids in conversations that will make them savvy media consumers and critical problem solvers around issues or gender and equality. Click to enlarge:

   

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 3 Ways To Buy:

[animated_button align="none" animation="pulse" color="pink" size="medium" text="Buy PDF" url="http://shop.parentinggently.com/?product=gender-neutral-parenting-ebook"][animated_button align="none" animation="pulse" color="blue" size="medium" text="Buy for Kindle" url="http://www.amazon.com/Gender-Neutral-Parenting-Raising-themselves-ebook/dp/B00FRKSLO0/ref=reg_hu-rd_dp_img"][animated_button align="none" animation="pulse" color="orange" size="medium" text="Buy Print" url="http://www.amazon.com/Gender-Neutral-Parenting-Raising-themselves/dp/0615903525/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_pap?ie=UTF8&qid=1383138187&sr=8-1&keywords=paige+lucas-stannard"]

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Transformative Parenting

Start a Self-Discovery Process and Learn Concrete Parenting Skills
To Help You Parent from Your Values

In this 4-month online course, you'll go through a self-discovery process and learn concrete skills in order to consistently parent from your values.

This parenting course is unlike any other you'll find. While most parenting guides focus on making the child do what the parent wants, this course instead focuses on who we're being with our kids and what we're modeling for them.

[dropshadowbox align="center" effect="raised" width="80%" height="" background_color="#ffffff" border_width="3" border_color="#f20aa4" inside_shadow="false" ]Our innovative approach to parenting shows up in 5 main ways:[checklist]

• Parent from the Inside Out: Instead of focusing on children’s behavior, you’ll examine what’s behind your default behavior and discover your inner authentic parent.


• Use Conflict as Opportunities for Connection: Instead of using disciplining tools, you’ll learn to use relational tools to help you to find win-win solutions.


• Share Power With, Not Over: Instead of getting your kids to behave through exerting power over them, you’ll share power with them so your kids feel heard and empowered to develop their own solutions.


• Take the Long View of Parenting: Instead of just focusing on controlling children’s behavior in the now, you’ll focus on modeling feminist ideals of equality, self-love, and social justice for our kids to learn.


• Discover Your Own Way: Parenting isn’t one-size-fits all. It’s a relationship between two unique, different people whose needs and feelings deserve to be acknowledged in the parenting approach.

[/checklist][/dropshadowbox]The fact is parenting is an amazing opportunity for personal growth. By focusing on your internal needs as a parent you will grow as a person - into your true, authentic self.

Through your own transformation:[checklist2]

• Your relationships with your kids, partner, and even peers will start to change too.[pullquote_right]Parenting is an amazing opportunity for personal growth. By focusing on your internal needs as a parent you will grow as a person - into your true, authentic self.[/pullquote_right]


• You will develop a confidence that only comes from knowing your inner voice’s truth and blocking out negative messages of self-doubt.


• You’ll learn to enjoy parenting and stop the stressful power struggles that make parenting difficult and tiring.


• Your kids will flourish with the new confidence you’ll be placing on their abilities to live peacefully in a family.


• Your kids will become empowered when you focus on sharing “power with” rather than having “power over” them.


• You’ll enjoy your kids more!

[/checklist2]

To develop your authentic parenting voice, you’ll learn how to:[checklist2]

• Identify the core values your want to model for and pass on to your children


• Understand your default parenting approach and how to use it to your advantage


• Know what “misbehavior” is and what is really behind how we all act


• Ways to communicate with your kids effectively, especially when they’re upset


• Get back on track when you’re derailed from your parenting path


• Hit the pause button when you feel yourself being triggered[/checklist2]

It’s about bringing forth the authentic parenting voice within you – the one that’s already there but bogged down under a barrage of how-to’s and thou-shalt’s thrust on parents from every direction.

We're offering a three different course packages so you can find just the one that meets your needs!  Read on for detailed explanation of each package.

I hope to see you on the inside!

Paige Lucas-Stannard
Founder of Parenting Gently

 

 

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all the course packages for

Transformative Parenting Include

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Want To Reserve Your Space?

Then click below to sign-up and reserve your space! If you want to learn more, then keep reading...

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[go_pricing id="tp_option1"]Option #1 is for all the lesson and journal material taken at a self-guided pace.  You'll get sequential access to:

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You'll get access to:

• 26 hours of material


• 6 In-depth Journal Guides


• 1 Parenting Personality Assessment


• 16 Parenting Affirmations


• PLUS access to the Course forums

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Similar parenting courses are sold for $250 and up.  I want to make the class accessible to everyone and I'm offering the class for only $97. You can’t find a better deal or a more life changing class!

Finances are difficult as a parent so I'm also offering a monthly payment plan!  For just $25 today, you can get started on your journey and you will pay 3 more monthly installments during the class of $25.

[animated_button align="center" animation="pulse" color="yellow" size="medium" text="Register for Option 1 Now" url="http://parentinggently.com/product/transformative-parenting-installments"]

This option does not include any one-on-one email or phone support, however, you can always contact me with questions and we can determine how I can help along the way.[dividers style="3"]

[go_pricing id="tp_option2"] Option #2 is the most popular option because it includes individual coaching at an affordable rate!

This option includes all the content of option #1 PLUS weekly email feedback/coaching for the lessons.[dropshadowbox align="center" effect="raised" width="300px" height="" background_color="#3fb532" border_width="1" border_color="#fdf1f1" ]

You'll get access to:

• 26 hours of material


• 6 In-depth Journal Guides


• 1 Parenting Personality Assessment


• 16 Parenting Affirmations


• PLUS access to the Course forums


• PLUS Email Coaching for all 6 Journal Guides


• PLUS Gender Neutral Parenting eBook

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Email coaching is done via the Journal Exercises.  You submit your Journal and I review and give feedback.  You can also ask specific questions at the end of your Journal and I'll reply to those as well.

Email coaching is often offered for $20-40 per email.  You get six email sessions that will help you explore the topics deeper for only around $8 each.

You can pay in one payment of $147.  You can also choose to pay in installments - this means you can get started for only $37 today and then 3 monthly payments of $37.

Space is limited.

In order to provide in-depth, one-on-one feedback I keep the course registration for Option #2 and Option #3 limited to 10 people.  Save your space now![animated_button align="center" animation="pulse" color="green" size="medium" text="Register for Option #2 Now" url="http://parentinggently.com/product/transformative-parenting-installments"][dividers style="3"]

[go_pricing id="tp_option3"] Option #3 is the Complete Coaching Package.

This includes all the features of options #1 and #2 PLUS 2 live coaching sessions with me.

[dropshadowbox align="center" effect="raised" width="300px" height="" background_color="#9c0ad9" border_width="1" border_color="#fdf1f1" ]

You'll get access to:

• 26 hours of material


• 6 In-depth Journal Guides


• 1 Parenting Personality Assessment


• 16 Parenting Affirmations


• PLUS access to the Course forums


• PLUS Email Coaching for all 6 Journal Guides


• PLUS Gender Neutral Parenting eBook


• PLUS 2 45-minute live coaching sessions


• PLUS Let's Talk About Sex eBook


• PLUS Gentle Parenting Reminder Card (mailed to your home)

[/dropshadowbox]The coaching sessions are 45 minutes long and done via phone, skype, or facetime. This is an opportunity to work on your unique parenting situation and find strategies to help you parent from the heart.

Coaching sessions cost $75 individually but in this package you get two for only $50!

You can pay in one payment of $197 or in 4 installments.  That means you can get started for only $50 today and then 3 additional monthly payment of $50.

Space is limited.

In order to provide in-depth, one-on-one feedback I keep the course registration for Option #2 and Option #3 limited to 10 people.  Save your space now![animated_button align="center" animation="pulse" color="purple" size="medium" text="Register for Option #3 Now" url="http://parentinggently.com/product/transformative-parenting-installments"][dividers style="3"]

For a taste of the course, this video is the overview of Module 1 and sets the stage for the learning objectives.

[video_skin style="4" title="Module 1 Overview (sample video)" tag="h6" player="youtube" video_id="7rhUa1L34D0" controls="yes" width="485" height="295"]

How I Discovered My Authentic Parenting Voice

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[caption id="attachment_1468" align="alignleft" width="294"] Paige with her preemie twins in the NICU.[/caption]

I always imagined I would be a mother one day. When it became clear that becoming pregnant would be very difficult, I felt the universe wasn’t giving me a baby because I was unworthy of one.

So I read everything I could on parenting to prove them otherwise - from pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, formula feeding, cribs, co-sleeping, vaccines, discipline, diapers, homemade baby food, baby led weaning, yoga classes, baby sign language, to poetry for babies.

On top of that, I was getting all these messages on how I “should” parent from “spare the rod, spoil the child,” to the SuperNanny telling us rules, structure, and “tough love” are important, to 20 Kids and Counting using gentle but tightly controlled discipline to run their family.

I was looking for the answer to being a great parent out there somewhere.

Then my daughter was born. The birth was “perfect,” she was “perfect,” and everything was perfectly perfect.

Until I woke up one night in the wee hours with a panic attack. Suddenly, a decision I’d made to forgo a newborn procedure, a decision I’d made through tons of research, seemed like the stupidest idea ever.

My daughter was going to die an agonizing death and it would be all my fault. I finally got the child I’d dreamed of and I’d already messed her up at 3 days old.

It was paralyzing. I realized that all the research in the world wasn’t going to make me a good mom if I didn’t trust myself - my true, inner sense of rightness.

And that feeling of “rightness” was more important than any single bit of parenting advice I could get. The answer was inside me, not out there.

This scenario where I panic that I’m messing my kids up happens again and again. But I’ve learned how to take a deep breath, be still, and listen for the inner rightness.

The better I get at listening to this inner voice, the easier parenting is! Well, maybe not easy. My kids make messes, have tantrums, and push my buttons like any kids will.

But the difference is that when I’m in that flow of feeling connected to my inner voice, parenting is actually fun!

Suddenly, no obstacle seems that daunting. Rather it feels like a chance for connection with my kids and a deeper connection with myself.

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If you'd like to make this shift and approach parenting your children like this, then this course is for you.

THE 4-MONTH ACTION PLAN

Module 1 – Unpack Your Parenting Habits and Assumptions

We get little training or instruction on how to proceed when we first become parents. So we cobble together a parenting style based on the parenting culture around us and our own upbringing (either running from it or towards it).

But that doesn’t mean we even agree with our default way of parenting! So in this first module, you’ll focus on understanding how your current default parenting style shows up and why.

Lesson 1 – Unpacking Cultural Messages About Parenting

We’ve all been bombarded with messages about what a “good” parent should do, from how all women are natural nurturers, that no man can be trusted to change diapers, to how single moms are ruining the country.

Feminism and many great caregivers of all genders, marital status, and sexual orientations have argued and proven that those messages are inaccurate, poor ideals to aspire to. But we’ve often absorbed more than we realize, even when these messages are in direct conflict with our parenting values.

To help you unpack your assumptions around what you “should” be doing and distinguish what is not your authentic parenting voice, you’ll:

• See which of the common cultural stories about parenthood you have internalized


• Identify how these internalized messages manifest and impact your life, including feeling guilt, fear, or anger


• Practice stopping these toxic messages before they take over your parenting and replacing them with your own intentions.

Lesson 2 – Understanding Your Default Response to Difficult Emotions

In our society, we’re not taught how to process difficult emotions in a healthy way. So it’s no surprise that we don’t know what to do when our own children get upset (which can be really often!). Between our desire to make them stop crying and have us stop feeling so helpless, we may feel compelled to deny or dismiss their feelings.

Unfortunately this only teaches them that their feelings don’t count and that it’s wrong to share them. In the long-run, this can negatively impact their own emotional healthiness as well as their capacity to feel empathy for others.

To help you teach them how to process difficult emotions and model respect and empathy for your children, you’ll:

• Take a questionnaire to identify how you usually relate to your child when they are experiencing strong emotions


• Understand the difference between honoring someone’s emotions and giving in to someone’s emotions


• Practice honoring your child’s emotions and connecting with them through empathy

Lesson 3 – Meeting Your Parenting Fears

When our children are born, they are entirely dependent on us, which can feel completely scary and overwhelming. Even as they grow up and become more independent, that fear continues, saying, “if you don’t do X, you’re going to mess them up – for the rest of their lives!”

And in our society, fear is commonly used as a weapon to keep us in our place. So we’re taught to act according to our fears – instead of our values and aspirations. And when we model this for our kids, we often pass on our own fears to them.

To help you shift from acting from fear to empathy and model how to act in the face of fear for your children, you’ll:

• Identify your parenting fears and how they affect your interactions with your kids


• Learn how to move past our fears and parent from a place of trust


• Practice turning your fears into positive affirmations

Module 2 – Discover Your Authentic Parenting Approach

Now that you’ve unpacked some of the parenting baggage that clutters our minds, you can begin to focus on what you truly want your parenting to look like.

Have you ever been in a job interview where the interviewer asked “where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and you scramble for a good answer but in your head you’re thinking “I just want to be employed!” Sometimes parenting can feel that way.

We are rarely asked what our goals are for parenting and if we are we just think, “I just want to keep my kids alive!” or “I just want to stop arguing about homework!”

So in our second module, you’re going to examine what you really want out of parenting – which is a wonderful gift you can give to yourself and your kids.

Lesson 1 – Identifying Your Core Values

We all have so many values we find important – honesty, compassion, honor, equality, creativity, etc. It’s hard to say “no” to any value – since they’re all so valuable. But without clarifying which values are most important to us and in what ways, we remain fuzzy on how to live from those values.

Knowing what our core values are provides a basis for decision making in all parts of our lives – especially parenting. And since kids learn from what we do more than from what we say, living from our core values is the best way to pass them on.

To find clarity in what your core values mean to you, you’ll:

• Look at how your values translate to your kids through your interactions with them


• Identify the unique core values that are most important to you


• Identify the goals you have for your parenting

Lesson 2 – Informing Your Parenting with Your Values

Having clarity on the values that mean the most to us is the first step. And now we need to explore how to bring those lofty ideals into seemingly mundane day-to-day tasks of parenting.

How does a value like respect impact body-autonomy in how you potty train your toddler? How does valuing teamwork translate into getting your seven year old to clean their room? How does the value of trustworthiness translate into setting rules for your teenager?

In order to take your values from the clouds to the ground, you’ll:

• Look at the spheres of child development and how your core values inform your decisions in each area


• Create your own Parenting Roadmap on how to apply your values to your parenting


• Write your own Family Mission Statement combining your core values and goals

Lesson 3 – Creating Your Parenting Vision and Plan

To bring our values into our life, we have to do something that kids do naturally but we’ve been conditioned not to – Dream! Painting a picture of what different areas of your life and parenting would look like and how they would be different makes it far more real and concrete.

But we need to take the dreaming one step further. Once you have a vision of your ideal life and parenting, you’ll need to turn them into a plan with specific goals and concrete ways to achieve them.

To create an implementable vision, you’ll:

• Learn how to put your parenting goals into action


• Create your Vision Board of your ideal life with your kids and of goals to turn that into a reality


• Create a strategy for applying your goals to common parenting scenarios.

Module 3 – Equip Yourself with New Parenting Skills

Now that you have created your parenting vision, you’ll learn actionable skills that will equip you to live up to your chosen parental ideals.

You’ll also learn some eye opening truths about why kids (and all humans) do the things they do and tools to help you turn stressful situations into important moments of learning and growth.

Lesson 1 – Understanding and Addressing “Misbehavior”

Similar to cultural stories about “good” parents, there are many erroneous stories about “good” children and “bad” children. How we think about children and what motivates their behavior has a profound affect on how we treat and interact with them – whether it’s that they’re wild animals or innocent angels.

But children, just like parents, don’t fit into society’s boxes and society’s explanations just limit and minimize what’s actually going on. Based on research on how and why children act the way they do and why, we can truly approach our children’s behavior from a position of empathy and connection.

In order to address the underlying reasons for children’s behavior, you’ll:

• Learn why kids behave the way they do and why we view it as “misbehavior” when it’s just them expressing their needs


• Identify dIfferent ways that children view adults that impact the way they interact with us


• Practice reframing “misbehavior” by connecting with your kids

Lesson 2 – Communicating for Connection

The prevailing advice on parenting usually puts everyone into two narrow boxes:

1. Your job as parent is to control your children. You have the power and their job is to conform OR


2. Your job as a parent is to make your children happy. You give up the power to your child and subsume your needs to theirs.

But there is a third option that we don’t hear much about – sharing the power with your children. With the right skills, we can forge relationships based on equality and mutual respect where it’s a win-win situation.

To develop your skills to share power with your kids, you’ll:

• Get a new tool for talking with your kids in a way that deepens connection


• Learn how to talk to your kids in ways that encourage them to open up and doesn’t flip the defensive/rebellious switch


• Practice sharing power with your child without sliding down the “permissive parent slope”

Lesson 3 – Acknowledging Needs and Feelings

When our children get upset (and then we get upset about them being upset), neither one of our needs and feelings may be clear to us. And in the heat of conflict, we can easily turn to controlling, judgmental, or manipulative words to make our children do what we want.

While we may get our way in that moment, this type of communication disconnects us from our children. Instead of trying to control our kid, we can focus on trying to understand and respect everyone’s need and feelings, even during conflict. This turns upset moments into opportunities for greater connection with our children.

To develop your skills in compassionate communication, you’ll:

• Learn how to identify the needs and feelings in yourself and your kids


• Practice how to communicate your needs and feelings without judgment


• Practice how to request actions without criticism, control, or manipulation in a way that honors the needs and feelings of both parent and child

Capstone Project – Bring Your Parenting Approach To Life

During this month, you’ll bring together everything you’ve discovered and learned from the three modules and integrate them into your daily parenting life. You’ll choose one aspect of your parenting that you’d like to focus on and apply your authentic parenting approach and new skills to it.

With your Vision Board, Family Mission Statement, and Parenting Roadmap in hand, you’ll be able to tackle trying situations with your kids and turn them into opportunities for connection. You’ll see that the new found clarity of sweeping away the clutter of cultural messages, fears, and assumptions and focusing on your values and goals will bring the joy back to parenting.

To help you stay on track, you’ll learn how to address common derailers that may challenge your intentional parenting including:

• Anger – How to work through your own anger and help your child do the same


• Stress – How to come back to your center when you get stressed and teach your children the valuable life skill of stress management


• Co-Parenting Challenges – How to provide more parenting consistency and greater harmony with your co-parent


• Family Saboteurs – How to deal with family and friends that disagree with your parenting approach


• Labeling and Praise – How to give productive feedback instead of labels and praise that can create anxiety

 

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Frequently Asked Questions

Still have questions? Here are answers to some common ones, but contact us if you have others!

I'd love to take the course but I'm afraid I'm really busy. How much time will this take?
The class is designed to fit into a parent's busy life style with each lesson taking approximately 1-2 hours per week. If you want to go deeper, there will be optional readings and suggested resources.

And don't forget about all the extra time you'll have if some of the common parenting struggles were removed, like getting ready for school, eating meals, or going to bed. You might find the investment of time you make in the course will pay off in the long run.

It's great how much support I can get from Paige but what if I’m too busy to take advantage of it?
We all know how busy parents can be so we’ve designed the course to give you lots of flexible options. The group calls and one-on-one coaching are available at scheduled weekly times. But if you can't make those times, you can access both their recordings and transcripts afterwards. Plus you can use the forum and email to get direct support form Paige anytime you’re free.

What age children is the class geared towards?
This class is for parents of any and all aged children! Since we’re focusing on the personal transformation of the parent - all parents will benefit.

If you are pregnant, plan to start a family, or have a small baby that is an AMAZING time to start building your authentic parenting voice. Your child will benefit from always being used to having a centered parent that parents from their values.

If you have toddlers, preschoolers, or school-aged children it is never too late to shift your parenting to a values-based, authentic place. The class will use examples of common scenarios in this age group that will help you overcome obstacles to implementing your parenting roadmap. With one-on-one coaching with Paige you’ll also be able to have your specific questions answered.

If you are the parent of teens, young adults, or grandbabies this class will also provide a rich resource for conflict resolution and compassionate communication. You will find your relationships with all your family and friends flourish with your new centered authentic voice.

I don’t have kids but I work as a nanny/childcare provider, is this class for me?
As a caretaker for children the information you garner about how children process emotions and why they behave the way they do will be invaluable. You will also gain skills in compassionate communication and connecting through conflict that will help you in interactions with all the children in your life.

If I don’t have the extra money to pay for this course right now but I really want to take it, what should I do?
I've purposely underpriced this 4-month course at a reduced rate to make it more financially accessible. However, we understand that within our community, even spending an additional $6-12 per week (depending on the option chosen) may be too much for some. So here are some ways to manage the fee and still access the course:

• Pay in 4 monthly installments: If you can’t pay the full price all at once, you can pay it in 4 installments.  When you get to the product page, choose the payment plan that's right for you.

• Refer someone: If someone signs up and notes that you referred them at check out, you will get 25% of the fee refunded to you. So if you get 4 friends to join you, you get the course for free! Note that this also retroactive, so it’s ok if you’ve already signed-up, you’ll still get the discount!

How will I access everything?
The course starts on Monday, September 2nd and you will be given access to a special Transformative Parenting course members section on the Parenting Gently website. There, you will find all written materials, videos, recordings, schedule of live sessions, and the online forum. You will also get regular emails notifying you of when new lesson materials are available and reminders on assignments and support availability.

[guarantee style="2" title="100% Risk Free Money Back Guarantee" tag="h2" name="Paige " text="custom"]

[caption id="attachment_1469" align="alignleft" width="211"] Paige's favorite parenting tool: be silly.[/caption]

I'm so absolutely sure that you'll love the course that I'm offering an unconditional, no-questions-asked 30-day money back guarantee.If you sign up, go through the first month, and aren’t 100% satisfied, I will refund your money.

So there's no risk to signing up and getting the support you deserve.

[/guarantee]

If you’re ready to get the support you need to become the parent you've always wanted to be, click the button below to get started!

[go_pricing id="tp"]

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Expectation and Intentions

This post originally appeared in the 2010 Carnival of Gentle Parenting

Two ways that parents can fall into a negative pattern with their kids is through false expectations and intentions.  Having unrealistic expectations, for example expecting your toddler to sit quietly during dinner for an hour, sets parents up for frustration – thereby undermining gentle intentions.  Imagining malicious intention can be even worse.  Imagine your 11 month old throwing food off of their tray.  If you imagine she is doing it intentionally to annoy you your reaction will be very different than if you imagine she is having a great time learning about her power over objects.

David Elkind, in his book The Power of Play, calls this the egocentric trap.  He says, “This trap, which all parents slip into on occasion, is looking at situations entirely from our own perspective and failing to take the child’s point of view.”  In order to take your child’s point of view into account it is important to understand, from a developmental, perspective what your child is actually capable of.  Can an 18 month old sit quietly for an hour?  It is also important to relate to your child with empathy.  It is ok if these ideas don’t come naturally – practice makes perfect.  I recommend Elkind’s book and Baby Hearts by Susan Goodwyn.  Both books will help you change your expectations, assign reasonable intentions, and enjoy parenting.

Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child a… by Susan Goodwyn Ph.D.	The Power of Play: Learning What Comes Natu… by David Elkind

Assuming the Best Intentions

Lauren at Hobo Mama looks at the intentions we assign to children’s’ actions (and even adult’s actions) and how they usually says more about us than about them.

There’s a tendency to see misbehavior in any behavior that inconveniences us as adults…We’re not immune from taking this attitude even into our adult relationships. Ever had a partner or roommate leave the toilet paper roll empty? Was your first reaction righteous indignation and an assumption that it was done on purpose to spite you?

By taking a moment to step back (and out of Elkind’s egocentric trap) we can honor the impulse behind the behavior,

Is he running away? He’s connecting with me through play and seeking attention. He’s also showing his trust that we won’t truly lose him.  Is he making a mess? Children are messy creatures. They need to be free to experiment with objects and materials if they want to learn.  Is he being loud? He’s finding his own voice and honing his musical skills.

Lauren provides several great examples and resources for learning how to better assign intentions to our children.

Choosing Joy

Arwyn at Raising My Boychick provides us a great tool for checking if our expectations are reasonable,

Helping him meet our expectations means making sure that they’re reasonable, that there aren’t any impediments, and that he has the tools and guidance that he needs. Reasonable expectations take into account the world he lives in, and his abilities — both his limitations and his strengths (for children are often far more capable than we think). When he’s tantruming on the floor over his popped balloon, we consider that possibly he’s in HALT TOT (HALT TOT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Thirsty, Overstimulated, or in need of a Toilet), and seek to rectify that and address the underlying problem.

She also reminds us that checking our expectations has a positive effect for us as parents – it feels good!

[G]iven the choice, I would rather feel good. I would rather look at my child and smile because he’s being rambunctious and learning about his body than tense up and get ready to yell because he’s being wild and tearing through the place. I would rather take the time to find creative solutions that leave us all satisfied than waste hours feeling angry and resentful and listening to him cry and be grumpy. I would rather practice finding joy in chaos than create frustration trying to control that which is not controllable.

Her post reminds us that every day is a choice.  Why not choose joy?

Making it Fun – The Power of Play

Shana at Schmoopy Baby has definitely got choosing joy down pat!  She gives us some great examples of parenting through bringing out your inner goofball. Being silly can go a long way with kids, as she shows in this example,

Is it important to you to have dinner together as a family at night, but sometimes your little schmoo is more interested in tossing around his books in the living room at dinner time? Try bringing out a few pieces of a yummy dinner-friendly snack (grapes are my little one’s temptation) and pretend you’re a train taking the grapes to the kitchen table. Be sure to include lots of fun sound effects and dance around a bit as you make your way.

Could I pick him up off the floor and storm into the kitchen while yelling, “I said it’s dinner time. That means you come when I call you. I’m your mother and you better learn to respect me and do what I say!”? Well yes, I suppose I could. I could put up with a lot more crying and screaming and anger and frustration. But why would I choose screams when I can get giggles? And how would that contribute to the positive family vibe I am trying to create by having dinner together in the first place?

Giggles or screams?  I choose giggles.  Go read her post for some great examples of playful parenting (including some silly songs!).

read more "Expectation and Intentions"

Goldie Blox: 4 Reasons Gender Neutral Isn't Always the Answer

Have you seen or heard about Goldie Blox?

Goldie Blox is a game designed by an engineering student at Stanford, Debbie Sterling, to get girls building. You can see her explain why she created Goldie Blox below.
http://youtu.be/y-AtZfNU3zw

I bought one before they were even made when it was just a Kickstarter project. I've been saving it for Aellyn's 5th birthday (this February!).

I recently had a conversation with a friend about Goldie Blox. As a mother of sons, she didn't see the point of "girl" toys and stated she'd rather just buy gender neutral.

I realized, as the author of a book called "Gender Neutral" parenting, it might sound like something I'd say. That buying a "girls only" toy is sexist and teaches kids the wrong thing.

Here's why I think Goldie Blox is a better idea than gender neutral;

1. Gender neutral parenting (GNP) isn't about gender neutral toys.

As I mention in the book, I do prefer the non-pink version of things because just slapping pink on a toy and calling it "girl" is insulting to girls (and boys). However, that is not the primary aim of GNP toy purchasing. The primary purpose is to breakdown gender stereotypes (cooking is for girls, cars are for boys) and compensate for possible, implicit bias in both genders. 

This means going out of your way to get your girls engaged in large motor skills like kicking, running and jumping because we (parents and society) may implicitly ignore these skills in our verbal girls. It also means going out of your way to engage your boys in storytelling and reading because we may implicitly ignore these skills in our physical boys.

2. STEM is an area of strong implicit (and explicit) bias for girls.

STEM - science, technology, engineering, and medicine - is comprised of only 11% females. There is a clear social bias at work that makes excelling at these fields difficult for girls.

There are many problems at play here but one is the genderization of toys. Building toys are primarily the realm of boys. If you go to a toy store they will be in the "blue" aisle.

This morning I did an Amazon search for "engineering toys" -- it was wonderful to see Goldie Blox in the #1 slot! Most, however, are clearly marketed to boys.

You can say "those aren't boy toys, they are gender neutral! I'd just buy them for my girls!" and you'd be right to an extent. Those toys are perfectly fine for girls or boys. We don't need to pay attention to the marketing of stores that say this is boys and this is girls.

However, if you live in the real world with real kids, the kids are going to know what boy toys and girl toys are. Ask the average 2nd grade boy to play with a doll and see what he says!

When the social cues our kids learn - even if they aren't from us - strongly gender something it  becomes necessary to compensate in some way. 

For example, one area where boys are disadvantaged is in reading and writing. The idea of a diary or journal is very popular for girls but rarely marketed for boys. In this case I would try something like this boy-centric journal to get my sons writing.

If my girls are going to be turned off by engineering toys they deem "boy toys," then buying one designed to appeal to girls is a great idea.

3. Pink does not a girl toy make.

So, let's look at the prevailing thought for making engineering toys appeal to girls.

 

If you have a girl who likes pink this *might* work but the vast majority of girls aren't going to be fooled by a change in color (I am all for buying the pink ones if your child *wants* it). Worse, many kids are just insulted! As if we are all saying, "if only there were more PINK, I'd love to be a scientist!"

You can't dip something in pink and say you are appealing to girls. It is insulting and does little to change the gap in female STEM careers.

4. Completely neutral sexism is like completely colorblind racism - it isn't.

If you are involved in racial justice you'll know that "colorblind" is the new racist mantra. It often goes hand-in-hand with the concept of "reverse racism."

In a world with complete equality - where people of all colors have completely equal opportunity - then maybe race won't be an issue. We don't live in that world so to deny race is really to back the status quo, that is, white privilege and non-white oppression. Part of leveling the playing field to reduce inequality is about compensating for racism not ignoring it[1. Speaking of racism - the original Goldie Blox game was very white-centric. The newer game improves slightly in having a person of color featured.].

The same goes for gender. If we say anything "for girls" is sexist and we should just ignore gender then we are strengthening the sexist status quo. There is a clear inequality in STEM for girls. Part of leveling the playing field is to have programs that encourage girls in these areas (and it is important to encourage boys in areas where they are disadvantaged too).

A girl-centric toy for engineering is warranted by the documented inequality in the field.

But it's sexist against boys! I've heard that "my son would love it, but..." the "but" being that he doesn't want to play with a pink toy. Why is that? Because pink is for girls and being a girl is less valued than being a boy?

Maybe it would do our sons good to play with pink? Maybe boys would benefit from the storytelling side of Goldie Blox? I agree. Someone should start a kickstarter project to add verbal, storytelling, and nurturing themes into "boy toys." That doesn't make Goldie Blox sexist against boys.

On the surface, a pink toy annoys me. I don't really like pastel colors in general and I find it insulting that girl things are all a range of pink and lavender. However, that isn't the sum of a whole toy.

Goldie Blox was created after researching how girls play. Girls are verbal and like storytelling (whether that is biological or just socially reinforced is irrelevant as long as it just IS). What Goldie Blox does is take that concept and make a story-led, girl-centric game that uses engineering skills.

Do I wish it weren't pastel (it is mostly blue)? Maybe. I don't personally like the colors but, once again, Goldie Blox used research to find colors that would appeal to the most girls. If making it baby blue and pink helps more girls be exposed to it then I'm all for it.

Someday we won't need gendered toys. Today is not that day.

What do you think of Goldie Blox?

read more "Goldie Blox: 4 Reasons Gender Neutral Isn't Always the Answer"

Healthy Child Summit - A FREE Online Conference for Parents

In February I'll be speaking at the Healthy Child Summit about Parenting Beyond Stereotypes - but you can get a sneak peek of 22 of the presentations starting November 18th!

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• Would you like to learn how to prepare your body for the healthiest pregnancy possible?


• Are you interested in preparing for a natural birth, one with no or limited interventions?


• Would you like the support, encouragement, and resources to get off to the best start with breastfeeding?


• Would you like to learn about common childhood illnesses, how to prepare a natural medicine cabinet, and how to get your child off on the right foot nutritionally?


• Do you have questions about the signs of autism, adrenal fatigue, sensory processing disorders, and more? Wondering how you can support your child naturally through these deeper challenges?


• Are you looking to rid your home and environment of toxins, make your own natural cleaners and skincare products, and choose safe toys for your children?


• Are you looking for support in dealing with the teenage years including hormones and food choices?


• Are you a overwhelmed mama, struggling with self care?

Join Over 50 Professionals and Experts As They Empower, Educate, and Inspire Your Family’s Natural Health and Wellness Journey!

The Healthy Child Summit will take you on a journey through over 50 wellness topics related to:

• Preconception, Pregnancy, and Birth


• Breastfeeding


• Ages 0-3


• Ages 3-6


• Ages 6-18


• Whole Family Natural Health and Wellness


• Parent Education and Empowerment


• Mama Care

For more information on the complete Healthy Child Summit, launching February 2014, visit the Speaker Lineup page.

To take advantage of this special FREE 22-day sneak preview, simply sign up with your email below.

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This will give you access to the 22 presentations listed below. (Please note that the lineup is subject to change without notice). You will have 24 hours to listen to each presentation for FREE. No catch. No gimmicks. Listen, learn, become inspired, and become empowered. Then come back in February and take your family’s natural health and wellness to a whole new level!

 Monday, November 18th
Infertility and Preconception Health

Donielle Baker
Natural Fertility and Wellness

 

 Tuesday, November 19th
Natural Family Planning and Ecological Breastfeeding

John and Sheila Kippley
Natural Family Planning

 Wednesday, November 20th
Birth Choices

Nicole Deggins, CNM, MSN, MPH
Sista Midwife Productions

 Thursday, November 21st
Becoming Aware of Possible Toxins Around your Children; Choosing Safe Products for Your Children

Dawn Lorenz
Raising Natural Kids

 

 Friday, November 22nd
Baby Led Weaning and Starting Solids

Kate Tieje
Modern Alternative Mama

 
Monday, November 25th
Food Allergies

KerryAnn Foster
Intentionally Domestic

 Tuesday, November 26th
Skincare for Families

Jennifer Saleem
Hybrid Rasta Mama

 Monday, December 2nd
Gentle Sleep Solutions

Elizabeth Pantley
The No-Cry Solutions

 Tuesday, December 3rd
Cloth Diapering

Erin Odom
The Humbled Homemaker

 Wednesday, December 4th
The Vaccine Decision – What Parents Need To Know

Jessika Bailey
Natural Mother Magazine

 Thursday, December 5th
Extended Breastfeeding and Tandem Nursing

Lauren Wayne
Hobo Mama

 Friday, December 6th
Chiropractic for Children and In Pregnancy

Dr. Staci Borkhuis
CornerStone Chiropractic

 Monday, December 9th
Children’s Dental Health

Will and Susan Revak
OraWellness

 Tuesday, December 10th
Raising Your Children To Know Where Their Food Comes From

Abbie Walston
Farmer’s Daughter

 Wednesday, December 11th
Adrenal Health For Children

Michael Smith, N.D. BHSC
Planet Naturopath

 Thursday, December 12th
Real Food For Families

Kimi Harris
The Nourishing Gourmet

 Friday, December 13th
Common Childhood Illnesses

Dr. Mary Bove, ND
Brattleboro Naturopathic Clinic

 Monday, December 16th
Kombucha for Families

Hannah Crum
Kombucha Kamp

 Tuesday, December 17th
Preventing Postpartum Depression

Amanda Rose
Rebuild From Depression

 Wednesday, December 18th
Managing Anger and Overwhelm as a Parent

Dr. Laura Markham
Aha Parenting

 Thursday, December 19th
Back to Work Breastfeeding

Renee Beebe, M.Ed., IBCLC
The Second Nine Months

 

Friday, December 20th
Holistic Fathers – Engaging and Including Dad

Billy Bradley
Holistic Dad

read more "Healthy Child Summit - A FREE Online Conference for Parents"

Book Launch Celebration and Giveaway!

I'm so excited to announce the publication in print of my new book Gender Neutral Parenting: Raising kids with the freedom to be themselves

 

To celebrate I'm giving away 5 copies of the book in print signed by me! To enter use the widget below to enter - you can get up to 4 separate entries below! Open to US residents only.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

read more "Book Launch Celebration and Giveaway!"